Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. A few tips from the Redneck book of manners: Never take a beer to a job interview. Never take a cooler to church. Never give livestock as a wedding gift. Never ask your girlfriend to bring back beer when she’s walking to get gas for your empty pickup truck.
2. Sam works for the circus, following the elephants with a pail and shovel. One day a friend came by and says, “Sam, I’ve got a job for you in my office. You’ll wear a suit and tie, work regular hours and start at a nice salary. How about it?” Sam replies, “What? And give up show business?
3. A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-up.” A local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, you were close, but the number was 7.” A week later the redneck, along with his friend, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for free sex and the proprietor asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2, but the proprietor said he was sorry, but the number was 3. As they were driving away, the redneck said to his friend, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.” Bubba replied, “It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”
4. After selling their tomatoes and squash at the flee market, Bubba and Elwood were driving down the street in Atlanta and saw a sign that read “Shirts $2.00, trousers $5.00. Bubba had an idea and told his brother Elwood, “We could buy a bunch of them shirts and trousers and sell them back home and make a fortune.” Elwood agreed. So, they parked the pickup truck, walked in the store and told the clerk they want to buy a bunch of them shirts and trousers advertised in the window. The clerk looks at them and says, “You boys aren’t from around here are you?” Bubba replies, “How’d yall know?” “Because,” responded the clerk, “This is a dry cleaners.”
5. Elwood and Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. Elwood said, “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She took a tape measure from the toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “It’s eighteen feet, six inches long” and walked away. Bubba shook his head and laughed. “Well ain’t that just like a woman!” “We need the height and she gives us the length.”
6. Ten men and one woman were clinging to a rope hanging from a helicopter in a flood area. They decided that one person had to let go because the rope was about to break under their weight and everyone would plunge to their death. No one could decide who should go and they continued to dangle until the woman gave a touching speech. She said, “I will give up my life to save the others because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children.” Deeply moved, all the men started clapping.
7. Two men were sitting on a bark bench talking. One man said, “In the televised Sport Illustrated swimsuit contest, the girls walk down the aisle in their underwear, and its called art and fashion. I did that after I’d had a few beers the other day and now I’m not allowed back in Walmart.”
8. A farm implements salesman was driving up to a farm in the deep south when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to the branch of an apple tree. As the salesman watched, the pig bites a large apple off the branch. The farmer puts the animal down and picks up another pig who gobbles up another apple. After the farmer does this for several other pigs, the salesman asked, “Wouldn’t it be easier to pick the apples and let the pigs eat them off the ground?” “Might be,” the farmer replies, “but what’s the advantage in that?” “Well, for one thing,” says the salesman, “it would save a lot of time.” “Could be,” says the farmer, “but what’s time to a pig?”
9. When a woman answered the door, a plumber standing on her porch said, “I’m here to fix your clogged toilet ma’am.” The woman replied, “I didn’t call a plumber.” The plumber responded, “Aren’t you Mrs. Smith?” “No,” the woman said, “the Smiths moved out several months ago.” “Well, don’t that beat all,” the plumber grunted. “She calls and says it’s an emergency, and then she moves away.”
10. Two fellows were working at a sawmill when the first fellow got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. His ear fell into the sawdust pit, and the fellow was down there trying to find it. The other fellow said “What’re you doing down there?” The first fellow said, “I cut my ear off, and I’m a-looking for it.” The other fellow jumped in the pit, and said “I’ll help you.” He got down on his hands and knees and began looking around. Then he hollered, “Here it is, I found it!” The first fellow took it and said, “Keep a-looking, mine had a pencil behind it!”
11. A man confided to a friend, “I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.”
12. Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at an Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job. Since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test. They were taken to a quiet room so that there would be no interruptions. When the results were in, both men scored 19 out of 20 and were informed of their grade. The manager called Murphy into the office and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we have decided to give the job to the Norwegian.” Murphy replied, “And why would you be doing that when we both have the same number of correct answers? This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job.” The manager explained, “We have made our decision not on the number of correct answers, but on the question you got wrong. On question number 7, the Norwegian wrote ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”
13. A West Virginia coal miner was bragging about his vacation, saying, “I took my wife to the West Indies.” A friend asked, “Jamaica?” “No,” the miner replied, “she wanted to go.”
14. A farmer sat in the kitchen while the mid-wife attended his wife upstairs. Suddenly, the midwife shouted, “Bring the lamp. The baby’s coming!” He ran upstairs and held the lamp while his wife gave birth to a girl. Then he headed back to the kitchen. As he got halfway down the stairs, the midwife shouted, “Bring the lamp back. It’s gonna be twins!” The farmer rushed back in time to hold the lamp while another baby girl was born. Then he headed downstairs again. He was pouring coffee when he heard the midwife shout, “Bring the lamp back. Here comes another!” “I’m staying put!” the farmer yelled back. “I think they’re attracted to the light.”
15. A man was taking various test in a country hospital. A nurse asked him to take a bottle to the bathroom and bring her the result. When he came out, he asked his wife to return the bottle to the nurse. “Is this urine?” the nurse asked. “No,” his wife replied, “It’s his’n.”
16. The attendant on desk duty in the maternity ward answered to phone. An excited voice at the other end said, “This is Bubba Johnson and I’m bringing in my wife right now... she’s about to have a baby!” “Try to keep calm,” the attendant replied. “Is this her first baby?” “No,” the voice replied, “this is her husband.”