Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. A man went to a hospital in the 21st century and ask for a new brain. The brain surgeon said that he could have a woman’s brain for $5,000 or a man’s brain for $25,000. The man asked, why are the women’s brains so cheap? The caretaker says, “its because the women’s brains have been used”.
2. A man bought a Mercedes and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive. To see what she could do he decided to open her up. As the needle went pass 90 mph he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Mercedes he rapidly speeded up to 100, then110 and finally to 120 with the flashing lights still behind him. Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over. Afer a minute or two a big grumpy state trooper came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration said “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.” The man said “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
3. A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
4. A man who had previously been a sailor was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or in the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve the problems, but half the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. Men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
5. Three men were out golfing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes on one condition to be named later" The man freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but the condition is that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!" The man said, "Oh, that would be okay", and for his first wish he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world. The frog warned him, "You do realize this wish will also make your wife ten times better looking and the most beautiful woman in the world, and that men will flock to her." The man replied, "That is okay, because I will be the most handsome man and she will only have eyes for me." So, poof - he's the most handsome man in the world! For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, "That will make your wife ten times richer, thus the richest person in the world." The man said, "That is okay, because what is mine is hers, and what is hers is mine." So, poof - he's the richest man in the world! The frog then inquired about his third wish and the man answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."
6. A man gets on an airplane and sits next to a beautiful women. He ask her where she is going. Her reply is that she is going to a nymphomaniac convention. He ask, “What do you learn at a convention like that?” She says, “I have learned about many myths. Like the myth that Frenchmen are the best lovers. Jewish men are the best lovers. Another myth that I’ve learned about is that African men have the largest sex organs. It’s not the African. It’s the American Indian. But I feel a little strange telling you all this when I don’t even know you. What is your name?” The man thought for a minute and said “Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.”
7. A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit 9 iron".The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears "Ribbir 9 iron". He looks at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a nine iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit lucky frog".The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks."Ribbit three wood."The guy takes out the three wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man shot the best game of his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to next?"The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas”. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,"OK frog, now what?"The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies,"Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies,"Ribbit kiss me". The guy figures why not. After all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
8. God said to Adam "I have some good news and some bad." Adam asked for the good news first. God answered "I'm giving you a brain and a penis." "What's the bad news?" asked Adam. God replied: "I'm only giving you enough blood to for one of them to work at a time!"
9. A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well," he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back." Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!"
10. Ten Things You'll never hear a man say. Here honey, you use the remote. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! While I'm up, can I get you anything? Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me? Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes? Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on. We never talk anymore.
11. Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say. What do you mean today's our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress. Hey, pull my finger!
12. A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
13. An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S.: Sure is hot down here.
14. Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his is side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I.......I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........ "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.....I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know..." Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
15. Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created: God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve... When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!
16. Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
17. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.
18. She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said "Where is he?" "Relax, he'll be late... he's playing poker with you."
19. A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".
20. A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?" "Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf".
21. A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...!"
22. Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!
23. "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
24. "You're in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were, sir?""Seventy-eight." "Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?""I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down." "I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?" "Well, the patient explained, "I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life."
25. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
26. A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven. Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who were bosses in their own homes, step to the right." The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right. Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side?" Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, "Because this is where my wife told me to stand.”
27. A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
28. THREE WISE WOMEN: You do know... what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
29. A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma. Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life!" She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"
30. A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asks gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."
31. A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned about the room being bugged. The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
32. Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
33. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife "Notice anything different, Bessie?' Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "notice anything different?" Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, " And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!" Bessie replies "Should'a bought a hat, Sam."
34. A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen.
35. "Jane, if I died, would you marry again?" "Yes." "And would you let him into my house?" "Sure." "Would he use my golf clubs?" "Nope." "Really? Why not?" "Because he's left-handed."
36. The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
37. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
38. A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed."Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
39. Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider." The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done." And he turns into a woman.
40. A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women. The genie then said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"
41. "What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."
42. John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks."Not really," says Mary."Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John."No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks."John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary."Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
43. A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. Her boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee. Who said you could come and go as you please around here?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
44. "William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" "That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?" "Who cares? Just get out."
45. Why can't a man be beautiful and intelligent at the same time? Because he would be a she.
46. A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
47. A 54 year old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening: “Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.” When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
48. Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't @&%x think so."
49. Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when one day at the neighborhood bar he confessed to a friend that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to do it with the pickle slicer. His friend suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came by the bar. His friend could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to do it to the pickle slicer?" "Oh, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
50. Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight? Wife: That’s a good idea. Why don’t you stand by the sink and do the dishes, and I’ll sit on the sofa and watch TV?
51. Relationship arithmetic: Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = affair. Dumb man + smart woman = marriage. Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
52. Shopping math: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
53. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who
can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget
his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
54. At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your Father a big hug."
55. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the downfall of every successful man is usually another woman.
56. A wife asked her car enthusiast husband what he wanted for Christmas. He replies “Something that goes from zero to 220 in three seconds.” On Christmas he unwrapped a bathroom scale.
57. A man was visiting a friend at his office and found him sitting at his desk looking depressed. He asked “What’s wrong with you?” “My wife just hired a new secretary for me.” The friend responded “Is she blond, or brunette?” Neither the depressed fellow replied. He’s bald.”
58. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
59. A woman of the night approached a man in a bar and said “I’m offering you tonight’s special. I’ll do anything you want for $30, but you have to say it in three words.” He took $30 from his wallet and said “Paint my house.”
60. “I think my wife is selling drugs,” a man told his friend. “Yesterday I was running late for work and the phone rang. I answered it, but before I could say anything, a guy said ‘Hey honey is that dope gone yet.’”
61. A wife told her husband, “Go out and get something that makes me look sexy.” He went out and came back drunk.
62. A man came home one day and was greeted by his wife dressed in sexy lingerie. She says, “Tie me up and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her to a chair and went to the ball game.
63. God promised man that good and obedient women would be found in every corner of the earth. Then he made it round.
64. Girls are like roads: The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
65. A man was walking down the beach and picked up a very old bottle. As he rubbed it to remove the sand a genie popped out and said, “You can have one wish.” The man thought for a minute and said, “Make it so all women will love me.” Poof, in an instant the man was changed into a bar of chocolate.
66. An unemployed man told his wife, “I just found a great job. It starts at 10 A.M. and finishes at 4 P.M. It requires no overtime, no work on week-ends, and it pays $3,000 a week in cash.” His wife said, “That’s unbelievable.” “I know” he said, “You start Monday.”
67. A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that.” He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
68. A man and a woman were parked on a back road several miles from town. After fooling around, the woman said, “I’m actually a hooker and what we just did will cost you $50. The man replied, Well I’m really a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $100.
69. Spouses: A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "how many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "when was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some can't remember. The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "i love you, sweetheart." The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 replies. 1. Who is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong? 4. What now? Did you crash the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6. What did you do now? 8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
70. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
71. Mike: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: 'Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
72. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
73. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?” “Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You'd never get it all in one.”
74. Why do women pay more attention to improving their appearance than to improving their intellect? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
75. A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?” His wife replied, “I would marry you no matter who left you a fortune.”
76. A man said to his wife, “If I die I know you’ll eventually remarry, so as soon as I’m gone I want you to sell all of my possessions.” She responded, “Now why would you want me to do that?” “Well”, he said, “I don’t want some other SOB using my stuff.” She replied, “What makes you think I would marry another SOB?”
77. Once a month, women go completely crazy for about 30 days.
78. A wife complained to her husband, “Out new neighbor said her husband makes love to her several times a week. Why can’t you do that?” He replied, “I haven’t even met her.”
79. A man asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Anything with diamonds.” So he got her a deck of cards.
80. A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, “ he explained. “Oh darling, I'm sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for? His wife responded, “Your horse phoned.”
81. What do you call female Viagra? Jewelry.
82. A man was waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his bed. He opened his eyes and said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. Later he woke up again and said, “You’re cute.” His wife responded, “What happened to beautiful?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”
83. A man was driving home when he saw a guy jogging in the nude. He leaned out the car window and asked the naked guy, “Why?” The man in the buff answered, “Because you came home early.”
84. Two men were chatting at a cocktail party. “Your wife looks electrifying,” one man says to the other. “She ought to,” the other man replied. “Everything she’s wearing is charged.”
85. The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about doing all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out the window, “Hey, what do you get for your yard work?” The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”
86. “What would you do if I won the lottery?” a woman said to her husband. “I’d take my half of the money and leave you,” he answered. “I won 12 bucks,” she replied. Here’s six - now pack up and get out.”
87. “My shrink said I should take an interest in my husband’s affairs,” a woman told her friend at work. “So you took up golf?” the friend asked her. “No,” the woman responded, “I hired a private detective.”
88. During a first date a man and a woman were telling each other about their pasts. The man said “A genie once gave me the option of becoming more attractive to women, or having an exceptional memory”. “Which one did you choose?” the woman asked. He replied, “I don’t remember.”
89. Honey, we should try switching positions tonight,” a man said to his wife. “Good idea,” she said. “You do the laundry while I sit on the couch and drink beer.”
90. Scientists recently reported on a research study indicating that beer contains traces of female hormones. To support their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed their behavior. At the end of the study 100 percent of them talked nonsense and couldn’t drive.
91. One morning a conservative business executive came to work wearing an earring in one ear. His coworkers were teasing him when one asked, “When did you start wearing an earring?” He replied, “Since my wife found this one in my car.”
92. An electrical fire caused a man’s barn to burn down one night. The next day the man’s wife called the insurance company to file a claim. The wife told the agent, “We had the barn insured for $50,000 and I want the money right away.” The agent replied, “Insurance doesn’t work that way. An independent adjuster will assess the value of the property insured, and then we will provide you with a new barn of similar worth.” After a pause the wife replied, “If that’s the way it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
93. Why did God create man before he created woman? Because he didn’t want any advice.
94. A woman was having dinner with her husband and said, “I had a physical today and the doctor told me I have the breasts of a 25-year old.” “Really” her husband replied. “What did he say about your enormous ass?” She responded, “Your name didn’t come up.”
95. A father offered some advice to his son just before he was to be married. “Son, on our wedding night I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and I told her to put them on.” She did and said, “These are too big for me.” “I said, Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and always will.” “We’ve never had any trouble since.” The son was impressed and decided to try the same approach. That night on the honeymoon he took off his pants and told his wife to put them on. She responded, “They are too big and won’t fit me.” “Exactly,” he replied. “I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Then his wife took off her panties, handed them to her husband and said, “Try them on.” “I can’t get into your panties,” he said somewhat flustered.” “Exactly,” his wife replied, “And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”
96. One night a man was sitting at the kitchen table staring at his marriage certificate. His wife walked in and said, “Why are you looking at that?” He replied, “I’m trying to find the expiration date.”
97. What do you call a man who has lost 95 percent of his brainpower? A widower.
98. A married couple were at a bar when the wife noticed that her husband kept looking at a woman sitting at the other end of the bar throwing down one shot after another. “Do you know that woman?” she asked. Her husband replied, “Yes, she’s an old girl friend. She started drinking when we broke up and I don’t think she’s been sober since.” “Wow!” exclaimed his wife. “Who’d have thought a woman could celebrate for that long.”
99. What do marriage and tattoos have in common?” Both seemed like a good idea at the time.
100. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.
101. A couple had been married for twenty years and ended up in divorce court. The judge asked the husband, “Is it true that you have not spoken to your wife in three years?” The husband replied, yes your honor, that is true.” The judge continued, “How do you explain your unusual behavior?” The husband replied, “Well judge, my mother taught me not to interrupt a woman when she is speaking.”
102. During the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. During the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens. And during the third year, the husband and wife both speak at the same time, and the neighbors listen.
103. What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control? Parents.
104. A man told a traffic cop, “I was speeding because I’m taking my wife to the hospital. She OD’ed on reducing pills.” The cop said, I don’t see any body else in the car with you.” The man responded, I know, now it’s too late.”
105. A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please shut up?” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? " Her reply, "Only when he's been drinking."
106. “Women have a big problem communicating with men because you ask us questions that we cannot answer. The number one question we cannot answer is, “Do you remember...? No! I don’t remember! I’m a man. I cannot remember. Look - we invented instant replay because we forgot something we just saw.” Alonzo Bodden.
107. A few months after his wedding, a husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. His wife asked, “Why don’t you wear your wedding band?” “It cuts off my circulation,” he replied. “Yes, she said, “it’s supposed to!”
108. A state trooper stopped a man for speeding. The officer asked the man, “Do you know why I stopped you?” The man responded, “Yes, I know I was speeding, but it’s a matter of life and death. There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.” “I don’t see how that’s a matter of life and death,” the officer said. “If I don’t get home before my wife does,” the man answered, “I’m a dead man.”
109. A national airline introduced a special rate for wives who accompany their husbands on business trips. To get some valuable testimonials, the airline’s publicity department sent letters to the wives of businessmen who used the special rate, asking how they enjoyed to trip. Responses poured in, mostly asking, “What trip?”
110. A man asked his friend why he didn’t deck the man he saw his wife with, knowing that she was fooling around with other men. The friend responded that he was waiting. “Waiting for what?” the man asked. “I’m waiting,” the friend answered, “to catch her with a smaller guy.”
111. A man was reading the newspaper one morning and said to his wife, “Here’s another case where a beautiful actress marries a baseball player who’s a total dope! I don’t understand how the biggest jerks get the hottest wives.” His wife replied, “Thank you.”
112. A recently married woman asked a marriage counselor if there was some way to keep her husband in line without sounding like a nag. The counselor replied, “Maybe that’s the problem. Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line.”
113. A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about the extravagant gift, is friend said, “I thought she wanted on of those high-end sports cars.” “She did,” he replied, “but where was I going to find a fake Porsche?”
114. A husband put his coat on and said to his wife, “I suggest you do the same.” Surprised, she asked, “You’re taking me out to dinner?” He replied, “Don’t be silly, I’m turning off the heat.”
115. A department store customer asked a female clerk for help. “I would like to buy a birthday gift for my brother. What would you suggest for a man who has everything?” The clerk responded, “My phone number?”
116. Marriage is a like a three-ring circus. There’s an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and then the suffering.
117. A little boy asked his father what the difference was between
confident and confidential. His father responded, “You are my son. I’m
confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, but that’s
118. A married man kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves home. A man kisses his house good-bye when his wife leaves him.
119. A girl told her boyfriend she wanted him to be more affectionate. He said “Okay.” So the next day he found two more girlfriends.
120. A woman said to her friend, “I have a big heart, this morning I gave a bum $100.” Her friend asked, “What did your husband say about that?” The woman replied, “Thank you.”
121. On their wedding night, a groom asked his new bride. “Honey, am I your first?” She replies, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
122. After repeatedly warding off her date’s advances during the evening, a pretty coed decided to put her foot down. “See here,” she shouted, “this is the last time I’m going to tell you no.” “Good,” her date said. “Now we can start having some fun.”
123. A woman was standing nude looking into the bedroom mirror and said to her husband, “I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.” He replied, “Your eyesight’s nearly perfect.”
124. “I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world,” a man told his wife. “Oh,” she replied, “I’ll miss you.”
125. A women answers to questions about men. What do you call a man with half a brain? “Gifted.” What does a man consider a seven-course meal? “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.” What did God say after creating man? “I can do better.”
126. A dying man said to his wife, “When I’m gone, I want you to marry our neighbor.” “Why,” she asked, “You’ve always hated our neighbor.” Her husband responded, “I still do.”
127. A Texas rancher and his portly and somewhat bitchy wife were seated in a Paris restaurant. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, “I’ll have a big juicy porterhouse steak.” “Oui, monsieur,” the waiter replied, “but what about ze mad cow?” “Hell,” said the rancher, “just bring her a salad.”
128. In simpler times people who committed adultery were stoned. Today,
it’s often the other way around.
129. What do a hurricane, a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Each one cost somebody a trailer.
130. Economists are baffled at how, despite the recession, a girl with the least principle manages to draw the most interest.
131. We know a man who was so generous with his girl friend that he finally had to marry her for his money.
132. Alimony is a deal that allows a woman to profit from her mistakes.
133. The cure for love at first sight is often to take a sober look.
134. For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.'” “Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
135. A man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About 2 hours.” The man left and did not return. Every week that followed, the man would stick his head into the shop and ask the same question, always getting a similar response from the barber. One day the barber ask a friend to follow the man to see where he went after leaving the barber shop. Later the friend reported, “Your house.”
136. Where must you go to find a man who is truly committed? A mental hospital.
137. A man called an old girlfriend and asked if she was free Saturday
night. She said, “No, but I would be reasonable.”
138. An old man went to a wizard and asked if he could remove a curse the man had been living with for 40 years. The wizard said, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man said without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
139. “I have to come clean,” a man said to his girlfriend. “While we have been dating, I’ve been secretly seeing a psychiatrist.” “No worries,” she responded. “I have been secretly seeing a lawyer, a car salesman and two airline pilots.”
140. When is a man considered mature? When dating a woman half his age is no longer illegal.
141. I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me,” a coed confessed to her friend. “That’s terrible,” the friend replied. “Which one?”
142. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
143. A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful daughters. The couple decided to try one more time to have a son that they had always wanted. After a few months the wife became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy 9 months later. When the joyful father saw his son in the nursery he was horrified. He said to his wife, “We have two beautiful daughters, there is no way this ugly boy could be my son. Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
144. Two men were talking when on said that his wife was driving him to drink. “You’re lucky,” the other man said. “My wife makes me walk.”
145. A woman went to a bank to apply for a loan. She told the banker, “I need the money to divorce my husband.” The banker said, “We don’t give loans for a divorce. We give people loans for things like automobiles, business startups, and home improvement.” “Well,” the woman said, “this is a home improvement.”
146. A man walked into a department store and said to the saleswoman, “I’d like to buy a pair of gloves for my wife, but I don’t know her size.” The saleswoman put her hand in his hand and said, “Will this help?” “Yes,” he said, “Her hands are a little smaller than yours.” Then she asked if there was anything else she could help him with. He responded, “Now that you mentioned it, she needs a brassiere.”
147. A naked woman who was standing in front of the mirror said to her husband, “I’m fat, wrinkled and ugly. It’s so depressing. Please say something to make me feel better.” He replied, “Your eyesight is perfect.”
148. A college freshman finally got the nerve to ask a beautiful senior coed for a dance at homecoming. She looked at him and said, “Sorry, but I can’t dance with a child.” The freshman responded, “Please forgive me, “I didn’t know you were pregnant.”
149. When a man came back from a long business trip he found that his son had a new mountain bike. The father asked his son how he got the bike. The son responded, “By hiking.” “Hiking?” the father asked. “Yeah,” the boy said. “Mom’s boss came over every night and gave me $20 to take a hike.”
150. Scientific research recently revealed evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
151. An old woman declined to serve on the jury because she did not believe in capital punishment. The public defender said, “But madam, this is not a murder trial. It’s a civil lawsuit between a wife and her husband. He gambled away the twenty thousand dollars he promised to spend on her birthday present.” The old woman replied, “Okay, I’ll serve. I could be wrong about capital punishment.”
152. A regular customer at a bar noticed a beautiful woman had been coming in alone every night. After a couple of weeks the man asked her to go home with him. She said, “I’m sorry, this may sound odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself chaste until I meet the man of my dreams.” The man responded, “That must be difficult.” “I don’t mind so much,” she replied, “but my husband is pretty upset.”
153. What are the four secrets to a happy marriage? 1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman who has a lot of money. 3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet.
154. A married couple was celebrating the wife’s birthday at an upscale restaurant. The husband asked, “What would you like for your birthday darling? A new Jaguar? A trip to Europe? Another diamond ring or bracelet” His wife answered, “I want a divorce.” “I’m sorry darling,” he replied, “I hadn’t planned on spending that much.”
155. A man and his wife were eating at a restaurant when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. “He’s been drinking since I left him seven years ago,” she said. “That’s silly dear,” he replied. “No one celebrates that long.”
156. How to please a woman: Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the football for her, buy her jewelry, and be interested in what she has to say. How to please a man: Show up naked and bring beer.
157. A new bride was talking to her mother about her husband. “Mom, he is very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for.” Her mother replied, “That just means you’re not asking for enough.”
158. A woman was reading an article titled, “Men’s secret fears about working wives.” She asked her husband, “What’s your biggest fear about my working?” He replied, “That you’ll quit.”
159. A woman’s comment to a friend about her marriage. “We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.”
160. A man asked his girlfriend, “Why won’t you marry me? Is there anyone else?” His girlfriend replied, “There must be!”
161. A friend asked a woman who had just received an engagement ring what the other women in her sorority thought about it. She replied, “They liked it, and five of them recognized it.”
162. A famous author was autographing copies of his latest book. One man brought a copy of the book as well as copies of his previous two books. “My wife really likes your books,” the man explained, “so I’ve decided to give her autographed copies for her birthday.” “So, it’s going to be a surprise?” the author guessed. “I’ll say,” the man responded. “She’s expecting a Cadillac.”
163. Two men were discussing their married life. One said, “In our marriage, we decided never to go to bed mad. We’ve now gone without sleep for four weeks.”
164. Two men were discussing their wives. One said, “I wouldn’t say that my wife was cold, but every time she opens her mouth a little light comes on.”
165. Two women were discussing their married life. One woman said, “My husband is a do-it-yourself man. When I ask him to do something, he says, ‘do it yourself.’”
166. Facts about marriage: Before marriage, he talks and she listens. During their honeymoon, she talks and he listens. Later, during their marriage, they both talk, and the neighbors listen.
167. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
168. Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
169. Two men were talking about their married life. One said, “Some mornings I wake up grouchy.” The other man replied, “Me too, and some mornings I just let her sleep.”
170. A group of woman were discussing men. One asked, “How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?” Another woman replied, “No one knows. It’s never happened.”
171. After the honeymoon, a new bride started complaining about the couple’s finances. “When we were dating,” she nagged, “you led me to believe that you were well off.” “Oh, I was,” her husband responded. “I was.”
172. A doctor concluded his thorough physical and asked the patient, “How old did you say you were? You are in incredibly good condition.” The man responded, “I’m seventy-eight.” The doctor was amazed and said, “You have the health of a sixty-year-old. What’s your secret? “Well Doc, it’s probably due to an agreement my wife and I made when we were married. She promised that when she was mad at me, she would stay in the kitchen till she cooled off. I agreed that when I got mad at her, I would go outside until I calmed down.” “I don’t understand,” the doctor said. “How could that help you stay so fit?” “Well the man explained, “I guess you could say I’ve lived an outdoor life.”
173. A married couple arrived home late after a party. While the wife prepared for bed the husband went into the kitchen and brought back a glass of water and two aspirin. When he handed the aspirin to his wife she said, “What’s this for? I don’t have a headache.” “Aha!” the husband laughed gleefully. Gotcha!”
174. A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, the love of a gorgeous woman. Then, poof, it was all gone.” “What happened?” his friend asked. The man replied, “My wife found out.”
175. Three men died and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during their marriage. St. Peter said he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven. Then St. Peter asked the second man the same question. The man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a mid-size car to drive. The third man was asked about his faithfulness and he told St. Peter he had always been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car. A few months later, the three men were driving around and all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and mid-size cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be wrong, he was driving a luxury car. “I just passed my wife,” he told them, “and she was on a skateboard.”
176. A woman who had just been admitted to heaven asked Saint Peter if her husband was there. She said, “His name is Frank Smith.” Saint Peter responded, “We have a lot of Frank Smiths. Can you tell me something more specific about him?” “Well, when he was dying, he told me that if I was ever unfaithful to him after his death, he would turn over in his grave.” “Oh,” replied Saint Peter, “You mean Pinwheel Frank!”
177. A woman wanted to surprise her husband with a new wig and outfit she had just purchased. She put on the wig and new outfit, fixed her makeup, and then strolled into his office unannounced. “Do you think you could find a place in your life for a girl like me,” she asked sexily.“Not a chance,” her husband replied, “You remind me too much of my wife.”
178. A friend asked a woman what she would do if she caught her husband having an affair with another woman. She said, “With Ralph, are you kidding? I would break her cane, shoo her seeing eye dog away, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”
179. Woman to the marriage counselor: “The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”
180. “The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where his wife is wrong.” Archie Bunker.
181. A wealthy old man looked around the table at his sons and daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. “Not a single grandchild,” he said. “I’ll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now let’s say Grace.” When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only one left at the table.
182. A billionaire was asked the secret of his financial success. He said, “I give all the credit to my wife.” “Oh really? How did she help?” the questioner continued. “Well,” the billionaire replied, “I wanted to see if there was any income level that she couldn’t live beyond.”
183. A young college student asked his date if she would yell for help if he tried to kiss her. She responded, “Only if you really need it.”
184. “Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click ‘I agree’.”
185. A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning he decided to call home to make amends. After many rings, his wife finally picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. His wife responded, “I was in bed.” The doctor asked, “Why were you in bed so late?” His wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”
186. A man and his wife were at a party. When a young woman walked in, the man said to his wife, “Look, that’s our neighbor’s mistress.” His wife was rather shocked, but said nothing. Then when a few minutes later another young woman walked in, he jokingly added, “And that’s mine.” His wife was silent for a few moments. Then she said, “Ours is prettier.”
187. At a cocktail party, one woman said to her friend, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Her friend responded, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
188. A man told his friend, “Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.” His friend responded, “Yes, and after marriage, the Y becomes silent.”
189. Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the mail man wants to buy Mom.”
190. A woman was asked why she married four times, first to a millionaire, next to an actor, then to a minister, and finally to an undertaker. She replied, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
191. Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey Vern! How ya doing?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to the club before. “Oh no,” says Vern. “He’s in my bowling league.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “Oh,” says Vern, “She’s also a waitress at the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine.” Then a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern and says, “Hi Vern, want your usual table dance, big boy?” Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Vern desperately tries to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else. But his wife is having none of it and is screaming at him, calling him every 4-letter word in the book. Then the cabby turns around and says, “Geeze Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.”
192. A man asked a friend if he knew what people did for entertainment before television, smart phones, and internet. His friend said, “One time I asked my 18 brothers and sisters that same question, but they didn’t know either.”
193. A man was walking in the park with his six year old son when the boy asked, “Dad, did you know that in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?” His father replied, “It’s like that everywhere son.”
194. Two old friends were sitting on a park bench when one said, “I’ve changed my will to instruct that I have a burial at sea.” His friend responded, “I thought you wanted to be buried in your family cemetery.” “I did until my former wives told me they were going to dance on my grave.”
195. In a recent linguistic competition held in London a Guyanese man was the clear winner. The final question was: “How do you explain the difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished’ in a way that is easy to understand?” His response, “When you marry the right woman, you are complete. When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished, and when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished!”
196. The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a super milk cow from a Dairy in Baldwin, Michigan for $2,000. They bought the cow and it was wonderful. It produced a lot of milk all the time and the people were pleased. So they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow to produce more super milk cows. Unfortunately, the cow would have nothing to do with the bull. So the people were upset and asked the Vet what to do. After listening to the problem, the Vet thought about it for a few minutes and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Michigan?” The people were surprised and thought the Vet must be very wise. They asked, “How did you know we got the cow from Michigan?” The Vet replied, “My wife is from Michigan.”
197. A woman was shopping for her daughter and asked the sales clerk for the price of a Barbie doll. “This Barbie is just $16.99,” the woman said. “If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get the Divorce Barbie for $169.99." “Why is the Divorce Barbie so much more expensive?” the woman asked. “Well,” the clerk replied, “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house and car.”
198. After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her. “Admit it Linda. The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars.” “Don’t be ridiculous!” she shot back. “I don’t care who gave it to you.”
199. A man phoned home from his office. “Honey,” he said, “something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s a opportunity of a lifetime. So would you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” A week later he returned. “Did you have a good trip, dear?” his wife asked. “It was great, fabulous!” he exclaimed. “But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” “No I didn’t,” she replied. “I put them in your tackle box.”
200. A group of young women and their boyfriends were questioned to determine how they defined a number of words. The women formed one group and the men formed a second group. The assignment was for each group to agree on a definition for each word using one or more examples. The first word was communication. The women agreed on “The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.” The men said, “Communication is like when you leave a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.” The second word was commitment. The women said, “Commitment is a desire to get married and raise a family.” The men agreed on, “Commitment is trying not to hit on other women while you’re out with one of your girlfriends.” The third word was entertainment. The women said, “Entertainment is a good movie, concert, play, or book.” The men agreed on, “Any sport that we can play or watch while drinking beer.” The final word was thingy. The women said, “A thingy is anything under the hood of car.” The men agreed on, “The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.”
201. A little girl closed her book and asked her mother, “Mommy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time...?” “No dear,” her mother answered, “when your father tells them, sometimes they start with ‘Sweetheart, I’ll be working a little late at the office tonight’...”
202. A disgruntled wife went to a lawyer and said she wanted to file for divorce on the grounds that her husband was careless about his appearance. The lawyer said that might not be enough to justify a divorce. The woman said, “Well, I think it is, I haven’t seen him in five years.”
203. “I’ve got an idea,” a wife said to her husband. “Let’s go out and have some fun.” “Suits me,” he responded. “If you get home first, leave the light on in the hallway.”
204. A man asked a friend who had just arrived at work why he looked so glum. The friend replied, “Well, it’s because my wife backed the car out of our garage this morning.” The man asked, “Well, why would that make you so upset?” “Because,” the friend responded, “she backed it in last night.”
205. A man who had spent a fruitless day fishing went by the fish market and picked out three large fish. “Before you wrap them,” he said to the clerk, “toss them to me one at a time. That way, I can tell my wife I caught them, without telling a lie.”
206. A woman was filling out her medical history form at a doctor’s office. Under past traumas, she wrote, “Married twice.”
207. A man was discussing a blind date with a friend. “She’s just like an appendix. You can take her out, but once is enough.”
208. A magazine article discussed the marriage of Senator Bob Dole and his wife Elisabeth, former President Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of Transportation. The article included a photo of the Senator helping his wife make their bed. One incensed male reader wrote to Bob complaining that he should never have allowed a photo to be published of a man doing such things around the house. Bob wrote back, “Buddy, you don’t know the half of it. The only reason she was helping me was that the photographer was there.”
209. At a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” Addressing the men he said, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, “Gold Medal-All Purpose, isn’t it?
210. A woman was chatting with a neighbor and said, “I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of generosity. I gave fifty dollars to a bum.” “That’s a lot of money to give away like that,” her neighbor responded. “What did your husband say about that?” “He thought it was a nice thing to do, and said Thanks!”
211. A man was explaining what a Breathalyzer was to a rather drunk friend. “I’d describe it as a bag that tells you when you’ve had too much to drink,” explained the man. “Well, what-da-ya know? said the friend. “I’ve been married to one of those things for years.”
212. A man applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed rather well bred for such a job. “Look, Mac,” said the foreman, “have you actually had experience picking lemons? “I certainly have,” replied the applicant. “I’ve been divorced four times.”
213. I always worry when you leave on a business trip,” sobbed the salesman’s lovely wife. “Don’t worry about me honey,” he answered soothingly. “I’ll be back before you know it.” “I know,” she said. “That’s what worries me.”
214. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it’s time to go back to their childhood men are already there.
215. A woman asked her friend why she broke up with her boyfriend. Her friend replied, “I knew it would never work out between us when he asked if I wanted to split dessert.”
216. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yes,” the wife replied, “In-laws.”
217. A husband reading an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. “30,000 to a man’s 15,000.” His wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything we sat to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
218. I think I’ve finally cured my husband of coming home in the wee hours of the morning,” the wife proudly announced to her doctor. “Last night, when I heard him fumbling around downstairs, I yelled “Is that you Harold?” “How has that cured him?” questioned the doctor. The woman replied, “His name is Charles.”
219. A man explaining his concept of women to a friend. “Women are like phones. They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you are disconnected.”
220. In preparing a will for a bachelor, an attorney asked his client why he bequeathed his fortune to the three women who had turned down his offer of marriage. He replied, “I owe them what peace and happiness I have enjoyed.”
221. A man asked his friend, “Was your wife mad at you when you got home so late last night?” “Yes,” he replied, “she was plumb historical.” “Don’t you mean hysterical?” the friend asked. “No, historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago.”
222. A wife told her husband, “I’m going shopping. I’ll be back in about two hundred dollars!”
223. A man persisted in calling his wife “Mother of six.” She didn’t like it. One night at a party he said, “Let’s go home, Mother of six.” She replied, “Okay, Father of four.”
224. Two married women were discussing life in the hearafter. “Does your husband believe in life after death?” one asked the other. “Heck no,” said the other woman. “He doesn’t even believe in life after supper.”
225. After an old guy got up and shaved one morning, he told his wife, “Boy, that makes me feel twenty years younger.” His wife said, “Did you ever think of shaving at night?”
226. A woman summoned to jury duty told the judge that she could not serve because she did not believe in capital punishment. The judge said, “This is not a capital case, it’s a civil case. This man allegedly stole $250,000 from his wife’s retirement fund, and ran off to spend it on another woman.” The woman replied, “I’ll serve your honor. I could be wrong about capital punishment.”
227. A woman who had fourteen children was asked what quality she most admired in a man. She said, “Moderation.”
228. If a man is walking alone in the forest and he is talking, but a woman is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
229. As a woman fumbled for her wallet at the check-out counter, the clerk asked, “I see you have your TV remote control in your purse. Do you always carry your TV remote?” The woman replied, “No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
230. A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. Realizing that he would need his wife to wake him up for a 5 AM business flight, and not wanting to break the silence, he wrote a note, “Please wake me at 5 AM!” The next morning he woke up at 9 AM and found a note from his wife, “It’s 5 AM. Wake up!”
231. Bumper sticker spotted in Los Angeles: Driver carriers no cash. He’s married.
232. A newly married husband was concerned about his tight financial situation. His wife frequently made long-distance calls to her mother, even though he explained his concern to her. One night he heard the familiar dialing. “Honey,” he asked uneasily, “who are you calling?” “Just checking the time,” she responded. Then, after a pause, he heard her say, “Hello Mother? What time is it?”
233. A husband and wife were driving back from a new-year’s-eve party and having a terrible argument. The wife got so upset she finally said, “Stop the car and let me out!” Her husband pulled over and she got out. After looking around, she got back in the car and said, “Take me to a better neighborhood.”
234. A friend asked a man, “How long have you been married?” “We’ve been happily married for eight years,” he replied. “Eight out of fifteen ain’t bad.”
235. A couple of old married men were discussing their married life. One fellow said, “My wife is not your usual cook. While most cooks will say come and get it. With my wife, it’s try and eat it.”
236. A friend approached the grieving widow at the funeral and said, “I’m sorry, my dear. Tell me, what were his last words?” “You don’t scare me with that shot-gun, Martha. You couldn’t hit the side of a barn.”
237. Two things cause unhappy marriages: men and women.
238. Definition of a blind date: “You expect to meet a vision, but it turns out to be a sight.”
239. Budget conscious husband to wife who just came home with many purchases, “With your expert help, we are now in the in the middle-income, upper-outgo class.”
240. Two old fellows on a park bench were discussing their wives. One noted, “My wife is never satisfied with her weight. She is always trying to either put on weight, take it off, or rearrange it.”
241. “Oh darling,” a wife said tearfully, “the woman next door has a hat exactly like my new one!” “And I suppose,” her husband responded, “that you want me to buy you another hat?” “Well, dear,” she pointed out, “it would be cheaper than moving.”
242. A man told a friend that his wife treated him like an idol. “How so,” asked the friend? The man replied, “At meal time she feeds me burnt offerings.”
243. Older married woman to young friend: “I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
244. “Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.”
245. A man asked a friend, “Who is the boss in your house?” His friend thought for a minute and said,”My wife assumes command of the children, the maid, the dog, and the cat. But I say pretty much what I please to the goldfish.”
246. A man returning home unusually late was tiptoeing into the bedroom when his wife woke up. “Is that you John?” she asked. “Well,” he answered, “it better be.”
247. Two men were discussing their family life. One fellow said, “My family consist of three members: nobody, everybody, and anybody who’s anybody.” The other fellow said, “What do you mean?” The first man replied, “It goes like this. When a difference of opinion arises, my teenage daughter invariably says, “Anybody who’s anybody knows that.” My wife says, “Everybody knows that.” And when I voice my opinion, they all say, “Nobody believes that.”
248. A woman who had been diagnosed with cancer told all her friends that she had AIDS. Her daughter, who knew the truth about her condition asked why she misrepresented her illness. She replied, “I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone!”