Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Three rednecks are celebrating in a bar. They order a round of drinks and toast “59 days” with a great deal of gusto. After they do this several times, the bartender ask why they are celebrating. One of the rednecks says “It only took the three of us 59 days to work this puzzle”. The bartender says “That doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment to me”. Then one redneck says, “The heck it isn’t. On the box it says 3 to 5 years”.
2. A man comes into a bar and orders 3 beers. He sits at a table and takes a drink from each bottle in turn until the beers are finished. He comes back for another round, but the bartender ask if it would not be better to order one beer at a time so that the beer would stay cold and would not go flat. The man says, “No my two brothers and I always drank together. So when they moved away we agreed that we each would continue to drink this way as if we were still together”. The man continued this routine for several months. But one day he only ordered two beers. The bartender says, “I hate to pry, but has something happened to one of your brothers?” The man says, “Oh no, everyone is alright. It’s just that I quit drinking.”
3. A man was sitting at a bar and heard someone say, that’s a nice tie you are wearing. He looked around and didn’t see anyone. A minute or so later he hear, that’s a very attractive suit you have own today. He looked around again, but no one was there. So he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender says, “Oh it just the peanuts, they’re complementary”.
4. A wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
5. A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana. “Gimme a beer!” he demands, banging his paw on the bar. The bartender doesn’t even look up. “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings” he says. The bear , miffed that the bartender hardly acknowledged him, again demands a beer, this time in a tone that is a little more threatening. The bartender looked the bear right in the eye. Raising his tone he said “ I said we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings!” The bear turned livid. “If you don’t serve me a beer, now!” he says, “I’m gonna eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!” “Tough”, says the bartender with a dismissive shrug, but we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings!” The bear went to end of the bar and, to everyone’s horror, gobbled up the woman. The bear went back to his stool, sat down, and said “So now you going to give me a beer?” “Look” says the bartender, “I already told you we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, and that goes double for bears that are on drugs!” “Drugs?” says the bear, “I’m not on drugs!” “You are now” replied the bartender, “That was a barbitchyouate”.
6. A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come in again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
7. Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
8. A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
9. A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
10. A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker. "Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks. "Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies. "Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
11. Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here." The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?" Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket. The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney. The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
12. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
13. The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
14. A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
15. Two entrepreneurs were discussing possible business plans. One said “I’m going to open a bar and grill in the middle of the Sahara Desert.” The second says “That’s a ridiculous idea. You’ll be lucky to get more than one customer a month.” The first entrepreneur says “Well you might be right, but think how thirsty he’ll be.”
16. A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said, “I’d like five beers please.”
17. Two friends were drinking in a bar when one said “I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in more that three months.” “You’d better think that over” his friend said. “Women like that are hard to find.”
18. A man has a few drinks at a bar each night. The bar tender noticed that the man looked in his shirt pocket after each drink and then either ordered another drink or got up and left the bar. After the bar tender observes this behavior for many nights he asked the man why he is always looking in his pocket. The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she looks good to me, then I go home.”
19. Three men were sitting in a bar talking about what it would be like to be really, really, famous. The first guy said, “Fame is being invited to the White House for a personal chat with the president.” The second fellow disagreed and said “Fame would be where you’re in there chatting when the hot line rings, and the president won’t take the call.” The third guy said they were both wrong. “Real Fame is where you’re in the Oval Office and the hot line rings, the president answers and says, ‘It’s for you.’”
20. A man was drinking in a British pub when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?” he asked. “It’s Wales you idiot,” one of them answered. “I’m sorry,” the man said. “Are you two whales from Ireland?”
21. A married couple were sitting in a bar sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, “I love you, I really love you.” Her husband asked, “Is that you talking, or the wine talking?” She responded, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
22. Two drunks were sitting at a bar when one pointed to two weathered men sitting across from them and said, “That’s us in 20 years.” The second drunk replied, “That’s a mirror, you idiot.”
23. Joe matched his friend drink for drink trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. After the sixth drink his friend blurted out, “Okay, it’s your wife.” Joe demanded, “My wife? What about my wife?” His friend replied, “I think she’s cheating on us.”
24. A drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A police car pulled up and the policeman said, “I’ve got to take you in pal. You’re obviously drunk.” “Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?” the man asked. “Yeah buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop. “Let’s go.” “Thank goodness,” the man said. “I thought I was crippled.”
25. As a man entered a bar to meet a friend he noticed two gorgeous girls looking at him. “Nine,” one whispered. Feeling pleased with himself, he reported to his friend that a girl had just rated him a nine out of 10. “I hate to ruin it for you buddy,” his friend said, “but when I walked in those girls were speaking German.”
26. Two drunk Irishmen were in a cemetery searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the drunks yelled out, “Here’s a fella who died when he was 145 years old!” “What was his name?” asked the other drunk. The first drunk responded, “Miles from Dublin.”
27. A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
28. A third-grade teacher asked one of her students to spell straight. The student did so correctly. Then the teacher asked, “What is the definition of the word?” The student replied, “Without ice.”
29. A old man wearing a stovepipe hat, fake beard and waistcoat walked into a bar. The bartender asked, “Are you going to a costume party?” The old fellow said, “Yes, I going dressed up as my love life.” The bartender said, “But you look like Abe Lincoln.” The old man replied, “That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
30. A man sitting at a bar asked the bartender, “What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?” The bartender replied, “About five drinks.”
31. A bear walked into a bar. The bartender asked, “What can I get for you?” The bear replied, “I’ll have a gin and ................. tonic.” The bartender said, “OK, but what’s with the pause?” The bear said,” I was born with them.”
32. An man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you have ever seen, will you give me drinks on the house?” The bartender says, “Okay, I don’t believe you can do it, but let me see what you’ve got.” The man pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of his briefcase. When the hamster begins to play New Orleans jazz, the bartender says, “Not bad, but it would be more impressive if the hamster were accompanied by a vocalist.” The man pulls a frog out of his briefcase and the frog starts singing along with the music. A drunk at the other end of the bar says, “Wow, I’ll give you $100 for that frog.” After the old man exchanges the frog for the cash, the bartender says, “Okay, I’ll give you free drinks, but you just gave away a fortune.” The old man replied, “Not really, the hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
33. While a man was waiting for a table at the bar in a Chinese restaurant, the bartender asked, “What would you like?” The man said, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.” The bartender said, “Okay, once upon a time, there were three little pigs...”
34. A gorilla walked into a bar, ordered a $7.00 shot of bourbon and put a twenty dollar bill on the counter. The bartender thinking that a gorilla couldn’t know much about money gave him a dollar in change. As he did, the bartender said, “We don’t get many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replied, “No wonder at nineteen dollars for a shot of bourbon.”
35. A patron in a bar and grill complained to the waiter, “This food is awful. I can’t eat it. You’d better get the manager.” The waiter responded, “It won’t do any good. He wouldn’t eat it either.”
36. Two women were sitting in a bar talking about their pets. One said that she had a dog that could do any number of tricks, like roll over, and catch frisbees on the fly. The other, somewhat inebriated woman replied, “That’s nothing, I had a goldfish once that could break dance on the carpet. But only for like 20 seconds, and only once.”
37. Sign posted at a neighborhood bar: “We do not Serve Women. You must bring your own!”
38. A man told a bartender that he had a problem and didn’t know what to do. The bartender said, “Tell me about your problem? Maybe I can help.” The man said, “Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear that someone was under my bed at night. I went to a psychiatrist who said he could help, but he charges $150 per hour and I don’t have the money to pay for that.” The bartender said, “I can fix your problem for a lot less. It’s simple, buy a saw and cut the legs off your bed.”
39. Two men were sitting in a bar staring into their drinks when one said, “Have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?” The other man responded, “Yeah, all the time. Hers and mine.”
40. What did the skeleton say when he walked into a bar? Give me a beer and a mop.” Alexa.
41. Two men were sitting in a bar when one reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano, a mouse and a butterfly. The mouse began to play the piano, and the butterfly began singing Gershwin’s ‘Summertime’ in a deep voice. The second fellow said in amazement, “Wow, that’s a great act you’ve got there! “Why don’t you book it on one of the late night shows?” “I might try, but I don’t think they would touch it,” complained the owner sadly. You see, the butterfly isn’t really singing. The mouse is a ventriloquist.”
42. A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat down on a stool and ordered a martini. “Hey,” the astounded bartender said, “do you know we have a drink named after you?” “No kidding,” the grasshopper said, “You have a drink called an Irving?”