Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
2. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that ... you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Two Norwegians go to Collect Unemployment. Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey vent to der Unemployment Office togedder. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter". The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as skilled. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation. When Ole found this out, he was yus furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "Vat skill ? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah,... Diesel Fitter".
11. A bank manager noticed that one of his new clerks was terrible at counting money and balancing his drawer. “Where did you get your financial education?” he asked. “Yale,” replied the clerk. “Wow, glad to have you aboard. What’s your name son.” The clerk replied, Yim Yohnson.”
12. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
13. A hamburger walked into a bar and ordered a cold beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger and said “I’m sorry sir I can’t sell you a beer.” The hamburger’s response was, “Why not, I’m 21?” The bartender replied, “Because we don’t serve food in here.”
14. A peephole was found drilled into the locker room at a women’s gym in Manhattan. Police are looking into to it.
15. A man walked into a dentist’s office and flopped down in the chair. “Doc,” he said, “I think I’m a moth.” “That is a problem,” said the dentist, “but why did you come into a dentist’s office?” “Well,” he replied, “the light was on.”
16. A wife said to her husband, “What’s your excuse for coming home this late?” Her husband responded, “I was golfing with friends.” “Until two in the morning?” she responded. “Yes,” he said. “We use night clubs.”
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
19. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
20. A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
21. A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two young women and offered them $200 to spend the night with him. One of the women stormed out in a rage, but the other women remained cool, calm and collected.
22. One of Santa’s elves tried to commit suicide? Apparently he had very low elf esteem.
23. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
24. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
25. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
26. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
27. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
28. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
29. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
30. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
31. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
32. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
33. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
34. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
36. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
38. A backward poet writes inverse.
39. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
40. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
41. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
42. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
43. A thief broke into the Louvre and stole several famous paintings but was caught when authorities found his van by the side of the road. “I don’t believe it,” the policeman said. “How could you plan such a bold robbery and then get caught so easily?” “Simple,” the robber answered. “I don’t have Monet for Dagas to make the Van Gogh.”
44. What do you call two Mexicans who are playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
45. Definition: Minimum - “A small English mother.”
46. Definition: Dunlop’s disease - “When your stomach done-laps over your belt.”
47. Definition: Jumping to a conclusion - “When your parachute doesn’t open.”
48. Observation: “Many men smoke, but Fu Man Chu.”
49. Love story: “Two red corpuscles fell in love, but it didn’t work out. They loved in vein.”
50. Why is a balding man’s hair like the ocean? “Because it looks like the tide has gone out.”
51. Two kings each had a castle on top of a mountain. Every day they assembled their knights and rode down into the valley to fight. Finally, one side had suffered so many casualties that they were down to six knights, a cook and a dog. That night the cook stepped forward and volunteered for the next day’s fight. He said, “I’ll saddle up the dog and ride him into battle.” The king looked at him and said,” I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”
52. A king, who lived in an all glass house had an unusual hobby. He spent a fortune collecting unique thrones from all around the world. Although his wife complained, he had thrones everywhere in the house. She was afraid the weight of the thrones would be too much for the house. Sure enough, one day as the king’s men were assembling a new throne in the attic, the house collapsed. The moral of the story: People who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
53. “It was hard getting over my hokey-pokey addiction, but I’ve turned myself around.” Alexa.
54. “What do you call a singing computer?” Adele.” Alexa.
55. “Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.” Alexa.
56. “What do you call a small fortune teller who’s hiding from the police? A small medium at large.” Alexa.
57. A doctor stopped by a bar every evening on his way home for a special frozen almond daiquiri. The drink was made with standard ingredients plus some crushed almonds. One night the bartender discovered that he was out of almonds, so he added crushed hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip and asked the bartender, “Is this an almond daiquiri?” “No,” the bartender said with a weak smile, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
58. A geneticist discovered a way to put the theory of human cloning into practice and decided to clone himself first. Everything went perfectly, except the clone became rude, vulgar and foulmouthed. When the scientist was unable to correct the problem, he threw the offensive clone out his laboratory window. The following day, the geneticist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
59. “I lost my mood ring today. So I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Alexa.
60. “Why was Sasquatch a good kicker? Because he had a big foot.” Alexa.
61. “Tip. If you are scared of elevators, take steps to avoid them.” Alexa.
62. Once upon a time, there was a famous king whose castle and vast lands were surrounded by an invading army. His last chance for survival was to get someone to cross the river and get help from his brother, a nearby king. However, each day as one of his men rode into the valley and tried to cross the river, a giant yellow hand came out of the sky and killed him. When most of his men had been killed and the king was about to give up, a pageboy stepped up and agreed to go for help. The king watched as the little page ran toward the river. The giant hand came out of the sky to grab the page, but the boy slipped through his fingers and got safely across the river. The moral of the story: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
63. “What was Betsy Ross’s favorite sport? Flag football.” Alexa.
64. "What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye? A winky, wonky, donkey.” Alexa.
65. “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.” Alexa.
66. “I put my grandma on speed dial. That’s what I call Instagram.” Alexa.
67. “What’s a teachers favorite state? Pencil-vania.” Alexa.
68. “What did the shy pebble wish? Just to be a little boulder.” Alexa.
69. “What does spring sound like? Bong!” Alexa.
70. “What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.” Alexa.
71. “You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.” Alexa.
72. “Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.” Alexa.
73. “You know what a Freudian slip is right? It’s when you say one thing and mean a mother.” Alexa.
74. “Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.”
75. Long, long ago an old Indian chief instructed Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in the tribe to go out and bring back buffalo skins. About a month later Geronimo came back with two hundred pelts, but Falling Rocks never returned. Even today, as you drive throughout the West, you still see signs that say, “Watch for Falling Rocks.”
76. What is the greatest invention in the world? “Venetian blinds. Without them, it would be curtains for all of us.”
77. “What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear.” “Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy.” “What happened when the strawberry crossed the road? It caused a traffic jam.” “Why can you always find a pirate at disco night? Because they love to shake their booty.” Alexa.
78. A man who lived in an apartment complex stuck his head out of a window to see if it was raining. As he did a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up in time to see a beautiful woman looking down. “Is this yours?” he asked. “Yes,” she said, “would you bring it up?” The man agreed. When he arrived, she thanked him profusely and offered him a drink. Shortly after that she asked him to stay for dinner. He readily accepted and they enjoyed a delicious meal. After dinner she said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to spend the night?” The man hesitated and asked, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?” “No,” she replied, “only with those who catch my eye.”
79. “What does a house wear? Address.” “What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.” Where do TV judges play basketball? The People’s Court!” Alexa.
80. A woman opened a Westinghouse refrigerator and there was a live rabbit seated on the top shelf. The surprised woman asked, “What in the world are you doing here?” The rabbit replied, “Well, this is a Westinghouse, and I’m just westing.”
81. The owner of a large company was walking through the home office when he encountered a new employee expertly counting a large amount of cash into individual pay envelopes. “Where did you receive your training in finance, young man?” the owner inquired. “Yale,” the employee answered. “Oh, very good! In fact, that’s excellent.” said the owner. “And what’s your name son?” The young man responded, “Yackson?”
82. A man was driving through the west late one night and found that he was near an Indian reservation. He was very tired, so he drove into the reservation and asked the chief if he could spend the night. The chief invited the man to stay in his special guest teepee. Before going to sleep, the man went to the bathhouse to brush his teeth, but the light switch did not work. Since he was an amateur electrician, the man got his tools and a flashlight and wired the bathhouse so the lights would work. The next morning, he and the chief thanked each other, and he drove away being the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
83. A man named Red Adair was in Las Vegas on vacation. Sitting at the bar one night, he was having a conversation with a fellow who had obviously had a few too many drinks. “Know who I saw yesterday? The drunk said. “Fig Newton.” “You mean Wayne Newton, don’t you?” Adair replied. “Oh yeah,” he said, adding enthusiastically, “last week I saw Benny Rodgers.” “You mean Kenny Rodgers,” Adair corrected him. “The best of all was when I saw Polly Darton.” “I think you mean Dolly Parton,” responded Adair. Nonplused, the drunk asked his companion who he was. When he was told “Red Adair,” the fellow perked up and said, “Oh yeah, I remember you. You’re the guy that danced with Ginger Rogers.”
84. A jump master had just finished a lecture to a group of paratroop recruits on how to pack a parachute. One recruit raised his hand and asked, “What happens if our shoot doesn’t open?” The jump master replied, “Son, that’s what we call jumping to a conclusion!”
85. Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. The bartender looked at him and said, “Wait a minute. Aren’t you a string?” “Yes I am,” said the string. “Well,” the bartender said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve string in here.” The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. “Excuse me,” the string said. “Would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel? The passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. “May I have a beer please?” it asked the bartender. The bartender set a beer in front of the string, and then asked, “Hey, aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?” “No, replied the string, “I’m a frayed knot.”
86. “A Mother Cabbage was explaining the facts of life to her offspring, little Sprout, “You have to weather storms and drought. You have to fend off animals, bugs, mold, and rot. But if you hang in there, you will grow.” “I will try mother,” said little Sprout, “but how will I know when to stop growing?” Mother Cabbage responded, “As with any gamble, you should quit when you’re a head.”
87. When an Indian shaman succeeded in driving an evil spirit out of a beautiful maiden of the tribe, she exclaimed, “Thank you very much!” and proceeded to hug the medicine man. The latter’s squaw was, however, angered by the maiden’s touching gesture of gratitude and told her in no uncertain terms, “Do not squeeze the shaman!”