Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
2. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
3. A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
4. The businessman called his less than ambitious son into his office and announced he had decided to make him a full time partner in the company."Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?" he asked. "Well," the son answered, "I don't like working in the shipping department, and I don't like being in sales, and I'd rather not be in the bookkeeping department--" "Listen," the father said, "as a full partner, what would you like most?""Hmmm," the son pondered, "I guess, most of all, I'd like you to buy me out."
5. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he."
6. A priest was talking to a group of children in front of the congregation and asked them if they knew what the Resurrection was. One little boy said “I know if you have a resurrection that last more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
7. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
8. The teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one little boy's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. She asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, she said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius the pilot!"
9. How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way!
10. Daughter to Dad Texting Communication in Today’s Generation: Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly. Dads reply ....also by texting: My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. Dad.
11. How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side.
12. A little boy asked his father “How much does it cost to get married? His father replied “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
13. Christmas was rough when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents.
14. Did you hear that A & P and Stop-N-Shop have merged? The new store’s name is Stop-N -P.
15. A little boy asked his mother, “Mom where did I get my intelligence from?” His mother replied, “You must have gotten it from your father, because I still have mine.”
16. A little boy asked his mother why she rubbed cold cream on her face. His mother replied, “To make myself beautiful.” A few minutes later she began to remove the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked the boy. “Are you giving up?”
17. A boy had his heart set on becoming an actor and finally got a part in a school play. He ran home after school excited to tell his dad. “That’s great” his father replied. “Who do you play.” The boy said, “I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.” His father replied, “Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.”
18. One night a man was passing by his son’s university on his way home from a business trip. He stopped, knocked on the front door of what he thought was his son’s frat house and asked “Does Brian live here?” The kid who opened the door said, “Yes, just leave him on the porch as usual.”
19. After many years of wondering why he didn’t look like his sisters or brothers, a man asked his mother if he had been adopted. “Yes you were son.” replied his mother. But it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
20. A teenage boy asked his father, “Dad, did you follow your dreams in life?” “No son”, replied the father, “My dreams were shattered years ago.” “How many years ago”, asked the boy. His father replied, “How old are you?”
21. A wife complained to her husband that he just sat around on the weekends drinking beer and watching the horse races on TV, when he should be spending quality time with his daughter. So one Saturday he took the little girl out for some quality time. When they returned the child said, “Mommy, Daddy took me to the Zoo and we saw lots of animals.” Really”, her mother responded. “And Mommy”, continued the child, “One of them paid ten to one.”
22. A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, “I think there might be some merit to this article. It says that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son.” “Well thank goodness,”said his wife, “our William has nothing standing in his way.”
23. A father bought a lie-detecting robot that slaps you if you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night” he asked. “I was at the library.” the son replied. The robot slapped the son. “Okay I was at a friend’s house,” the son admitted. “Doing what? The father asked. “Watching a movie,” the son replied. “Toy Story.” The robot slapped the son. “Okay it was porn.” cried the son. “That’s disgusting.” the father yelled. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, “He certainly is your son.” The robot slapped the mother.
24. A little girl asked her mother, “Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?” Her mother shook her head firmly. “Pleeease” the little girl begged. “Daddy’s swimming out there.” Her mother replied, “I know darling, but he’s insured.”
25. A little girl asked her mother, “Where did you meet Daddy?” “At a picnic,” her mother answered. “Did I go there with you?” the little girl asked. “No sweetheart,” her mother replied, “but you were with me on the way back.”
26. A young man was being interviewed for a job on the police force. The interviewer asked, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” The young fellow replied, “I’d call for backup.”
27. A teenage boy asked Santa for a Hummer with lots of chrome. On Christmas day a girl with braces knocked on his door.
28. A sixth-grade teacher asked her class which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? A little girl stood up and said, “You shouldn’t be asking sixth grade students a questions like that. I’m going to tell my parents.” The teacher ignored her and asked the class again. “Which body part increases to 10 times it’s size when stimulated?” This time a little boy stood up and said, “It’s the pupil of the eye.” “Very good,” the teacher responded. Then she turned to the little girl and added. “As for you young lady, I have two things to say: One, you didn’t read your homework, and two, one day you’re going to be very disappointed.”
29. At Christmas break a freshman brought a semester’s worth of dirty laundry home to wash. After loading the washer he yelled to his mother, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirts?” He yelled back, “University of Virginia.”
30. A college fraternity was frequently visited by the campus police and told to keep down the noise at their beer parties. So one day the frat boys decided to get back at the police. They let three goats lose on the campus and painted numbers on them: 1, 2, and 4. The campus police are still searching for number 3.
31. A man was selling tickets at the movie theater when he got a phone call. A caller said, “How much is a ticket?” The man said, “Seven dollars.” The caller responded, “How much for children?” The man said, “The same price, seven dollars.” The caller then said, “The airlines charge half price for children.” The man said, “You come to the movie and put your kids on the plane.”
32. One Saturday a father stork was late for dinner. When he finally came home his wife asked, “Were you late because you were delivering extra babies today?” “No,” he replied. “I was just out scaring college kids.”
33. Lessons kids learn from their parents: My mother taught me Religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My father taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My father taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My father taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My father taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home." My father taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. My father taught me about Justice. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
34. Two women were discussing their sons who were in college. The first woman said, “My son is so brilliant, every time I get a letter from him I have to go the dictionary.” “You’re lucky, the other woman said, “Every time I get a letter from my son, I have to go to the bank.”
35. A friend questioning a twenty-five year old woman still living with her parents. “Has anyone ever asked you to get married?” The woman replied, “Sure, many times.” The friend responded, “Oh really, Who asked you?” The woman replied, “My mother and father.”
36. A young woman’s prayer: “Dear Lord, I’m not asking anything for myself. I just want you to send my parents a son-in-law.”
37. A police officer asked an eight year old boy to explain why he broke his neighbor’s window. The boy explained, “Well, you see sir, I was cleaning my slingshot, and it went off.”
38. A four year old boy had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. After trying to correct the problem in various ways with no success his mother came up with a new plan. She pointed out a very fat man and told her son that the man had a fat stomach because he sucked his thumb. The next day in the supermarket the boy spotted a very pregnant woman. He stared at her in amazement until the woman became annoyed and said, “Stop looking at me like that. You don’t even know me.” The little boy responded, “No, but I know what you’ve been doing.”
39. A mother saw her two-year old son swallow a nickel. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and sharply hit him on the back. The child coughed up two dimes. Beside herself, she called her husband, “Little Billy just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes. What should I do?” Her husband said, “Wow, keep feeding him nickels!”
40. A little boy came home from school and showed his report card to his parents. His father said, “Son you got all Fs. What’s the problem?” The boy responded, “Well, I think it could be either heredity or environment.”
41. An eight-year old camper sent a postcard home to his parents. “Dear folks, I knew something bad was going to happen. Well, last night it did.” Love Billy.
42. A third grade teacher was shocked to find a number of foul words scrawled on the blackboard when she walked into the classroom. After scolding the children for using such language, she said, “Now we are all going to close our eyes and count to fifty. While we are counting I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to come up an erase them.” When she reached fifty, she said, “All right everybody open their eyes.” All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words had been erased. Below them was the message, “The Phantom strikes again.”
43. A six-year old boy told his Sunday school teacher that his mother says his prayers for him every night. The teacher responded, “That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed.”
44. A preacher’s 5 year old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting the sermon. When she asked him about it he said, “Well Honey, I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” His daughter responded, “Well, why doesn’t he help you?”
45. At the end of her bedtime prayers a little girl would always include bless all girls. When her mother asked her why she always included all girls, she said, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘all men’.”
46. A little boy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. When he sat down at the table he started eating right away. His mother quickly asked him the wait until they said the prayer. The little boy replied, “We don’t need to pray at Grandma’s house. She knows how to cook.”
47. When a little boy got off the school bus his mother asked him what he had done in school that day. He said, “Our teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said fried chicken. Everybody but the teacher laughed. She said I wasn’t funny and sent me to the principal’s office. He laughed too, but told me not to do it again. When I got back to class she asked me what famous military person I admired the most. I said Colonel Sanders.”
48. A little boy kept asking his grandfather to make a sound like a frog, but the old man said he was busy and refused. When the child persisted an hour later, the grandfather finally snapped, “All right Billy, why all the fuss about me making a sound like a frog?” Billy replied, “Cause Grandma said when you croak, we’re all going to Hawaii.”
49. A Sunday school teacher was attempting to teach the lesson of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” One thoughtful little girl said, “I think I would throw up.”
50. A group of children were asked a number of questions about marriage:
“How do you decide who to marry? “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Alan, age 10. “Nobody really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.”Kristen, age 10. What is the right age to get married? “Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever then.” Camille, age 10. How can a stranger tell if two people are married? “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8. What do you think your mom and dad have in common? “Both don't want any more kids.” Lori, age 8. What do most people do on a date? “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8. “On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Mark, age 10. When is it okay to kiss someone? “When they're rich.” Pam, age 7. “The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7. “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8. Is it better to be single or married? “It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” Anita, age 9. How would the world be different if people didn’t get married? “There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?” Kelvin, age 8. How would you make a marriage work? “ Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.”Ricky, age 10.
51. A third grade teacher, trying to teach some elementary math in a creative way asked a little boy, “If you had 16 jelly beans and your friend asked you for eight, how many would you have?” The little fellow replied, “Sixteen.”
52. A six-year old daughter of an accountant was used to hearing about large sums of money mentioned at the dinner table. One evening she came running into the house and announced to her father that she had just sold the family dog for $10,000. Her father asked, “You sold the dog? Then, where’s the money?” “Oh Daddy, I didn’t get any money,” the little girl replied. “I traded him for two $5,000 cats!”
53. If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get? Mistle toe. Alexa.
54. How to communicate to a teenager. Make a noise like a smart phone message before you speak.
55. Why do bees hum? “Because they don’t know the lyrics.”
56. What is a fly without wings called? A walk.
57. A retired woman in her 70's became a substitute teacher to stay busy. One day she asked her fourth grade class to guess her favorite sport. Since her favorite sport was pickleball, the students weren’t having much luck. So she gave them a hint, “It starts with the letter P.” They guessed, pool, poler, ping-pong without success. Then one boy insisted he had the answer. “I know,” he said, “Pole dancing.”
58. A third grade teacher asked a little girl, “Name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.” She replied, “Me!”
59. A six-year-old school assignment was to draw a challenge she thought she could overcome. She drew herself teaching her mother how to use the TV remote.
60. A mother was driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy, how old are you?” the little girl asked. “Honey,” the mother replied, “You are not supposed to ask a lady her age. It’s not polite.” “Okay,” the little girl continued, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really!” the mother replied, “Those are personal questions and they are none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asked, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “That’s enough questions young lady. Honestly!” The exasperated mother walked away as the two little friends began to play. “My mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl said to her friend. “Well,” her friend responded, “All you have to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl said to her mother, “I know how old you are. You’re 34.” The mother was surprised and asked, “How did you find out?” “I know that you weight 140 pounds.” The mother was shocked. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl said triumphantly, “I also know why you and daddy got a divorce!” “Really?” the mother asked, “Why.” “Because,” the little girl replied,”you got an F in sex.”
61. A woman and her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast food restaurant when a man walked in covered in tattoos. The boy turned to him and said, “Looks like somebody got into the markers.”
62. A mother of three unruly children was asked whether she’d have children if she had to do it over again. “Yes,” she said, “but not the same ones.”
63. A teacher asked her class, “What is the definition of adolescence?” One student volunteered the following answer: “Adolescence is the period between childhood and adultery.”
64. A teacher was discussing earthquakes and asked her class the following question: “California has the San Andreas Fault, but there’s also a fault line that runs through our own state, Arkansas. What is it’s name?” One little boy responded, “Asphalt.”
65. A class was learning about Roman numerals. The teacher asked the students, “If X is 10 and L is 50, what is XL?” One student responded, “I’m not sure, but I have seen those numbers on my mom’s clothes.”
66. A woman asked her four-year-old son what he wanted for breakfast. He said, “Soup.” She said, “We eat soup for lunch, not breakfast. So what do you want?” He replied, “Lunch.”
67. Letter from a nine-year-old camper: “Dear Mom and Pop: Camp is O.K. The food is good and they don’t make you eat it. Love Allen.”
68. A father received a post card from his son at camp. “We’ve been taking some pretty long hikes. Please send my other sneaker. Tom.”
69. Another camper sent this note home to his parents. “Mom and Dad. Don’t worry. They say the flood probably won’t reach our tent. Love Joey.”
70. During a first-aid course for Girl Scouts, the question was asked, “What would you do if a child swallowed a house key?” One girl’s reply: “I’d climb in through the window.”
71. A six-year old wrote to a radio station in Minneapolis about a mystery gift she could receive. She painstakingly addressed the envelope to the program at “Many Apples, Many Soda.”
72. Teenager coming home from a dance to mother: “Roger was the life of the party. That gives you an idea of how dull it was.”
73. An attractive young teacher announced her engagement. Fellow teachers and pupils naturally heaped good wishes upon her but she was not prepared for a note from one eight-year old: “Dear Miss Smith, I hope you have a happy and sexfull married life. Your friend, Mary.”
74. A mother was worried because she had not heard from her son who was in boarding school for several weeks. Eventually she received the following letter: “Dear Mother: They are making us write to our parents. Love Jack.”
75. A boy explaining his poor report card to his father. “Remember, Dad, I’m just an ordinary son of ordinary parents, and this is an ordinary report card.”
76. As part of a test in a ninth-grade English class, the students were instructed to write a letter that some well-known person might have written during his life. One student wrote the following: “Dear Josephine, I am sorry to inform you that I did not make out so well at Waterloo. Yours truly, Napoleon.”
77. A young toddler who had received an Easter basket was saying grace before dinner. “Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bunny.”
78. A very polite little girl was saying her prayers but interrupted them to say, “Pardon me, God, while I kick my ornery little brother.”
79. A Sunday-school teacher was describing the story of Lot’s wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Billy interrupted. “My mother looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
80. A rather awkward looking teenager knocked on the door to pick up his date for the prom. When the girl’s father answered the door, he turned and called to his daughter, “Dreamboat! Your barnacle is here!”
81. A father of many children became exasperated while trying to mediate the usual family hassle around the dinner table. “Everybody wants their own way around here!” he hollered. “I’m just the poor schnook of a father. When do I get my way for a change?” Concerned, his four-year old son tugged his sleeve and suggested, “Maybe you should cry a little.”
82. A college student who found that he had left his dungarees at home wrote, “Dear Mother, Please send me my genes.” She replied, “Dear Son, If you don’t have them by now, there is nothing I can do about it.”
83. Father to son’s mother after reviewing the boys report card. “At least this proves that he isn’t taking any mind-expanding drugs.”
84. A little boy to friend on school bus: “I woke up this morning with chills, a fever, a headache, a sore throat, an earache, and an upset stomach, but it didn’t work.”
85. A small boy made the following suggestion to his father. “It would be more exciting if you’d let Mom drive.”
86. A twelve year old boy handed his rather unfavorable report card to his father with the following comment. “Here’s my report card and one of yours I found in the attic.”
87. Two young boys were walking home from Sunday school one day after being taught about the devil. One boy asked the other somewhat older boy, “What do you think about all this devil business?” The other youngster replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.”
88. Some student definitions on various exams: Acrimony is another name for marriage. Hamlet was a small pig. A teetotaler is a boy who carries gold clubs. Sinister means a woman who isn’t married. A conservative is a kind of greenhouse where you look at the moon. The remedy for fainting is simple: Rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand. There are four symptoms for a cold. Two I forget and the other two are too well known to mention. False doctrine means giving people the wrong medicine.
89. A sixth grade teacher asked her class the following question. “What are the harmful environmental effects of an oil spill on fish?” Little Bobby responded, “One day when my dad and I went fishing, he opened a can of sardines, and it was full of oil.” The teacher asked, “And what is your point Bobby?” Bobby replied, “They were all dead Mam.”