Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
Jokes Main Page
1. A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women. The genie then said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"
2. During a first date a man and a woman were telling each other about their pasts. The man said “A genie once gave me the option of becoming more attractive to women, or having an exceptional memory.” “Which one did you choose?” the woman asked. He replied, “I don’t remember.”
3. A man was walking down the beach and picked up a very old bottle. As he rubbed it to remove the sand a genie popped out and said, “You can have one wish.” The man thought for a minute and said, “Make it so all women will love me.” Poof, in an instant the man was changed into a bar of chocolate.
4. A member of congress was cleaning out an old file cabinet in his office when he came across a brass lamp. While dusting it off, a genie appeared and granted him two wishes. He thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was on an island surrounded by beautiful women.” Poof. He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. “This is the life,” the congressman sighed. “I wish I would never have to work again.” And poof, he was back in his government office.
5. A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
6. A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come in again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."