Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
2. There are four stages to old age. You forget names. You forget faces. You forget to zip up. You forget to zip down.
3. A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps."One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
4. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
5. A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaim “I want to join your biker club!” The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she would be allowed to join. So the biker asks her “You have a bike?” The little old lady says “Yea, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her “Do you smoke?” the little old lady says “Yea, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker was impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?” The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
6. Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
7. 85-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
8. When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
9. An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
10. Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
11. A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
12. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
13. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, "I didn't say that.. I said, You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
14. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
15. An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
16. Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
17. Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
18. The three stages of life. You believe in Santa Claus. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. You become Santa Claus. You look like Santa Claus.
19. Exercises for Senior Citizens: With a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms horizontally and hold for one minute, then relax. After two weeks of this exercise move up to ten pound potato sacks. After one month try fifty pound sacks. Eventually you will be able to lift one hundred pound potato sacks in each hand, holding your arms straight for one minute. After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.
20. Dr. Geezer: An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh ! -This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."
21. The grave-side service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's there.”
22. A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.” “'Really,” answered the neighbor. What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
23. Three old guys are out walking. The First one says, “Windy, isn't it?” The second one says, “No, it's Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let's go get a beer.”
24. A senior citizen said to his eighty-five year old buddy: “So I hear you're getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “No, not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can't cook.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don't know.” “Well, why in the world do you want to marry her?” “Because she can still drive!”
25. A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks. Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where's my toast ?”
26. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
27. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
28. One Friday night a dapper 95 year old man walked into a bar and spotted an attractive woman seated by herself . After sitting on the bar stool beside her, he said, “Hello beautiful. Do I come here often?”
29. As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that: If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
30. A celebrity was doing a benefit at a senior citizens home. He went up to one of the elderly ladies, sat down beside her and said, “Do you know who I am? She said, “No, but go to the front desk. They’ll tell you who you are.”
31. A miserly old fellow saw an advertisement that a new brothel charged $100 for the first visit and $50 after that. During his first visit he knocked on the door of the brothel and the madam said, “Who’s there.” His response was, “It’s me again.”
32. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her I even got a membership card, and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club. Oh man, I'm in trouble again and I really don't know what to do since I signed up for five jumps a week" I said. The line went quiet, but her friend picked up the phone and told me she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
33. A 65 year old man was working out in a gym when he spotted a sexy young woman. He asked his trainer, “What machine should I use to impress a girl like that?” The trainer replied, “I’d try the ATM in the lobby.”
34. A man was having dinner at a friend’s house when he noticed that his friend kept using terms like honey, darling, sweetheart, and pumpkin when talking to his wife. The man was impressed with his friend’s affection for his wife knowing that they had been married for more than 50 years. When his wife went into the kitchen, the man commented, “I think it’s great that after all these years you still call your wife by such affectionate names.” “The truth is,” the friend replied, “I forgot her name ten years ago.”
35. A old married couple were facing each other in a nursing home. The old man is in a wheelchair. The old woman is leaning on a walker. The old man confesses, “I was unfaithful to you once. With some redhead in the men’s room of a pool hall in 1951. I was drunk.” The old woman responded, “That was me.”
36. A man died and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover an elaborate funeral. After the funeral a family friend asked the man’s widow how much of the money she used for the funeral. “All of it,” she replied. “The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone.” After a quick calculation, the friend said, “You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?” “Two and a half carats,” the widow replied.
37. One morning a man opened the newspaper and was stunned to see his own death notice in the obituary column. Horrified, he called his friend. “Have you seen today’s paper?” he asked. “Yes, I saw it,” his friend replied. “So where are you calling from?”
38. Two old men were shooting pool at the senior center when one old guy asked the other fellow if he could still make love to his wife. The other man said, “Oh, we do it almost every night of the week.” Surprised, the first man repeated, “Almost every night?” “Yelp!” the second fellow responded, “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”
39. A lonely old woman was sitting on a park bench when a handsome older man sat down next to her. “Are you from the neighborhood?” she asked. “I lived her years ago,” he said. “So where have you been all these years?” she asked. “In prison,” he said. “Why did they put you in prison?” she asked. He looked at her and said, “Because I killed my wife.” “Oh!” the old woman said. “So you’re single...”
40. Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in and only a few shelves and display racks were set up. One said to the other, “I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.” Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?” One of the men replied sarcastically, “We're selling ass-holes.” Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”
41. A businessman boarded an international flight and found an elegant woman seated next to him wearing a large beautiful diamond ring. During the flight he asked her about the ring. She said, “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse.” What’s the curse?” The man asked. She replied, “Mr Klopman.”
42. Two men were bragging about their families. “My grandfather correctly predicted the year he was going to die,” said the first man. “Oh really?” the other fellow said, “My grandpa knew the exact day of the year he was going to die.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the first man said. “How did he know that?” The other fellow replied, “The judge told him.”
43. A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $150,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $130,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave them the keys. "There you go," she said. " See you later, dad."
44. A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. He answered and his wife was on the other end warning him, “I just heard on the new’s there’s a car going the wrong way on the interstate. Please by careful.” “I know,” the old man said, “but it’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them.”
45. An old man was astounded and worried when his 85 year old friend announced his upcoming marriage to a twenty-year-old girl. “At your age,” he cautioned, “couldn’t that be fatal?” His friend responded, “If she dies, she dies.”
46. Just as an elderly woman was turning her Mercedes into a parking space at the mall, she was edged out by a red Firebird. “You’ve got to be young and fast,” jeered the teenaged driver. The woman reversed, revved up her engine, and rammed the Firebird. As the Mercedes headed for his car again, the teenager yelled “What the hell are you doing?” The elderly woman smiled sweetly and said, “You’ve got to be old and rich.”
47. Two old men were tottering around the park on their morning
constitutional. “How are you,” asked one of the old men patting his friend
on the arm. “Terrible, terrible,” mutters the other man. “My memory is
going. For example, I can’t remember whether it was you or your brother that
48. An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely. Concerned, he went to the doctor who looked in his ear, picked up a pair of forceps, and extracted a suppository. “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor announced. The old man replied, “Now I know what I did with my hearing aid.”
49. An eager young real-estate agent was trying to sell an old coot a
condominium in Palm Beach. After outlining the condo’s many attractions, he
confidently concluded his pitch, “And Mr. Rosenbach, this is an investment
in the future.” “Sonny,” croaked Rosenbach, “at my age I don’t even buy
50. “He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.” Milton Berle.
51. “Im at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.” George Burns.
52. “A man is as old as the woman he feels.” Groucho Marx.
53. “There’s one advantage to being a hundred and two years old. There’s
no peer pressure.” Dennis Wolfberg.
54. “My grandmother’s ninety. She’s dating. He’s ninety-three. They’re very happy. They never argue. They can’t hear each other.” Cathy Ladman.
55. “He’s so old his blood type has been discontinued.” Bill Dana.
56. An 85 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the court the judge asked, “What did you steal?” She said, “A can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen the can peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied “6.” The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.” Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?” The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
57. An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical exams on the same day. After examining the elderly man the doctor asked him if he had any concerns he would like to talk about. The old fellow said “Yes I do.” After I make love to my wife the first time I am always hot and sweaty. But after the second time I’m cold and chilly.” After examining the elderly woman the doctor asked her if she had any concerns she would like to discuss. She replied that she had no concerns. So he asked her if she could shed any light on her husbands concern related to being hot and cold after making love to her. She replied, “That old fool, the first time is in July and the second time is in December.”
58. One morning at an assisted living center one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so a friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if he was okay. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. Thirty minutes later he was coming down the stairs but was having a difficult time. He seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to eat breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
59. An old married couple were sitting in their family room one night and when the husband said, “Just to let you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine with fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens pull the plug.” His wife got up, poured out all his beer and unplugged the TV.
60. My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." He asked "How do you know that?" "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him, yes and handed it to him." He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!
61. A winery in California that produces Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios developed a new hybrid. It acts as an antidiuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the toilet during the night. They are marketing it as Pinot more.
62. A man who had been married for 70 years was asked about the secret of such a long marriage. He replied, “It’s really very simple. Two nights a week we take time to go out to a restaurant. A quiet dinner, soft music, some candlelight, a slow walk home. She goes out on Tuesdays. I go out on Fridays.”
63. Old woman’s prayer: “Dear God, please give me longer arms or put my feet higher, perhaps at my knees, so I can take off my shoes without feeling as though I’m about to give birth.”
64. A coed was excited about her date with a car enthusiast. Explaining it to her roommate she said, “My date tonight will pick me up in his 1932 Rolls-Royce. Isn’t that fantastic?” “Yes,” responded her roommate, but there’s one little hitch. He’s the original owner.”
65. A husband went out to buy a birthday present for his wife. In the department store he spotted some cute little music boxes. A green one was playing a familiar love song that he knew his wife would like. Assuming all the boxes were the same he chose a blue one and had it gift-wrapped. When his wife opened the gift and lifted the lid, it played the tune, “The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be!”
66. An old couple wanted to take a sight seeing tour over Atlanta in an open-air biplane, but they said they didn’t have enough money to pay the $89 fare. So the pilot offered them a deal. He said he would take them up for a free ride if they promised not to say a single word during the flight. Otherwise they would have to pay the fare. The flight passed without a word being spoken. Back on the ground, the pilot said he didn’t think they could do it. The old man replied, “You almost won, cause I sure felt like hollering when mama fell out.”
67. As fierce winds swirled down the street, a policeman noticed an elderly woman standing on a corner holding tightly to her hat as her skirt blew above her waist. “Look lady,” he said, “while you’re holding on to your precious hat, everybody’s getting a good look at everything you have.” “Listen, sonny,” she replied, “what they’re looking at is eighty years old. But this hat is brand-new.”
68. Two old friends met by chance on the street after many years. “So Tillie, how have you been?” Sadie asked. “I’m ashamed to tell you that at the age of seventy-five, I’m having an affair.” “Really?” Sadie replied. “So who’s the caterer?”
69. An elderly couple were sitting together on their couch when the woman said, “I remember when you kissed me whenever you could.” The man leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I also remember when you held my hand all the time.” The old man placed his hand on hers. She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble my neck.” The old man shuffled out of the room. “Where are you going?” asked the old woman. The old man responded, “I’m going to find my teeth.”
70. An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed suffering the agonies of impending death. Suddenly he smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and crawled downstairs. Gazing into the kitchen he saw hundreds of his favorite cookies spread out on the kitchen table. He thought, was it heaven or the final act of love from his devoted Italian wife of seventy years? Mustering great effort he crawled to the table and reached with his aged withered hand to retrieve one of the cookies, but suddenly his wife smacked his hand with a spatula yelling “Get out of here! These cookies are for the funeral!”
71. Two elderly park-benchers were discussing their love-life when Joel said, “You know, Herb. I understand that eating oysters puts lead in your pencil. Why don’t we try it?” Herb replied, “I don’t know about you Joel, but I don’t have that many women to write to.”
72. An old man was surprised when his gorgeous neighbor knocked on his door one evening. When he opened the door she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, go out for some drinks and spend the night with someone. Are you doing anything tonight?” The old fellow was excited and quickly responded, “Nooo, I’m free tonight and at your service.” “Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
73. Eighty-five-year old Bessie burst into the men’s recreation room at the retirement home and announced, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can sleep with me tonight.” One old guy said, “An elephant.” Bessie looked him over for a moment, then nodded, “Close enough.”
74. A 112 year old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 112?” he asked. She responded, “No peer pressure.”
75. “Come over immediately,” the old maid shrieked into the telephone. “A naked man is trying to climb into my apartment window.” “I’ll transfer you to the police department,” the voice at the other end said. “This is the fire department.” “I know,” came the impatient reply. “It’s the fire department I’m after. We need a longer ladder.”
76. Two old sisters, Emma and Grace were living together. Both of them were in their nineties. The oldest sister Grace was getting ready to take a bath and had run some water in the tub. She put one foot in the water, and started thinking. Then she hollered down stairs to her sister Emma, “Am I getting in the tub, or am I getting out of the tub? Emma said “I’m coming,” and started up the stairs. About half way up she started thinking, and hollered to her sister, “Grace, was I going up the stairs, or was I going down the stairs?”
77. An 85 year old man met a fellow geriatric at a bar one day and asked him what he’d been doing lately. The friend said he’d just spent six months in jail, after being convicted of rape. “Rape!” shouted the first man. “At your age? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.” “I know,” replied the friend, “but I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”
78. A mother put her three-year-old son on the phone to talk to his great-grandmother. After a few minutes, the old woman said she loved him and he responded the he loved her too. Then as an afterthought he added, “Aren’t you the one who passed away?”
79. Several elderly church members were being asked to what they attributed their longevity. “Why do you think God has permitted you to reach the age of 99?” one old woman was asked. Without hesitation she responded, “To test the patience of my relatives.”
80. Two old people met in a nursing home. One of them asked, “What is your name?” The other one said, “How soon do you need to know?”
81. Two old women were gossiping, but one broke it off by saying, “I can’t tell you any more. I’ve already told you more than I heard.”
82. A preacher was visiting an old member of the church and said, “At your age, you aught to be thinking about the hearafter.” The old fellow replied, “Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, Now what am I hear after?”
83. Two old men were in a nursing home discussing their lives. One old fellow said, “If I had known I was going to live to ninety, I would have taken better care of myself.” The other man said, “How did you spend your money?” The first fellow said, “I spent some of it on liquor, some on women, and the rest I spent foolishly.”
84. “My timing was terrible,” commented one park-bencher to another. “What do you mean Harry?” the other man asked. Sadly, Harry continued, “I grew up at a time when all the fun stuff was prohibited. By the time the sexual revolution arrived, I had run out of ammunition.”
85. An old man in his late eighties was playing a round of golf. At a very swampy place on the course he saw a frog sitting in the water. The frog said, “I am an enchanted princess. Kiss me and I will turn into my beautiful former self.” The old man picked the frog up, put it into his pocket, and continued to play golf. After an hour of asking to be kissed with no response from the old man, the frog became very desperate. “Hey, old man, kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess that will do anything for your pleasure!” The old man said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
86. Two aging rival Hollywood stars were chatting at the Academy Awards. “You know, honey,” the first boasted, “Lloyd’s once insured my breasts for six million dollars.” “Really?” drawled the other star. “What did you do with the money?”
87. Two men were discussing their ability to remember names. One man said, “I never forget a face or a name.” The other fellow agrees, “Me neither. It’s just that the names I remember are seldom the same as those that belong with the faces.”
88. A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor’s waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. “Arthritis with complications?” she asked. The wife shook her head. “Do-it-yourself,” she explained, “with concrete blocks.”
89. Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking? Valets don't forget where they park your car.
90. How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband? Tell him you're pregnant.
91. How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? Take off your glasses.
92. Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
93. As people age, do they sleep more soundly? Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
94. Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses? On their foreheads.
95. Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
96. One old fellow to another: “I liked the old days best. I was younger then.”
97. An old woman explaining age to a younger woman. “You will always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously... and lie about your age.”
98. An elderly man came home from his daily walk in a rather agitated state. His wife asked him what was wrong and he replied, “I met John Jones and I said, How have you been Jones? And he replied, Fair to middling, thank you. How have you been Smith? Smith! I said. That’s not my name! Nor is my name Jones, he replied. Then we looked each other over again, and true! It was neither of us!”
99. Old fellow to park bench friend: “I never do drugs cause I can get the same effect by just standing up fast.”
100. Old fellow’s friend to old fellow: “Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.”
101. A teenaged boy was worried about what to give his girlfriend for her birthday. So he asked his grandmother, “If you were going to be 16 years old tomorrow, what would you want for your birthday?” His grandmother replied, “Not another thing!”
102. A woman commenting to a friend, “It may be true that life begins at 40, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”