Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
Jokes Main Page
1. A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
2. Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy- Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy-Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy-Bob's house. "Hey, Billy-Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy"
3. We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
4. Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
5. A man calls a friend and says, "If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! This is a scam!" His friend replies, "I wish you had told me this yesterday!"
6. If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and two tellers?
7. A woman was in a grocery store looking at the frozen turkeys but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am,” he answered, “They’re all dead.”
8. “At one time the economy got so bad that when my secretary told me my broker was on the phone, I had to ask, Stock or pawn?”
9. A couple had a tomcat that went out every night to prowl around and chase after female cats. He would always return bloody and battered, ears torn and fur shredded. Finally, his owners took him to the vet and had him neutered. The cat lay low for a few weeks before going out again one night. Later that night his owners were surprised when he came home without a scratch on him. When they asked him how he did it, the cat responded, “It was easy, now I’m a consultant.”
10. A cop pulled a man over who was driving with a car full of penguins. The cop told the man he that he would have to take the penguins to the zoo. The man agreed and the cop let him go. The next day the cop pulled the same man over with the same penguins in his car. The only difference was this time the penguins were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, “Sir I told you to take these penguins to the zoo.” The man said, “I did, today we’re going to the beach.”
11. What’s the difference between a recession and a depression? In a recession your neighbor is out of work. In a depression you are out of work.
12. Confidence: What you start off with before you completely understand the situation.
13. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
14. A man walked into a bookstore and asked the clerk, “Can you direct me to the self-help section?” “Sure,” she replied, “but wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”
15. A man at a play couldn’t hear the actors’ dialogue over the constant chatter of two women sitting in front of him. He tapped one on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I can’t hear very well.” “I should hope not” the woman replied, “This is a private conversation!”
16. The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
17. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
18. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
19. The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I
couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
20. A man in North
Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by,
and was so curious he went back and asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with
the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put
flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
neither."
21. A trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65 in Tennessee,
and he asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
22. In Texas the Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out
of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep,"
he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: Fine For Dumping
Garbage."
23. What happens when you play country music backwards?
Your dog comes back, you get your truck back, and your momma gets out of
jail.
24. An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "Lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?"
25. An American history teacher was lecturing on the Puritans and asked the class, “What sort of people were punished in the stocks?” A voice from the back of the room responded, “The small investor.”
26. A man went to the library and asked the librarian if she could help him find a book on suicide. The librarian replied, “Certainly not, you won’t bring it back.”
27. After purchasing a canvas signed “Picasso,” an art dealer traveled all the way to Cannes, where Picasso was working in his studio, to discover whether it was genuine. Picasso cast a single look at the canvas and announced, “It’s a fake.” A few months later the dealer bought another canvas signed “Picasso.” Again he traveled to Cannes and after a single glance Picasso grunted, “It’s a fake.” “But cher maitre,” expostulated the dealer, “it so happens that I saw you with my own eyes working on this very picture several years ago.” Picasso shrugged, “I often paint fakes.”
28. A gorgeous young woman asked the manager of a designer boutique, “May I try on that dress in the window?” “Go ahead,” the manager replied. “Maybe it will attract business.”
29. A man was in a supermarket when a sexy blonde waved at him and smiled. Unable to place her he said, “Sorry, do you know me?” She replied, “I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.” After thinking about it a minute he replied, “Are you that stripper from my bachelor party?” “No,” she replied, “I’m your son’s teacher.”
30. An anthropologist visited a Native American reservation to interview an old chief. “Chief Two Eagles,” the researcher said, “you have observed the white man for over 90 years. You’ve seen his progress and failures over these many years.” The chief nodded that it was so. The anthropologist continued, “Considering all of your observations, where do you think the white man went wrong?” The chief replied, “When we had the land, there were no taxes, no debts, and plenty of buffalo and beaver. Medicine was free, women did all the work, and men spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night making love to their wives.” The chief leaned back and said, “The white man went wrong when he thought he could improve on a system like that.”
31. Two teenagers were arrested for the possession of marijuana. At the police station they were told that they were entitled to one phone call. An hour later a man entered the station and asked for the teenagers by name. The sergeant said, “I suppose you are their lawyer.” “Nope,” the man replied. “I’m just here to deliver their pizza.”
32. A judge asked the jury if anyone needed to be dismissed from jury duty. One man stood up and said, “I’d like to be dismissed because my wife is about to conceive.” The judge responded, “I think you mean deliver, but either way I agree you should be there.”
33. A stockbroker died and went to heaven. Saint Peter said, “I will give you a choice of where you want to spend eternity - in heaven, or in hell. I offer you a chance to sample each place for a couple of days before you make your decision. The stockbroker spent the first few days in heaven where everything was peaceful and the people were friendly and polite. Next he went to hell where the devil answered the door and welcomed him in. He looked around and found he was in a continuous party with naked women, gambling, music and liquor. The next few days were the best he had ever experienced. He went back to heaven and told St. Peter that heaven was boring and he had decided to spend eternity in hell. St. Peter wished him luck and sent him back to hell where once again the devil answered the door. The stockbroker looked around, but this time there were no naked women, gambling, music or alcoholic beverages. Instead he saw fire and brimstone, torture and despair. So he asked the devil, “What’s going on, why did you lie to me? The devil responded, “You’re someone to talk. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you’re a client.”
34. A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Department of Labor got a tip that he was not paying legal wages to his employees. An agent went to the farm to interview the man and said,”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” The farmer said, “I have a ranch hand that I pay $600 a week plus room and board. I have a cook that I pay $400 a week and she gets room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week plus chewing tobacco.” The agent said, I need to talk to the half-wit.” The farmer replied, “You’re talking to him.”
35. A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count were in a Las Vegas casino arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, “Whether I get good cards, or bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. So why should I tip him?” The dealer said, “When you eat at a restaurant you tip the waiter, so you should tip me.” “Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for.. I’ll take an eight.”
36. A downtrodden old man walked into a restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When the waitress brought the order, he looked at her and said, “I’m old, tired and lonely. How about a kind word?” She leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the bacon.”
37. Two skeletons were talking in a anatomy professor’s closet. One said, “What are we doing just hanging around in this dusty closet?” The other one responded, “I don’t know. If we had any guts we would get out of here.”
38. Every time a man’s neighbor came to his house he asked to borrow something. So the man told his wife that he had figured out how to stop him. When the neighbor came over and said, “Are you going to be using your power saw today, the man answered, “I’m sorry, but I will be using the saw all day.” His neighbor replied, “In that case, would you mind if I borrowed your golf clubs.”
39. A man from New York was vacationing on the sunny Mediterranean island of Malta. Even for a New Yorker the traffic was chaotic so he asked his hotel concierge why it was so disorderly. The concierge replied, “Well in some countries they drive on the left side of the road. In others they drive on the right side of the road. Here we drive in the shade.”
40. A tenant complained to his landlord. “The people in the apartment upstairs are really annoying. Last night they stomped on the floor until midnight.” The landlord asked, “Did they wake you?” “No,” replied the tenant. “Fortunately I was up playing the tuba.”
41. A judge told a defendant his ruling was, “Twenty days or two hundred dollars.” The defendant responded, “I’ll take the money, your Honor.”
42. A group of people and a cute little dog were waiting on a street corner for the light to change. One man said to another, “Does your dog bite?” The other man said, “No.” So the first man reached down to pet the dog, and the cute little dog bite him. “Ouch!” the wounded man screamed. “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite.” The other man responded, “That’s not my dog.”
43. Several woman were talking about their eating habits. One said, “I’m a light eater.” Another woman said, “You must be kidding.” The first woman responded, “I’m not kidding, the minute it gets light, I start to eat.”
44. A beggar had a reputation for not being very smart. When someone offered him a choice between a dime and a nickel, he always took the nickle. One day a man told him that he should choose the dime because it was worth twice as much as the nickle. The beggar said, “I know, but if I chose the dime, people would stop making the offer.”
45. A man mailed his photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. A few weeks later he received a response, “We’re not that lonely.”
46. A man explaining a dream to a friend. “I dreamt that all I could eat were marshmallows. I became obsessed with marshmallows. I ate marshmallows until there were no more marshmallows on earth. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.”
47. A man drowning in the river next to a park screamed, “Help, I can’t swim! I can’t swim! An old man, sitting on a bench next to the river said, “Neither can I, but I’m not hollering about it.”
48. How do you know when its time to diet? “When you step on the scale and the message reads, One at a time please!”
49. How do you improve the taste of salt? “Sprinkle a little on your french fries.”
50. A woman explaining her mood swings to her snobbish neighbor said, “When I get down in the dumps, I buy myself some new clothes.” Her neighbor replied, “Oh, so that’s where you get them.”
51. A young married couple took their six-month old baby to the movies with them. When they entered the theater they were advised that they would be asked to leave if the baby cried, but their money would be refunded. An hour into the movie the wife asked her husband what he thought of the movie. He said, “It’s terrible. Worst movie I’ve ever seen!” She said, “I agree, pinch the baby.”
52. Exhausted by his life’s hectic pace, the swinger determined to take a leisurely drive across the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased him but by the time he got to Kansas, he was dying for some action. Pulling into the only gas station in a small town one Saturday evening, he asked the attendant, “Is there any night life in this town?” “Not any more,” the native replied. “She moved to Chicago.”
53. A sign on a Texas Savings and Loan branch office read, “Nine to five.” A customer called the office to ask why they were not adhering to the indicated hours on the sign. The clerk on the other end of the phone informed the caller that, “Nine to five refers to the odds that we will be open on any particular day.”
54. A woman ordered a fancy floral arrangement for the grand opening of her new business. Unfortunately, there was a mixup and she received an arrangement that read, “May you rest in peace.” Although the woman was furious, she calmed down when the florist reminded her that there was a funeral home with her arrangement bearing the words, “Good luck in your new location.”
55. A cowboy appeared before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked him, “Have you ever done anything of particular merit? “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked the biggest, ugliest, most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked over his bike and ripped out his nose ring. Then I told them all to back off or...! St. Peter was impressed and said, “When did this happen?” The cowboy responded, “A couple of minutes ago.”
56. A man saw an ad from a used-car dealer in the Sunday newspaper offering a car plus a blonde for only $950. He hurried down to the lot the next day and after confirming the details, bought the car. As he was ready to go, the manager whistled and a tall, gorgeous woman came out of the office and climbed into the car. The man drove off and parked the car a few blocks away. “How about a kiss?” he asked. “Sure, she replied, “that’s part of the deal.” He drove off again but stopped a few minutes later, smiled sheepishly and said, “How about a squeeze?” “Sure,” the blonde said amicably, “that’s part of the deal.” Feeling deliriously lucky, the man leaned over and whispered something in her ear. “Oh no,” she cried, “You got that when you bought the car.”
57. Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered to be important. To obtain information they sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs and bars. They were told to ‘go sip’ some Ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different time. “You go sip here, and you go sip there.” The two words ‘go sip’ were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion, and thus we have the term ‘gossip’.
58. In the old days a common entertainment included playing various card games. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but only applicable to the Ace of Spades. To avoid paying the tax, some people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet since most games require 52 cards, these people were not considered to be very bright. As the saying goes, “They weren’t playing with a full deck.”
59. At local taverns, pubs and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention to who was drinking from ‘pints’ and who was drinking from ‘quarts’. And that is the origin of the phrase, ‘mind your Ps and Qs’.
60. Many years ago people took baths much less frequently than we do today, perhaps only twice a year. Women kept their hair covered and men shaved their heads (to prevent head lice). Wealthy men wore wool wigs that were cleaned by baking them in the shell of a loaf of bread for 30 minutes. This would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term “big wig”. So today we often use the term “here comes a big wig” when someone wealthy and powerful is about to arrive.
61. Before cameras, if someone wanted an image of themselves it had to be sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back, while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by artists were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be included in the painting. Hence the expression, “It’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
62. A woman told her friend that she had been a member of a support group for procrastinators for about a year. Her friend asked, “What do you do at the meetings?” The woman responded, “I don’t know. We haven’t met yet.”
63. Some little known laws: A doctor’s written prescription is required to take a bath in Boston. Singing out of tune is against the law in North Carolina. Wearing suspenders is illegal in Nogales, Arizona. Anyone over the age of eighty-eight in Idaho Falls, Idaho, is not permitted to ride a motorcycle. It is illegal to set a trap for a mouse in California without a hunting license. It is unlawful to whistle on Sunday in Louisiana. In Connecticut, the law states that if you are a beaver, you have a legal right to build a dam. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church in Massachusetts. In Knoxville Tennessee, it is illegal to lasso a fish. Indiana has a law against taking a bath in the winter.
64. Some real estate terms explained: Unobstructed view - No trees. Handyman’s dream - Owner’s nightmare. Water property - Swamp. Land alone is worth the price - The house is worthless. The house alone is worth the price - Small lot next to tavern. Historic with charming porch - Don’t lean on the railing. Secluded home - No paved road in. Needs finishing touches - Needs roof. Rustic appeal - Outdoor plumbing.
65. As a passenger ship passed by a small island, a bearded man could be seen shouting and furiously waving his arms. “Who is that?” a passenger asked the captain. “I have no idea,” the captain replied. “But every year when we past by he goes crazy.”
66. The wife of a university theater director was asked by one of her clients what her plans were for an upcoming weekend. She said, “I think I’ll watch my husband’s play.” “Oh really,” the client said. “How many do you have?”
67. A juggler was in route to his next performance when he was stopped by a cop. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” the officer asked. “I juggle flaming torches.” the juggler replied. “Oh yeah?” the cop said. “Let me see.” The man stepped out of the car and began to juggle the blazing torches. A couple driving by slowed down to watch. “Wow,” the driver said to his wife. “I’m glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now.”
68. A skeptical man went to see a fortune teller. “Ah,” the old woman murmured as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three children.” “No,” the fortune teller replied, “that’s what you think.”
69. A man subscribed to an investment advisory service. He wrote to tell them that he had followed their advice to the letter and as a result had lost all his money. The letter continued, “You said to contact your office if problems arose and you would tell me how to act. Now I am broke. How should I act?” A short time later he got a letter from the service that read, “Act broke!”
70. A man who was trying to save some money put a picture of a piece of cheese into the mousetrap. The next morning, when he looked at the mousetrap, he found a picture of a mouse.
71. Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top and jumped into the air waving his little legs, then crashed heavily to the ground. The little turtle tried again while a couple of birds watched his sad efforts. Finally, one bird turned to the other, shook her head and said, “Dear, I think its time to tell him he’s adopted.”
72. An explorer was leading a group through the jungle when they heard the sound of drums. At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said before running off. The drum beating continued. The safari leader asked another native about it. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said. A few minutes later the drums did stop and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation. “Bad, real bad that drums stop,” he blurted. “Now chief’s wife sings.”
73. A loan company couldn’t get a fellow named Adams to pay off his car loan. So they sent him a letter, “Dear Mr. Adams: What would your neighbors think if we came and repossessed your car?” A week later the company received their letter back. Scrawled across the bottom was a note that read, “Dear Sirs: I checked with my neighbors and they think it would be a lousy trick. Sincerely, Henry Adams.”
74. An Indian asked a bank for a $1,000 loan. The banker asked, “What kind of security do you have?” The Indian replied, “Got 200 horses.” That seemed more than satisfactory, so the banker granted the loan. Two months later, the Indian returned to the bank, took out a roll of bills, counted out $1,000 plus interest, and turned to leave. The banker remarked, “Wait a minute. You’ve got quite a bit of cash there. Why don’t you let us take care of your money?” The Indian turned and said, “How many horses you got?”
75. A wealthy old woman lost her cat, so she placed an ad in the local newspaper offering a $5,000 reward. After a few days with no replies, she stopped by the newspaper office and asked for the advertising manager. “He’s not in.” the office boy replied. She asked, “What about the assistant manager?” The boy replied, “He’s out too.” “My goodness, is everyone out? she asked.” The boy looked at her and said, “Yes Maam! They’re all out looking for your cat!”
76. A woman spent two hours in the beauty parlor getting her hair permed, cut, and styled. Relieved when her beautician finished, she went to the receptionist to pay. The receptionist looked at her and said, “Good afternoon, and who’s your appointment with today?”
77. A man commented to a friend that he had obtained a new type of tranquilizer. “How so,” the friend responded. The man continued, “It doesn’t relax you, it just make you dig being tense.”
78. The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner threatened to burn down the entire shopping district. Just then, a truck filled with farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved back and the truck drove into the flames. The workers jumped out and beat the fire with their coats until miraculously it was under control. The city council members were so grateful for the men’s heroism that they gave each man a plaque and $2,500. After the ceremony, a newsman interviewed the driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. “The first thing I’m going to do is get the brakes fixed on my truck.”
79. A man went into a restaurant and said to the waitress, “I’d like the meatloaf and a few kind words.” The waitress returned and said, “Here’s your meatloaf.” The man asked, “What about the kind words?” She said, “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”
80. A collie was discussing her dating life with a friend. “I love the excitement and sense of danger in dating a German shepherd husky bad boy, but I hate that he keeps chewing up my shoes.”
81. The annual Big Animals versus Small Animals football game had turned into a rout. Just before half time, the score was Big Animals 105, Small Animals 0. The gorilla took a pass on his own 12-yard line and was tackled immediately and thrown for a loss by the centipede. “Wow,” yelled the mouse. “Where were you in the entire first half?” The centipede replied, “I was tying my shoes.” As the second half began, the kickoff sailed to the rhino who was smothered in his tracks by the centipede. The Small Animals were pleased, but the centipede disappeared into the crowd. On the last play of the game, the score was 227 to 0 when the giraffe took the snap, faded back and was sacked by the centipede. The mouse asked, “Where have you been the entire second half?” The centipede replied, “Doing high fives!”
82. When a snail filed an assault charge against two tortoises, a detective was sent to question the victim. “Please describe the incident,” the cop said. “I can’t,” the snail replied. “It all happened so fast.”
83. A man commenting to a friend, “I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.” His friend replied, “Why on earth do you need an elephant? “I don’t,” the man responded, “I just need the money.”
84. Two cavemen were huddled close to their fire. Outside it was raining and sleeting, thundering and lightning. One of the prehistoric fellows turned to the other and said, “You know, we never had this crazy weather before they started using bows and arrows.”
85. Two old friends were telling each other about the dreams they had the night before. One said he’d dreamed he was in Coney Island having a wonderful time on the roller coaster. “I can top that,” said the other fellow. I dreamed I was alone in a room with Sophia Loran, and Marilyn Monroe.” “Well, a fine friend you are, why didn’t you call me,” the first fellow inquired indignantly. “Oh, I did,” said the friend. “I telephoned you in my dream. But your wife said you were in Coney Island.”
86. Question: “How long is a minute?” Answer: “It depends on which side of the bathroom door you happen to be on.”
87. A parent was questioning the mess-hall master sergeant at Parris Island about the food her boy was eating. The sergeant said, “Lady, there’s nothing to worry about. Here we serve perfectly balanced meals.” “Oh,” the mother asked, “balanced between meat, vegetable and fruit?” “No,” responded the sergeant, “ everyone who eats here has a fifty-fifty chance of survival.
88. During Easter week, a woman proudly announced a personal victory at her Weight-Watchers meeting. She said, “This is the first year her kids realized that chocolate Easter bunnies came with ears.”
89. A woman dialed a number and a stranger on the other end said, “I believe you have dialed a wrong number.” The woman replied, “Are you sure?” The stranger replied, “Have I ever lied to you before?”
90. A woman inching through the traffic in downtown Atlanta one morning struck up a conversation with a fellow in the adjacent car. Noting that it was 9:30, she remarked , “Well, I’m glad I wasn’t in that 8:30 traffic.” “I hate to tell you this lady,” the man replied, “but his is the 8:30 traffic.”
91. A young woman who was about to take her driving test asked her mother for advice about parallel parking. Her mother replied, “There’s nothing to it. You back up until you run into the car behind, then go forward until you run into the car ahead.”
92. A woman went into a greeting card store and asked the clerk, “Do you have a get-well card that hints she’s not as sick as she thinks she is?”
93. A butcher who had been answering a customer’s questions about the origin of his beef for a rather long time finally said, “Anything else you’d like to know? Perhaps the name of the cow?”
94. What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? “A bug that says grace before it eats your house.”
95. Who goes to the city to get away from it all? Forest Rangers.
96. What do you call a lion trainer who puts his right arm down a lion’s throat? Lefty.
97. What is one nice thing about an egotists? They don’t talk about other people.
98. Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live.
99. What is the biblical typing system? Seek and you shall find.
100. What is an engagement? An urge on the verge or a merge.
101. What is an engagement ring? A tourniquet applied to the third finger of a woman’s hand to stop circulation.
102. When have you failed when you succeed? When you were trying to fail.
103. A man describing one of his unpopular neighbors said, “They are in the iron and steel business. She irons and he steals.”
104. The seven day diet: “Eat all you can today, and then don’t eat for
seven days.”
105. The orange diet: “Eat whatever you want as long as
it rhymes with orange.”
106. A summer is divided into three parts: anticipation, vacation, and recuperation.
107. A Social Security agent to applicant: “Feeling 65 isn’t enough. You must be 65.”
108. The ones who usually manage to get the most out of middle age are the grandchildren.
109. Just in from Health Watch: Those who wish to loose weight should stop using shampoo in the shower. It clearly states on the label that shampoo adds extra volume and body. Instead, use dawn dishwashing soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”
110. “Nudists tend to be people that no one wants to see naked.”
111. Sales girl to woman in fitting room: “On the other hand, Madame doesn’t do anything for the dress either.”
112. Two old neighbors were talking over their back fence. One fellow said, “Let’s make a deal. I’ll stop keeping up with you, if you’ll stop keeping up with me.”
113. Bumper sticker: “If you can read this, thank a teacher, and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.”
114. Light travels faster than sound. This explains why many people appear bright until you hear them speak.
115. A woman commenting to a friend after traveling to a resort promoted with the slogan “Experience old-world charm and atmosphere: “It simply means you have to look around for the bathroom!”
116. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when
a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit
you anyway."
117. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice
as big as it needs to be.
118. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper.
Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper
replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor
said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
they play at night?"
119. What is the difference between mechanical
engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons Civil
engineers build targets.
120. Three engineering students were
gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One
said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another
said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it
had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"
121. Normal people believe that if
it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
122. An engineer was crossing a
road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and
put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back
into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer
took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess
and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -- now that's cool."
123. Two
engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the
height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman
took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole
down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook,
took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and
walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that
does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers
have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the
United States Congress.
124. The emcee at a large dinner rose to begin the program. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “the job of a toastmaster is to be so terribly dull that the speakers that follow will appear brilliant by contrast.” The succeeding speakers, seated at the head table, chuckled in self-indulgence. “Well,” the toastmaster continued, “I’ve looked over the list of speakers, and I don’t think I can do it.”
125. An emcee introduced a speaker in the following way: “Rumor has it that tonight’s speaker made strait A’s through out his college career and that he is a stable genius. Rumor has it that he was captain of the football team, the basketball team, and the track team for three years in a row. Rumor also has it that he has a waiting list of women who have called asking to take him out. And now, I’d like you to meet the man who started all those rumors.”
126. A woman who was touring a small South American country was taken to a bullfight. The guide told her, this is our number one sport. What do you think?” The horrified woman responded, “Isn’t that revolting?” “No,” the guide replied, “that’s our number two sport.”
127. A man asked his friend who had many siblings, “What is the difference between kissing your sweetheart and kissing your sister?” His friend replied, “About 30 seconds!”
128. A teenage girl answered the phone: “Mary isn’t in right now. This is her 110 pound, five-foot-two, blue-eyed sister.”
129. A man who knew very little about art wanted to buy some paintings to appear worldly. He went to a gallery and spent a bewildered hour looking over abstract and cubist works. Finally, he was attracted to a painting consisting of a black dot on a field of white and framed in brass. “How much for this?” he asked. The art dealer replied, “That’s the light switch.”
130. At one art show the paintings were tagged by the artist with title and comments. Underneath one abstract the tag read: “ Sure you could do this, but would you?”
131. A little boy stopped in front of an abstract painting in an exhibition of local art. “What’s that?” he asked his mother. “It’s supposed to be a cowhand and his horse,” she explained. “Well,” asked the boy, “why ain’t it?”
132. Master of ceremonies at a banquet: “Let’s have a round of applause for the wonderful job the program committee did in not being able to obtain a speaker.”
133. A distinguished French speaker opened his presentation at an American Club in Paris with the following comment. “Gentlemen, I unfortunately have been asked to speak today in English. As a result, the language you will hear will be neither yours nor mine.”
134. Wife sitting by her husband’s hospital bed reading his mail: “This card says, ‘Get well quick.’ It’s from our health insurance plan.”
135. “Can you describe your assailant?” the officer asked as he helped the bruised man up from pavement. “That,” said the man, “is just what I was doing when he hit me.”
136. Ticket-writing motorcycle cop to sports-car driver: “Perhaps you weren’t doing a hundred. However, I’m going to reward you for trying.”
137. A man was attempting to cross the street when a car came around the corner headed straight for him. The man tried to hurry, but the car changed lanes and was still coming towards him. To avoid being hit he turned to go back to the sidewalk, but the car changes lanes again. Panicked, the man freezes in the middle of the street. As the car is about to hit him, it comes to a screeching halt. The driver’s window goes down and a squirrel pokes his head out and says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks!”
138. A young author about to give his first talk before a literary group went to a French wit and playwright for advice. He asked how he should wind up his lecture. The playwright said, “It’s very simple. You pick up your papers, bow to the audience, and then go off on tiptoe.” The young author asked, “Why on tiptoe?” “So,” the playwright replied, “you do not wake them up!”
139. A new butcher prided himself on remembering his customer’s names but for some reason could not remember one woman named Dressler. Since the customer was a large woman, she jokingly told him to remember the largest thing about her was her dress. He said he would try to use that association. The next time she came into the shop, he proudly greeted her with, “Good afternoon, Mrs Butler!”
140. Doug Jones lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed. He knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses" "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such a brilliant, hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." The wife replies, "He had a paper route."
141. Two men on death row were scheduled for back-to-back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last request. “Yes,” the first man said, “I’d like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one last time.” “And you?” the warden asked the other man. “Please,” the second man pleaded, “kill me first.”
142. A Marine sergeant watched one particularly inept recruit go nearly scoreless on the firing range. “Patterson,” he said, pulling the baby-faced recruit aside, “I’m gonna give you some advice?” The eager trainee responded, “Yes sir.” Then the sergeant said, “In combat, I recommend that you keep your bayonet sharp and ready.”
143. A couple of security brokers were out fishing when a sudden storm came up, crashed their boat against a reef and sank it. Doug was a good swimmer, so he hoisted the foundering Greg onto his back and began to head for shore. After half a mile, Doug was exhausted. “Do you think you could float alone for a little while? He gasped. “How,” Greg sputtered, “can you think of business at a time like this?”
144. A homeless man spotted an elegantly dressed, kind-looking woman walking toward him on the street. “Excuse me madam,” he said, “I haven’t eaten a thing in six days.” “My God,” she said as she swished through Bloomingdale’s front door. “I wish I had your willpower.”
145. Mr. Gold, bored while waiting for his train, noticed a scale with a sign proclaiming “Your weight and other information about you, 25 cents.” So he deposited a coin and a card appeared that read, “You weigh 165 pounds, your name is Gold, you are Jewish, and you are taking the midnight train to L.A. Gold was amazed. He stopped an Asian man and asked him to get on the scale. Gold dropped in a quarter and out popped a card that read, “You weigh 128 pounds, your name is Chang, you are Chinese, and you are taking the 11:30 train to Chicago.” Several passerby and quarters later, Gold decided to disguise himself to fool the machine. He took a cab into town and bought a wig, putty nose, fake mustache and weird clothes. When he returned to the train station, he inserted a quarter and grabbed the card which read, “You weigh 165 pounds, your name is Gold, you’re Jewish, and schmuck, you missed your train.”
146. A German shepherd went into a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof...woof,...woof...woof...woof...woof, woof, woof, woof.” The clerk examined the paper and said, “There are only nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would be silly.”
147. A young second lieutenant walked into the enlisted men’s game room, where two privates were shooting pool. He asked one if he had change for the drink machine. “Sure, pal,” the private replied, pulling a fistful of coins from his pocket. “You have a clear disregard for military protocol, Private,” the officer bellowed. “Now, let’s try that again. Salute and address me as Sir this time. “No sir,” the enlisted man said with a smart salute, “I don’t have any change, sir!”
148. A tourist was introduced to an Indian in Albuquerque that reputedly had perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, “What did you have for breakfast on October 4, 1982? The Indian answered, “Eggs.” The man scoffed, “Everyone has eggs for breakfast. He’s a fraud.” Eight years later the travelers’s train stopped again at Albuquerque, and he saw the same Indian lounging on the platform. The tourist went up to him and said. “How!” The Indian answered, “Scrambled.”
149. “Mr. Longhorn,” the banker said to the oilman, “we lent you millions of dollars to revive your oil wells, buy new drilling equipment, and drill new wells, and they were all dry. Then you took bankruptcy and left us holding all the debt.” Could have been worse,” the oil man replied. “Tell me, Mr. Longhorn, how could it have been any worse than that?” the banker asked. Mr. Longhorn replied, “It could have been my money.”
150. Julia got a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was naughty or rude. Julia tried very hard to change the bird’s manners. She would always say polite words, play soft music, anything she could think of to try to set a good example, but nothing worked. One day, Julia felt so desperate that she put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, and then suddenly everything was quiet. She was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out on to her arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.” Julia was amazed at the great change in the bird and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the turkey did?
151. While driving in the country, a man swerved to avoid striking a chicken that had suddenly darted onto the road. The bird not only avoided being struck but began to run ahead of the car, keeping in front even after the driver accelerated to 60 miles an hour. Fascinated, the man followed the chicken as it turned down a lane leading to a farm. It was then that he noticed that the chicken had three legs, in fact, the farmyard was full of three-legged chickens. As the driver stopped his car, the farmer approached him. “I was just admiring your chickens,” the man said. “I’ve never seen a three-legged variety before.” “Well, we developed this special hybrid so for every two chickens we raised, we would have an extra pair of legs to sell,” the farmer explained. “How do they taste?” the man asked. “Don’t rightly know,” the farmer said with a shrug. “Never been able to catch one.”
152. Did you know that on the Canary Islands there's not one canary. The same with the Virgin Islands.
153. When you're dead you don't know it; The pain is felt by others still living. The same thing happens when you're stupid.