Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Twin seven year old boys were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew if any mischief was reported in town, the twins were probably involved. Their mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent one boy in the morning, with the other boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed, ran directly home and hid in his closet. When his twin brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" His brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
2. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T] When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
3. A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
4. After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best @%&x sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a @#&x good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so @%&x good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "No @#&x?"
5. A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
6. As a young man was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 25, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for him, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the new priest woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the priest headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then the priest hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
7. A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
8. A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
9. A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
10. It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there. He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute."Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."
11. After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
12. A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
13. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
14. It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass.
15. "One of the best sermons I ever heard was short and was delivered on New Year's Day:' Some of you raised it last night. Some of you look like it today. Some of you are going there if you don't watch out'." A quote from a column in today's Birmingham News.
16. Biblical lessons from kids: The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
17. A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young boy protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the bou, "he's under the load of hay."
18. A man went into a confessional booth and discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on tap and a stock of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest walked into the room the man said, “Father, forgive me, it has been a long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must say the confessional box is much more inviting than I remember.” The priest responded, “Get out, you’re on my side.”
19. A Sunday-school teacher was telling her class about the Bible. She told them about the kings of the Old Testament and the queens who vied for attention. Then she told them there was a higher power and asked them if anyone could tell her what it was. One student raised his hand and said, “Aces!”
20. How are Christmas and working for a Fortune 500 company similar? You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit takes all the credit.
21. The preacher’s sermon was on the Ten commandments. When he reached “Thou shalt not steal,” he noticed one of his parishioners, became very agitated. When the preacher reached “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” the man suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior. The man replied with an embarrassed smile, “When you talked about the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,” I suddenly discovered my umbrella was missing. But when you said “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left it.”
22. Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. When they got to the pearly gates they were told that before they could enter they needed to present something that embodied the spirit of Christmas. One man searched his pockets and found some mistletoe, so he was allowed in. A second man presented a cookie, so he was allowed in. The third man pulled out a pair of panties. Saint Peter asked, “How do these represent the spirit of Christmas?” The man responded, “They were Carol’s.”
23. An old priest overheard a new priest’s comments in the confessional
and called him in to talk about improvement. The old priest suggested saying
things like, “I see, go on, and I understand, and how did you feel about
that?” The old priest said, “Now don’t you think that’s better than slapping
your knee and saying “Wow, I can’t believe you did that, what happened
24. One day the devil challenged God to a baseball game. Smiling, God proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance. I’ve got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here.” “Yes,” laughed the devil, “but I have all the empires.”
25. A priest was performing last rites on a dying man. “Renounce the devil!” he said. “Let him know how little you think of him!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order, but still the man said nothing. “Why do you refuse to renounce the devil?” the priest asked. The man responded, “Until I know where I’m going, I don’t think I should aggravate anybody.”
26. A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon were bragging about the size of their families. “I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another,” said the Catholic. “One more and I’ll have a basketball team.” “That’s nothing, said the Baptist. “I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I’ll have a football team.” “I’ve got you both beat,” said the Mormon. “I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
27. One Sunday, a minister told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He promised that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. A spinster ran up to the altar, handed the minister a check for $50,000 and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.”
28. A Sunday school teacher asked a little boy, “Tommy, do you believe in the devil?” “No sir, the little boy responded, “He’s just like Santa Claus. I think it’s my daddy.”
29. A woman in a confessional said, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest took a look at her and said, “My dear, that isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.”
30. In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has rested.
31. After a Bible school teacher read the story of the prodigal son, she asked if anyone knew what it means to waste your substance on riotous living? One little boy spoke up and said, “It means to spend all your money on bubble gum.”
32. A four-year old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year old Protestant girl next to a pool in the back yard. They splashed each other, got wet and decided to take off their clothes. The little girl looked at the little boy and said, “I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”
33. A four-year-old boy was asked by his mother what he had learned in Bible school where the theme was Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth. He said, “It was all about Jesus and the 12 recycles.”
34. After listening to a rather long and tedious sermon, a five-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. His father said, “He’s very busy taking care of church business, visiting the sick and doing other similar work.” He also needs to rest up because giving a sermon isn’t easy.” The little boy responded, “Well, listening to a sermon isn’t easy either.”
35. A young Protestant couple decides they want to become Catholic. The priest asked, “How long have you been Protestant?” They respond, “All our lives.” The priest thinks about it and says, “We usually ask those who want to join our faith to perform some sort of penance to prove their sincerity.” “I’ll make your penance simple. You must not make love for thirty days.” Thirty-one days later the husband returns and the priest asked, “How did it go?” The young husband said, “Well, for the first 29 days we didn’t even look at each other, but on the 30th day I saw her standing over the freezer and I just couldn’t help myself.” The priest frowns and says, “I’m sorry son but this means we won’t be able to let you into the arms of the church.” “That’s okay,” the husband responds. “They won’t let me into the supermarket any more either.”
36. One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the barber has finished, the priest asked how much he owes. The barber says, “The haircut is free for a man of the cloth.” The priest thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a case of wine outside his shop. A few days later a Baptist minister comes in for a haircut and again the barber tells him the it is free. The minister thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a box of chocolates outside his shop. A few days later a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again the barber provides the haircut on the house. The rabbi thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a long line of rabbis outside his shop.
37. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?” A little girl raised her hand and said, “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?”
38. A little boy asked his dad, “Did you go to Sunday school every week when you were a kid?” His father replied, “I sure did son.” The little boy responded, “I’ll bet it won’t do me any good either.”
39. An old couple took their four-year-old grandson to church where the grandmother sang in the choir. She gave the boy a quarter to keep his grandfather awake during the sermon, but grandpa slept through most of the service. After church she asked the boy why he had not followed her instructions. He said, “Grandpa gave me 50 cents not to wake him up.”
40. A three year old was excited to see an altar boy lighting candles during the church service. In the middle of the silent prayer that followed, he stood up and sang, “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..”
41. A young boy asked his mother who made the moon. His mother said, “God made the moon.” “Then, who made the stars?” the boy continued. “His mother replied, “God made the stars.” “Okay,” he continued, “then who made the trees?” “His mother continued, “Of course God made the trees.” Well,” continued the boy, “what I want to know is, didn’t Jesus ever do anything?”
42. At one of Bob Hope’s Christmas shows he was asked about his schedule. He replied, “I do benefits for all religions - I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
43. “I’ll give you an idea how bad my cooking really is. Last Christmas the family chipped in and bought me an oven that flushes.” Phyllis Diller.
44. What makes a good Christmas sermon? George Burns said, “The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then have the two as close together as possible.”
45. How do we know that Santa Claus is a man? Because no woman would wear
the same outfit year after year.
46. Sign in a department store: “Make this a Christmas your spouse will never forget! Charge everything.”
47. Blooper in a church Christmas bulletin: “The choir will sing ‘I Heard the Bills on Christmas Day.’”
48. A seven year old boy’s letter to Santa. “Dear Santa: Last Christmas I asked you for a baby sister. This year I want you to take her back.” Tom.
49. A preacher called upon a horse thief who had been converted at a camp meeting to tell the congregation what the Lord had done for him. The reformed thief stood up and said, “It looks like the Lord done ruined me.”
50. A little boy asked his father, “What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and puts it on the pulpit when he starts his sermons?” His father replied, “Absolutely nothing son, absolutely nothing.”
51. A preacher and a golf pro played golf together, but neither one was aware of the status of the other player. The golf pro suggested that they play for $10 per hole. The preacher thought he could play fairly well so he agreed. The golf pro won every hole and the preacher was sorry he had agreed to the bet. After the match when the pro saw the preacher change into his clerical garb he said, “I’m sorry Reverend, I wouldn’t have taken your money if I had known you were a preacher.” “That’s quite alright,” the preacher responded. “To prove there are no hard feelings, you bring your parents around sometime and I’ll be glad to marry them.”
52. There was a rather ordinary traffic accident where one car had stopped for a red light and another car had bumped into to it from behind. The first car was being driven by a minister and the second by a priest. A policeman named O’Malley came to the scene of the accident to determine who was at fault. After recognizing the status of the two men involved he said, “How fast would you say he was going when he backed into you, Father?”
53. A member of a Baptist family died while the minister was out of town. The family asked a young local Methodist minister to conduct the funeral service. He told them he would have to check with the Bishop. He wired the Bishop: “Could I bury a Baptist?” The Bishop wired back: “Sure, bury all the Baptists you can!”
54. A man walked into a church on crutches, stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some on his legs and then tossed his crutches aside. An altar boy who witnessed the man’s actions ran to tell the priest what had happened. The priest said, “Son you have just witnessed a miracle. Where is this man now?” The altar boy replied, “Lying on the floor next to the holy water.”
55. Sign in front of a Catholic Church: Premarital workshop, July 18-19.
Grief Recovery, Starts July 21st.
56. Sign in front of a Baptist Church: “Jesus Saves.” Sign directly across the street at a grocery store. “We Save You More.”
57. A Sunday school teacher asked her class if they could think of ways in which people waste time. One little boy raised his hand and said, “How about taking a bath?”
58. Adam asked God, “Why did you make Eve so beautiful? God replied, “So you would love her.” “But why did you make her so dumb?” Adam asked. God answered, “So she would love you.”
59. Sign on a church bulletin board. “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
60. Why did God create man before woman? He didn’t want any advice.
61. After a church service, a preacher announced, “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
62. After a church service, a minister said to a woman, “I noticed that your husband walked out in the middle of the service. I hope I didn’t say anything that offended him.” “I don’t think so,” the wife replied. “He’s been walking in his sleep for years.”
63. In the beginning, Adam asked God for a mate. God said, “I can give you the perfect companion, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam replied, “That’s a bit much. What can I get for a rib?”
64. A Baptist minister who was not very popular with his congregation announced one Sunday, “The Lord Jesus has told me he has work for me elsewhere. I will be moving to another church.” The congregation rose spontaneously and sang, “What a friend we have in Jesus...”
65. A young minister, who was just out of the seminary, decided to take a job on the police force to gain some experience he thought would be useful in his later work. One of the questions on the oral exam was, “What would you do to disperse an agitated crowd?” His reply: “I’d take up a collection.”
66. “People are inconsistent. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.”
67. A minister caught two little boys playing hooky from Bible school. He asked them, “Don’t you want to go to heaven?” “Not me,” one boy said. The minister responded, “You don’t want to go to heaven when you die?” “Sure, when I die,” the boy responded. “I thought you were getting up a group to go now.”
68. A minister went to a blacksmith to buy a horse. The blacksmith said, “I have the perfect horse for a man of god. This horse was raised by a religious family. You can’t say ‘Giddyap’ to make him go. You’ve got to say “Praise the Lord.’ And when you want him to stop, you can’t say ‘Whoa’, you’ve got to say ‘Amen’.” The minister paid for the horse, mounted him and said, “Praise the Lord.” The horse started towards their destination as expected, but after a couple of miles the horse was spooked by a snake and took off at a gallop toward a cliff that bordered a river two-hundred feet below. In a panic, the minister yelled “Whoa!” forgetting the instructions given by the blacksmith. Finally at the last moment he remembered and shouted, “Amen!,” stopping the horse at the edge of the cliff. “Wow, that was close,” the grateful minister said, “Praise the Lord.”
69. A mother who was feeling poorly one Sunday decided not to go to church with her family. She asked her little girl to remember what the sermon was about so she could explain it to her mother. When the child came home she reported, “The preacher said, ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’” Of course the mother didn’t understand the child’s explanation, so she called the minister. He explained that the message was, “Fear not, thy comforter will come.”
70. Two men with the same name lived next door to each other in Alaska. One was a preacher and the other was a salesman. The preacher died at about the same time the salesman took a business trip to Florida. When the salesman arrived he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had arrived safely. By mistake, the message was delivered to the deceased minister’s house. It read: “Arrived safely. Heat here awful.”
71. A little girl was crying about the death of her kitten. Her mother, trying to comfort the child told her that God works in mysterious ways. “But mommy,” the little girl responded, “What in the world would God want with a dead cat?”
72. “A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.” H. L. Mencken.
73. A minister said that it doesn’t bother him when his members look at their watches during his sermons. It does bother him, however, when they hold it up to see if it‘s still running.
74. During a sermon, a preacher told his congregation that there were one hundred different sins. The next week he received dozens of request for copies of the list.
75. A minister in a Georgia farming community convened a prayer meeting to pray for rain during a serious drought. On that cloudless morning the church was full to overflowing when he came to the pulpit and posed the following question to his flock. “You all know why we’re here. What I want to know is, why didn’t any of you bring umbrellas?”
76. An army private was on guard duty at 4 A.M. Although he tried to stay awake, he was asleep when the officer of the guard came by to check the post. Sensing someone was there, the private kept his head down for a moment, then looked up and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”
77. Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
78. Forest Gump died and went to heaven. When he arrived Saint Peter said heaven had gotten crowded, so they were requiring a short three question test before allowing new entries. Forest was not happy, but said okay. Saint Peter’s first question was, “What two days of the week start with T?” Forest replied, “That’s easy, Today and Tomorrow.” Saint Peter said, “That’s not exactly what I meant Forest, but I’ll have to give you that one. Your next question is, How many seconds are in a year?” Forest thought for a minute and responded, “There must be twelve, Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd...” “Okay,” Saint Peter groaned, I’ll have to give you that one too. Your third question is, What is God’s first name?” Forest responds, “That’s an easy one, Andy.” Saint Peter said, “Andy, how did you come up with Andy?” “Forest replied, “We sing it in church all the time, Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.” With a sigh Saint Peter says, “Okay Forest, you can enter.”
79. One Sunday a preacher announced to his congregation that the church had a new public address system. He said the microphone and wiring were paid for using church funds, but the loudspeaker was donated by a member of the congregation in memory of his wife.
80. A Sunday school teacher asked a young boy if he thought Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark. The boy replied, “No, how could he with just two worms?”
81. A preacher’s 5 year old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting the sermon. When she asked him about it he said, “Well Honey, I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” His daughter responded, “Well, why doesn’t he help you?”
82. A six-year old boy told his Sunday school teacher that his mother says his prayers for him every night. The teacher responded, “That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed.”
83. At the end of her bedtime prayers a little girl would always include bless all girls. When her mother asked her why she always included all girls, she said, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘all men’.”
84. A little boy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. When he sat down at the table he started eating right away. His mother quickly asked him the wait until they said the prayer. The little boy replied, “We don’t need to pray at Grandma’s house. She knows how to cook.”
85. Religious truths: Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. And Baptist do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
86. An announcement in the bulletin of a church read, “The eight-graders will present Shakespear’s Hamlet in the church auditorium on Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.”
87. O’Gallagher had just entered the confessional when Father O’Hara said “Go home O’Gallagher, you’re drunk.” “Got to confess, Father,” he said stubbornly. “O’Gallagher, beat it. You’re drunk.” O’Gallagher again, “Got to confess.” So the priest asked, “Did you commit murder?” With that, O’Gallagher got up, left the confessional and headed out of the church. On the steps, he met a friend. “Did ya commit murder, O’Toole?” O’Toole answered, “Of course not.” “Well then,” responded O’Gallagher, “no sense going in there. Tonight he’s only hearing murder cases.”
88. A Sunday school teacher was attempting to teach the lesson of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” One thoughtful little girl said, “I think I would throw up.”
89. A priest is sent to Alaska. After a few years the bishop goes to visit him. “How are doing up here?” The bishop asks. “It’s really cold,” the priest replies, “If it weren’t for my Rosary and my two martinis every evening I wouldn’t make it. By the way, would you like a martini?” “Sure,” the bishop says. Then the priest says, “Rosary, bring the bishop a martini.”
90. A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent? To drum up business, he knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
91. Three country preachers were sitting around talking. The first one said, “You fellows ought to see the bats I’ve got flying around in the church attic. I’ve tried about everything, but nothing scares em off.” The second one said, “We’ve got hundreds of them critters living in our belfry. I’ve had the whole place fumigated, but I can’t get rid of them.” The third preacher said, “Shoot, I baptized every one of mine, made them members of the church, and I haven’t seen one since.”
92. Two Methodist were talking, and one asked the other, “How many Baptist does it take to change a light bulb? The other one said, “I don’t have on answer for that one.” The first Methodist said, “At least fifteen. One to change the bulb, and three committee members to approve the change and decide who brings the fried chicken.”
93. Two Baptist were talking, and one asked the other, “How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?” The other one said, “I know that one. None, Lutherans don’t like change.”
94. A country preacher died, and was waiting at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a fellow in blue jeans and a leather jacket with tattoos all over his arms. Saint Peter asked the fellow with the tattoos who he was. The fellow said, “I’m Tom Smith and I drove a taxicab in New York City.” Saint Peter looks at him and says, “Take this silk robe and gold staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven!” Then he says, “Next!” The preacher steps up and says, “I’m the Reverend Jimmy Lee, pastor of First Baptist Church for forty-two years. Saint Peter looks at him and says, “Take this flour-sack robe and hickory stick, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The preacher says, “Wait a minute! That taxicab driver got a silk robe and gold staff, and I get this?” Saint Peter replied, “When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”
95. Two old men were sitting on a park bench arguing about their devotion to their faith. The first one says, “I bet you five dollars you don’t know the Lord’s Prayer.” The other man says, “I do too. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep!” The first one says, “Dadgummit, here’s your five dollars!”
96. While lecturing a Sunday school class on the nature of sin and damnation, a rural minister asked one lad: “Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?” “Yes sir,” replied the boy. “Back of Fogarty’s barn.”
97. A shapely call girl attended a revival meeting and got caught up in the fervor of the environment. “Glory, hallelujah!” she cried, leaping to her feet. “Yesterday I was in the arms of Satan and today, I’m with Jesus!” Then, a voice from the back of the tent inquired, “What are you doing tomorrow?”
98. A preacher asked a Sunday school class the following question. “If all the good people in the world were green, and all the bad people were red, what color would you be?” Little Linda thought for a minute and said, “I think I’d be streaky!”
99. A church goer who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to church. Concerned about the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the preacher went to see him. Finding the old man in good health, he asked him, “Why, after all these years have you stopped coming to services?” The old man lowered his voice and said, “I’ll tell you reverend, when I got to be 95, I thought any day the Lord will be coming to get me. But he never came, so I figured he must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind him I’m still here.”
100. A tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila back from Mexico when a border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle. “Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary,” replied the tourist. The official opened the bottle, took a sip and exclaimed, “This is tequila!” “My goodness!” gasped the tourist, “Another miracle!”
101. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one boy from a large family answered, “Thou shalt not kill!”
102. When a little church stopped buying from the local stationer, he called the deacon to ask why. The deacon explained, “Remember those pens we ordered from you to promote our church services and Bible study program?” “Sure,” the stationer replied, “didn’t you get them?” “Yes, but you sent us pens from the country club that said, “Play Golf on Sunday.”
103. A group of Sunday School children were asked to name one of the ten commandments. One little boy offered, “Thou shalt not admit adultery!”
104. A priest and a TV evangelist were discussing the ways they allocated collection money. “We draw a circle on the floor,” the priest said, “throw all the money into the air and whatever lands in the circle, the Lord keeps.” “We also throw the money into the air,” the evangelist said. “Whatever the Lord catches, He keeps.”
105. When a man collapsed in the subway, an ambulance was summoned and rushed the man to the nearby Mercy Hospital. It was determined that he required coronary surgery, and he was immediately wheeled into the operating room. The procedure went well, and as the patient regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. “Mr Wilson, you’re going to be just fine,” the nun said, patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?” “No, I’m not, Sister,” the man said. “Can you pay cash?” continued the nun. “No, I’m afraid not.” the man answered. “Do you have relatives, that could lend you the money then,” the nun continued. “Well, my sister is in Chicago, but she’s a spinster nun,” the man responded. “Nuns are not spinsters Mr. Wilson,” the nun admonished. “They are married to God.” “Oh, okay” he said, “then bill my brother-in-law.”
106. A little boy running barefoot stubbed his toe, and shouted a string of curse words in response to the pain. The preacher was passing by and said, “Son your language sends cold chills up my back.” The little boy responded, “If you’d been here when grandpa hit his thumb with the hammer, you’d have froze to death.”
107. A Sunday School teacher was teaching the Golden Rule. She explained, “It means we are here to help others.” One little girl raised her hand and asked, “What are the others here for?”
108. Three nuns were traveling through the mountains and ran out of gas. They hiked to a country store and gas station they had passed a mile of so back down the road. The store didn’t have a gas can or any container for them to use, so they shopped through the store and found a chamber pot that seemed adequate. After buying the pot and filling it with gas they hiked back to their car. While the nuns were pouring the gas into the vehicle’s tank, a crusty old farmer was passing by, stopped and watched what the nuns were doing. After a few minutes he said, “I ain’t never been a believer, but if you nuns can get that to work, I’m willing to think on it some more.”
109. “We are all responsible for our sins,” said the preacher. “It’s no use trying to put the blame on someone else. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on!”
110. A parishioner asked his minister, “Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?” “Definitely not,” the minister answered. “Are you certain?” the parishioner continued. “Absolutely,” the minister replied. “In that case,” the man said, “I wonder if you’d mind returning the fifty dollars I gave your after my wedding last year?”
111. A respected church leader arrived in a large city to deliver a series of presentations. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. He wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his presentations the next day, so he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day concluded with this line: “The Reverend also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”
112. A minister’s prayer: “May the members of my congregation be as free with their money as they are with their advice, and may their minds be as open as their mouths.”
113. A clergyman struggled along with a small congregation in a poor neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply free hymn books, provided they could insert a bit of discreet advertising into the hymnals. The preacher was reluctant but finally agreed. When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly examined them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or inside the covers. The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the hymnals. All went well until the third song. The congregation lifted their voices in unison to the melodious notes of: “Hark the herald angels sing, Hanson’s pills are just the thing; Peace on earth and mercy mild, two for man and one for child.”
114. A woman commenting to her husband as they were leaving the church: “Bob, I noticed you put fifty dollars in the collection. What have you done?”
115. On a church bulletin board: “Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.”
116. Church sign: “This is a ch-ch. What is missing?”
117. A Nebraska church listed the sermon topic as “Gossip.” Immediately following was the hymn, “I love to Tell the Story.”
118. Three children were usually able to persuade their father to buy them ice cream right after church. One Sunday he protested, “Where does it say that you should always get something to eat and drink after church? One of his quick-thinking daughters replied, “In the Bible it says, ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness.’”
119. A Sunday school teacher asked her class to draw a picture of something about the baby Jesus. One little boy drew a picture of a jet airplane with four people inside. When asked who the people were, he said, “That’s Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus on the flight to Egypt.” “Okay,” she replied, “but who’s the fourth person?” “Oh,” he responded, “that’s Pontius the pilot.”
120. A minister was asked whether it bothered him when the members of the audience started looking at their watches. He replied, “No, not until they start shaking them.”
121. Fund-raising sign on the lawn of a church. “You can’t take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.”
122. After hearing his first confession, the young curate went to the older priest and asked, “Well Father, how did I do?” “My son,” said the priest, “you did very well. But I have one suggestion. When you hear the confessions of these pretty young women, it is not appropriate for you to comment Wow! Did you really do that?”
123. A five-year old boy was playing with the small daughter of new neighbors. They had been wading at the lake, and finally decided the only way to keep their clothes dry was to take them off. As they were going back into the water, the little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Gosh, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants!”
124. A Naval officer asked his small daughter what she had learned in Sunday school. “We studied about the ten commanders,” she reported. “We learned that they are always broke.”
125. Some children were overhead attempting to recite the Lord’s Prayer. One little boy said, “Harold be Thy name.” Another child said, “Give us this day our jelly bread.” And a New York child said, “Lead us not into Penn station.”
126. A little girl asked her mother, “Don’t you think it was nice of the shepherds to get all cleaned up before they went to see the baby Jesus?” Her mother responded, “What do you mean?” The child answered, “Well, you know that song, while shepherds washed their socks by night.”
127. A rabbi received the following thank-you letter from a bridegroom he’d married: “Dear Rabbi, I want to thank you for the beautiful way you brought my happiness to a conclusion.”
128. While the art class was setting up a Christmas scene on the school lawn, one little boy asked, “Where shall I put the three wise guys?”
129. A Sunday school class was instructed to draw a Nativity scene. A little boy’s drawing included the manger, Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but also included a rather portly fellow off to one side. When asked who it was, the child said, “That’s Round John Virgin.”
130. The children in a Sunday-school class were asked to write down their favorite Biblical truths. One youngster printed, “Do one to others as they do one to you.”
131. A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yes sir," said the youngster. "I heard my Dad tell my Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
132. A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church, many strip clubs around the world admiring many beautiful women." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
133. A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
134. A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their
religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the
class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of
David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name
is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up
front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this
is a casserole."
135. An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. No," she said. "Good," he answered.
136. One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you should go to church: (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
137. A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding!"
138. A minister who always read his sermons placed his text on the pulpit about half an hour before the service. One Sunday a young member of his congregation surreptitiously removed the last page of the manuscript. Preaching vigorously, the minister came to the words, “So Adam said to Eve...” Turning the page, he was horrified to discover the final page was missing. As he riffled through the other pages, he gained a little time by repeating, “So Adam said to Eve...” Then in a low voice, but one that the amplifying system carried to every part of the church, he added, “... there seems to be a leaf missing.”
139. A preacher at the offering: “And now, brethren, let us all give in accordance with what we reported on Form 1040.”
140. An old man named Jones was in his home when a flood came. He refused to evacuate, but climbed up on his roof when the water eventually reached his ankles. Soon a neighbor paddled by in a canoe and shouted, “Can I give you a ride to higher ground?” “No thanks,” answered Jones, “I have faith in the Lord. I know he will save me.” A bit later the water was up to his waist. A man in a rowboat pulled up and hollered, “Hey! Can I give you a lift out of the flood?” “No thanks,” Jones answered, “I have faith, the Lord will save me.” The water kept rising until a helicopter flew in and dropped a rope. “Grab on,” the pilot yelled. I’ll pull you up.” “No thanks,” responded Jones, “the Lord will save me.” Later Jones drowned and went to meet his maker. In heaven, he complained to the Lord, “Tell me Lord, I don’t understand it, why didn’t you save me?” The Lord replied. “I can’t understand it either. I sent two boats and a helicopter.”
141. One old preacher rode the circuit on his horse, preaching in churches around a wide area of Texas. His only support was voluntary contributions from the congregations where he preached. One night, after giving a sermon in a small town he passed his hat among the packed benches of the church. When the hat was returned to the preacher he gazed into the hat and saw that it was empty. At that he raised his hands to the heavens and said, “Brethren, let us thank the Lord that this hat got back safely out of this audience.”
142. As a minister took his seat on the airplane, he noticed a woman beside him had the Bible open and seemed to be reading it and praying fervently. As the plane taxied out to the runway, she appeared to become anxious. As the plane took off and gained altitude, she became more tense and grabbed the armrests tightly as sweat poured down her face. It was obvious that the higher the plane climbed, the more stressed she become. Finally, the preacher turned to comfort her, “There, now,” he soothed, “you need not be afraid. Remember what Jesus said, ‘I am with you always.’ ” “That’s not what he said,” the woman replied. “He said, ‘Low, I am with you always.’”
143. A new preacher came to deliver his first sermon in a prairie church, but no one showed up but one cowhand. The preacher asked the cowhand if he should proceed with the services. The cowhand replied, “If I came to feed my cows and only one showed up, I would feed her.” The preacher thanked him and gave the prepared hour-long sermon that stretched to an hour and a half. When he finished, he asked the cowhand if he liked the sermon. The cowhand replied, “I don’t know much about sermons, but if I came to feed my cows and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t give her the whole load.”
144. Four preachers from the same town were talking one evening over coffee. The subject was their failings, and each agreed that he had one. The first preacher said he had a little bit of a drinking problem. He liked to have a shot or two of whiskey now and then. The second clergyman said that gambling was his problem. He couldn’t resist betting on football games on occasion. The third minister said he didn’t have either of those problems, but he did cheat on his income taxes. The fourth preacher said he didn’t have a problem with drinking, gambling, or income tax fudging, but he did have one serious vice: “I just love to gossip, and right now I can hardly wait to leave.”