Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?" A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
2. Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
3. One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
4. A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $28,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
5. A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said “You guess!"
6. A student complained that her correct answers were marked incorrect: Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle. Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page. Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid. Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * Marriage. Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * Exams. Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner. Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half. Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? * Wet. Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? * He sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? * Very large hands. Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
7. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Class started before I got here. Teacher: Why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me to do it without using tables. Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Student: H I J K L M N O. Teacher: That's incorrect and silly. Student: But yesterday you said it was H to O. Teacher: Name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Student: Me. Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but admitted it. Do you know why his father didn't punish him? Student: He still had the axe in his hand. Teacher: Your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his paper? No, mam, it's the same dog. Teacher: what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher.
8. Student: Sir, I have a complaint. I don't believe I deserve a zero on this exam. Professor: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give.
9. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
10. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
11. A college student who moved back in with his parents for the summer nervously walked into the kitchen. “Mom,” he said, “I lost a bottle of pills that said Ecstasy on the cap. Have you seen anything like that?” “Nooo,” she answered, “But have you seen the dragon on the ceiling?”
12. A physics professor was explaining a complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young student said. “To save lives,” the professor replied. “How does physics save lives?” asked the student. “Physics saves lives,” the professor answered, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”
13. A busy executive told a young man who was looking for a job that he valued education and asked him where he got his schooling. The young fellow said, “Yale.” The executive said “Me too, you’re hired.” “Thank you sir,” the new employee responded. “And by the way, my name is Yack Yackson.”
14. A schoolteacher asked her class, “If your father won $10,000 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?” One young girl raised her hand and replied, “A heart attack.”
15. A kindergarten class had settled down to it’s coloring books when one little boy said to the teacher, “I ain’t got no crayons.” The teacher replied, “You mean I don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?” “No Mam,” the little boy responded. “What happened to all the crayons?”
16. A new student was in line at the school dining hall when a woman with a spatula said, “Would you like dinner?” “That depends,” the student said. “What are my choices?” She responded, “ Yes or No.”
17. A teacher asked her first grade class what their favorite animal was. One little boy said, “Fried chicken.”
18. A woman was bragging to a friend about her son who was in college. “Our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary.” Her friend responded, “You’re lucky, every time we get a letter from our son, we have to go to the bank.”
19. A college student was making a presentation in speech class on how to skip class. The professor asked if he had any visual aids to clarify his points. The student responded, “I almost forgot!” Then he stepped into the hall and never came back.
20. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: “And in conclusion.”
21. A Boston stockbroker advertised for a “Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” A Yale man responded. “When you say equivalent, do you mean two Princeton men or a Yale man half-time?”
22. A student was taking a final exam shortly before Christmas. The exam consisted of one extremely difficult question. He thought about it for a while, but didn’t have a clue, so he wrote, “God only knows. Merry Christmas!” When the professor returned the student’s paper it included a note, “God gets an A, and you get an F. Happy New Year!"
23. A frog telephoned a psychic hotline and asked for a reading. The psychic said, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” “That’s great,” said the frog. “Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” said the psychic, “Next week, in biology class.”
24. Lecture defined: “A process where information is transferred from the notes of the professor to the notes of the students without passing through the brains of either.”
25. When forty-six hundred VA Tech graduates gathered in the football stadium for commencement exercises in 1981. The engineering students rose in masse, enthusiastically shouting, “We’ve got jobs! We’ve got jobs!” In response, the business students shouted, “Working for us! Working for us!”
26. A professor was telling his eight A.M. class, “I’ve found that the best way to start the day for an early class is to exercise for thirty minutes, then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over.” A sleepy voice from the back of the room responded, “Tell us more about Rosy.”
27. It was the first day of class and the professor announced, “If there are any morons in this class, I’d like them to stand up.” After a long pause, a lone freshman stood up. “Young man,” the professor asked, “do you consider yourself a moron?” “Well, not really, sir,” the student answered. “But I hated to see you standing up there all alone.”
28. A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable. On the first day of the term he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
29. A young Scotsman went to study at an English university and was living in a residence hall with other students. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit. “How do you find the English students?” she asked. “They are such noisy people,” he replied. The one on the left keeps banking his head on the wall and the one on the other side screams all night.” “So,” replied his mother “how do you put up with such noisy neighbors?” “I ignore them,” the boy said. “I just keep playing my bagpipes.”
30. A physics professor was explaining a complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing his lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long moment. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
31. Who talks in someone else’s sleep? An accounting professor.
32. What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond? A savings bond eventually matures and makes money.
33. What should you do when a musician comes to your door? Pay him and take the pizza.
34. What is the definition of an actuary? Someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn’t have the personality.