Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Twin seven year old boys were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew if any mischief was reported in town, the twins were probably involved. Their mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent one boy in the morning, with the other boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed, ran directly home and hid in his closet. When his twin brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" His brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
2. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T] When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
3. A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
4. After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best @%&x sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a @#&x good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so @%&x good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "No @#&x?"
5. A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
6. As a young man was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 25, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for him, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the new priest woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the priest headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then the priest hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
7. A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
8. A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
9. A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
10. It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there. He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute."Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."
11. After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
12. A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
13. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
14. It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass.
15. "One of the best sermons I ever heard was short and was delivered on New Year's Day:' Some of you raised it last night. Some of you look like it today. Some of you are going there if you don't watch out'." A quote from a column in today's Birmingham News.
16. Biblical lessons from kids: The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
17. A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young boy protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the bou, "he's under the load of hay."
18. A man went into a confessional booth and discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on tap and a stock of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest walked into the room the man said, “Father, forgive me, it has been a long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must say the confessional box is much more inviting than I remember.” The priest responded, “Get out, you’re on my side.”
19. A Sunday-school teacher was telling her class about the Bible. She told them about the kings of the Old Testament and the queens who vied for attention. Then she told them there was a higher power and asked them if anyone could tell her what it was. One student raised his hand and said, “Aces!”
20. How are Christmas and working for a Fortune 500 company similar? You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit takes all the credit.
21. The preacher’s sermon was on the Ten commandments. When he reached “Thou shalt not steal,” he noticed one of his parishioners, became very agitated. When the preacher reached “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” the man suddenly smiled and relaxed. After the service, the preacher approached the man and asked him the reason for his peculiar behavior. The man replied with an embarrassed smile, “When you talked about the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,” I suddenly discovered my umbrella was missing. But when you said “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left it.”
22. Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. When they got to the pearly gates they were told that before they could enter they needed to present something that embodied the spirit of Christmas. One man searched his pockets and found some mistletoe, so he was allowed in. A second man presented a cookie, so he was allowed in. The third man pulled out a pair of panties. Saint Peter asked, “How do these represent the spirit of Christmas?” The man responded, “They were Carol’s.”
23. An old priest overheard a new priest’s comments in the confessional
and called him in to talk about improvement. The old priest suggested saying
things like, “I see, go on, and I understand, and how did you feel about
that?” The old priest said, “Now don’t you think that’s better than slapping
your knee and saying “Wow, I can’t believe you did that, what happened
24. One day the devil challenged God to a baseball game. Smiling, God proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance. I’ve got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here.” “Yes,” laughed the devil, “but I have all the empires.”
25. A priest was performing last rites on a dying man. “Renounce the devil!” he said. “Let him know how little you think of him!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order, but still the man said nothing. “Why do you refuse to renounce the devil?” the priest asked. The man responded, “Until I know where I’m going, I don’t think I should aggravate anybody.”
26. A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon were bragging about the size of their families. “I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another,” said the Catholic. “One more and I’ll have a basketball team.” “That’s nothing, said the Baptist. “I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I’ll have a football team.” “I’ve got you both beat,” said the Mormon. “I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
27. One Sunday, a minister told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He promised that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. A spinster ran up to the altar, handed the minister a check for $50,000 and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.”
28. A Sunday school teacher asked a little boy, “Tommy, do you believe in the devil?” “No sir, the little boy responded, “He’s just like Santa Claus. I think it’s my daddy.”
29. A woman in a confessional said, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest took a look at her and said, “My dear, that isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.”
30. In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has rested.
31. After a Bible school teacher read the story of the prodigal son, she asked if anyone knew what it means to waste your substance on riotous living? One little boy spoke up and said, “It means to spend all your money on bubble gum.”
32. A four-year old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year old Protestant girl next to a pool in the back yard. They splashed each other, got wet and decided to take off their clothes. The little girl looked at the little boy and said, “I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”
33. A four-year-old boy was asked by his mother what he had learned in Bible school where the theme was Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth. He said, “It was all about Jesus and the 12 recycles.”
34. After listening to a rather long and tedious sermon, a five-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. His father said, “He’s very busy taking care of church business, visiting the sick and doing other similar work.” He also needs to rest up because giving a sermon isn’t easy.” The little boy responded, “Well, listening to a sermon isn’t easy either.”
35. A young Protestant couple decides they want to become Catholic. The priest asked, “How long have you been Protestant?” They respond, “All our lives.” The priest thinks about it and says, “We usually ask those who want to join our faith to perform some sort of penance to prove their sincerity.” “I’ll make your penance simple. You must not make love for thirty days.” Thirty-one days later the husband returns and the priest asked, “How did it go?” The young husband said, “Well, for the first 29 days we didn’t even look at each other, but on the 30th day I saw her standing over the freezer and I just couldn’t help myself.” The priest frowns and says, “I’m sorry son but this means we won’t be able to let you into the arms of the church.” “That’s okay,” the husband responds. “They won’t let me into the supermarket any more either.”
36. One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the barber has finished, the priest asked how much he owes. The barber says, “The haircut is free for a man of the cloth.” The priest thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a case of wine outside his shop. A few days later a Baptist minister comes in for a haircut and again the barber tells him the it is free. The minister thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a box of chocolates outside his shop. A few days later a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again the barber provides the haircut on the house. The rabbi thinks, “What a nice man.” The next day the barber finds a long line of rabbis outside his shop.
37. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?” A little girl raised her hand and said, “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?”
38. A little boy asked his dad, “Did you go to Sunday school every week when you were a kid?” His father replied, “I sure did son.” The little boy responded, “I’ll bet it won’t do me any good either.”
39. An old couple took their four-year-old grandson to church where the grandmother sang in the choir. She gave the boy a quarter to keep his grandfather awake during the sermon, but grandpa slept through most of the service. After church she asked the boy why he had not followed her instructions. He said, “Grandpa gave me 50 cents not to wake him up.”
40. A three year old was excited to see an altar boy lighting candles during the church service. In the middle of the silent prayer that followed, he stood up and sang, “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..”
41. A young boy asked his mother who made the moon. His mother said, “God made the moon.” “Then, who made the stars?” the boy continued. “His mother replied, “God made the stars.” “Okay,” he continued, “then who made the trees?” “His mother continued, “Of course God made the trees.” Well,” continued the boy, “what I want to know is, didn’t Jesus ever do anything?”
42. At one of Bob Hope’s Christmas shows he was asked about his schedule. He replied, “I do benefits for all religions - I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
43. “I’ll give you an idea how bad my cooking really is. Last Christmas the family chipped in and bought me an oven that flushes.” Phyllis Diller.
44. What makes a good Christmas sermon? George Burns said, “The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then have the two as close together as possible.”
45. How do we know that Santa Claus is a man? Because no woman would wear
the same outfit year after year.
46. Sign in a department store: “Make this a Christmas your spouse will never forget! Charge everything.”
47. Blooper in a church Christmas bulletin: “The choir will sing ‘I Heard the Bills on Christmas Day.’”
48. A seven year old boy’s letter to Santa. “Dear Santa: Last Christmas I asked you for a baby sister. This year I want you to take her back.” Tom.
49. A preacher called upon a horse thief who had been converted at a camp meeting to tell the congregation what the Lord had done for him. The reformed thief stood up and said, “It looks like the Lord done ruined me.”
50. A little boy asked his father, “What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and puts it on the pulpit when he starts his sermons?” His father replied, “Absolutely nothing son, absolutely nothing.”
51. A preacher and a golf pro played golf together, but neither one was aware of the status of the other player. The golf pro suggested that they play for $10 per hole. The preacher thought he could play fairly well so he agreed. The golf pro won every hole and the preacher was sorry he had agreed to the bet. After the match when the pro saw the preacher change into his clerical garb he said, “I’m sorry Reverend, I wouldn’t have taken your money if I had known you were a preacher.” “That’s quite alright,” the preacher responded. “To prove there are no hard feelings, you bring your parents around sometime and I’ll be glad to marry them.”
52. There was a rather ordinary traffic accident where one car had stopped for a red light and another car had bumped into to it from behind. The first car was being driven by a minister and the second by a priest. A policeman named O’Malley came to the scene of the accident to determine who was at fault. After recognizing the status of the two men involved he said, “How fast would you say he was going when he backed into you, Father?”
53. A member of a Baptist family died while the minister was out of town. The family asked a young local Methodist minister to conduct the funeral service. He told them he would have to check with the Bishop. He wired the Bishop: “Could I bury a Baptist?” The Bishop wired back: “Sure, bury all the Baptists you can!”
54. A man walked into a church on crutches, stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some on his legs and then tossed his crutches aside. An altar boy who witnessed the man’s actions ran to tell the priest what had happened. The priest said, “Son you have just witnessed a miracle. Where is this man now?” The altar boy replied, “Lying on the floor next to the holy water.”
55. Sign in front of a Catholic Church: Premarital workshop, July 18-19.
Grief Recovery, Starts July 21st.
56. Sign in front of a Baptist Church: “Jesus Saves.” Sign directly across the street at a grocery store. “We Save You More.”
57. A Sunday school teacher asked her class if they could think of ways in which people waste time. One little boy raised his hand and said, “How about taking a bath?”
58. Adam asked God, “Why did you make Eve so beautiful? God replied, “So you would love her.” “But why did you make her so dumb?” Adam asked. God answered, “So she would love you.”
59. Sign on a church bulletin board. “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
60. Why did God create man before woman? He didn’t want any advice.
61. After a church service, a preacher announced, “The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
62. After a church service, a minister said to a woman, “I noticed that your husband walked out in the middle of the service. I hope I didn’t say anything that offended him.” “I don’t think so,” the wife replied. “He’s been walking in his sleep for years.”
63. In the beginning, Adam asked God for a mate. God said, “I can give you the perfect companion, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam replied, “That’s a bit much. What can I get for a rib?”
64. A Baptist minister who was not very popular with his congregation announced one Sunday, “The Lord Jesus has told me he has work for me elsewhere. I will be moving to another church.” The congregation rose spontaneously and sang, “What a friend we have in Jesus...”
65. A young minister, who was just out of the seminary, decided to take a job on the police force to gain some experience he thought would be useful in his later work. One of the questions on the oral exam was, “What would you do to disperse an agitated crowd?” His reply: “I’d take up a collection.”
66. “People are inconsistent. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.”
67. A minister caught two little boys playing hooky from Bible school. He asked them, “Don’t you want to go to heaven?” “Not me,” one boy said. The minister responded, “You don’t want to go to heaven when you die?” “Sure, when I die,” the boy responded. “I thought you were getting up a group to go now.”
68. A minister went to a blacksmith to buy a horse. The blacksmith said, “I have the perfect horse for a man of god. This horse was raised by a religious family. You can’t say ‘Giddyap’ to make him go. You’ve got to say “Praise the Lord.’ And when you want him to stop, you can’t say ‘Whoa’, you’ve got to say ‘Amen’.” The minister paid for the horse, mounted him and said, “Praise the Lord.” The horse started towards their destination as expected, but after a couple of miles the horse was spooked by a snake and took off at a gallop toward a cliff that bordered a river two-hundred feet below. In a panic, the minister yelled “Whoa!” forgetting the instructions given by the blacksmith. Finally at the last moment he remembered and shouted, “Amen!,” stopping the horse at the edge of the cliff. “Wow, that was close,” the grateful minister said, “Praise the Lord.”
69. A mother who was feeling poorly one Sunday decided not to go to church with her family. She asked her little girl to remember what the sermon was about so she could explain it to her mother. When the child came home she reported, “The preacher said, ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’” Of course the mother didn’t understand the child’s explanation, so she called the minister. He explained that the message was, “Fear not, thy comforter will come.”
70. Two men with the same name lived next door to each other in Alaska. One was a preacher and the other was a salesman. The preacher died at about the same time the salesman took a business trip to Florida. When the salesman arrived he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had arrived safely. By mistake, the message was delivered to the deceased minister’s house. It read: “Arrived safely. Heat here awful.”
71. A little girl was crying about the death of her kitten. Her mother, trying to comfort the child told her that God works in mysterious ways. “But mommy,” the little girl responded, “What in the world would God want with a dead cat?”
72. “A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.” H. L. Mencken.
73. A minister said that it doesn’t bother him when his members look at their watches during his sermons. It does bother him, however, when they hold it up to see if it‘s still running.
74. During a sermon, a preacher told his congregation that there were one hundred different sins. The next week he received dozens of request for copies of the list.
75. A minister in a Georgia farming community convened a prayer meeting to pray for rain during a serious drought. On that cloudless morning the church was full to overflowing when he came to the pulpit and posed the following question to his flock. “You all know why we’re here. What I want to know is, why didn’t any of you bring umbrellas?”
76. An army private was on guard duty at 4 A.M. Although he tried to stay awake, he was asleep when the officer of the guard came by to check the post. Sensing someone was there, the private kept his head down for a moment, then looked up and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”