Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
2. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
3. A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
4. The businessman called his less than ambitious son into his office and announced he had decided to make him a full time partner in the company."Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?" he asked. "Well," the son answered, "I don't like working in the shipping department, and I don't like being in sales, and I'd rather not be in the bookkeeping department--" "Listen," the father said, "as a full partner, what would you like most?""Hmmm," the son pondered, "I guess, most of all, I'd like you to buy me out."
5. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he."
6. A priest was talking to a group of children in front of the congregation and asked them if they knew what the Resurrection was. One little boy said “I know if you have a resurrection that last more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
7. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
8. The teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one little boy's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. She asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, she said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius the pilot!"
9. How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way!
10. Daughter to Dad Texting Communication in Today’s Generation: Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly. Dads reply ....also by texting: My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. Dad.
11. How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side.
12. A little boy asked his father “How much does it cost to get married? His father replied “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
13. Christmas was rough when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents.
14. Did you hear that A & P and Stop-N-Shop have merged? The new store’s name is Stop-N -P.
15. A little boy asked his mother, “Mom where did I get my intelligence from?” His mother replied, “You must have gotten it from your father, because I still have mine.”
16. A little boy asked his mother why she rubbed cold cream on her face. His mother replied, “To make myself beautiful.” A few minutes later she began to remove the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked the boy. “Are you giving up?”
17. A boy had his heart set on becoming an actor and finally got a part in a school play. He ran home after school excited to tell his dad. “That’s great” his father replied. “Who do you play.” The boy said, “I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.” His father replied, “Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.”
18. One night a man was passing by his son’s university on his way home from a business trip. He stopped, knocked on the front door of what he thought was his son’s frat house and asked “Does Brian live here?” The kid who opened the door said, “Yes, just leave him on the porch as usual.”
19. After many years of wondering why he didn’t look like his sisters or brothers, a man asked his mother if he had been adopted. “Yes you were son.” replied his mother. But it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
20. A teenage boy asked his father, “Dad, did you follow your dreams in life?” “No son”, replied the father, “My dreams were shattered years ago.” “How many years ago”, asked the boy. His father replied, “How old are you?”
21. A wife complained to her husband that he just sat around on the weekends drinking beer and watching the horse races on TV, when he should be spending quality time with his daughter. So one Saturday he took the little girl out for some quality time. When they returned the child said, “Mommy, Daddy took me to the Zoo and we saw lots of animals.” Really”, her mother responded. “And Mommy”, continued the child, “One of them paid ten to one.”
22. A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, “I think there might be some merit to this article. It says that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son.” “Well thank goodness,”said his wife, “our William has nothing standing in his way.”
23. A father bought a lie-detecting robot that slaps you if you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night” he asked. “I was at the library.” the son replied. The robot slapped the son. “Okay I was at a friend’s house,” the son admitted. “Doing what? The father asked. “Watching a movie,” the son replied. “Toy Story.” The robot slapped the son. “Okay it was porn.” cried the son. “That’s disgusting.” the father yelled. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, “He certainly is your son.” The robot slapped the mother.
24. A little girl asked her mother, “Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?” Her mother shook her head firmly. “Pleeease” the little girl begged. “Daddy’s swimming out there.” Her mother replied, “I know darling, but he’s insured.”
25. A little girl asked her mother, “Where did you meet Daddy?” “At a picnic,” her mother answered. “Did I go there with you?” the little girl asked. “No sweetheart,” her mother replied, “but you were with me on the way back.”
26. A young man was being interviewed for a job on the police force. The interviewer asked, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” The young fellow replied, “I’d call for backup.”
27. A teenage boy asked Santa for a Hummer with lots of chrome. On Christmas day a girl with braces knocked on his door.
28. A sixth-grade teacher asked her class which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? A little girl stood up and said, “You shouldn’t be asking sixth grade students a questions like that. I’m going to tell my parents.” The teacher ignored her and asked the class again. “Which body part increases to 10 times it’s size when stimulated?” This time a little boy stood up and said, “It’s the pupil of the eye.” “Very good,” the teacher responded. Then she turned to the little girl and added. “As for you young lady, I have two things to say: One, you didn’t read your homework, and two, one day you’re going to be very disappointed.”
29. At Christmas break a freshman brought a semester’s worth of dirty laundry home to wash. After loading the washer he yelled to his mother, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirts?” He yelled back, “University of Virginia.”
30. A college fraternity was frequently visited by the campus police and told to keep down the noise at their beer parties. So one day the frat boys decided to get back at the police. They let three goats lose on the campus and painted numbers on them: 1, 2, and 4. The campus police are still searching for number 3.
31. A man was selling tickets at the movie theater when he got a phone call. A caller said, “How much is a ticket?” The man said, “Seven dollars.” The caller responded, “How much for children?” The man said, “The same price, seven dollars.” The caller then said, “The airlines charge half price for children.” The man said, “You come to the movie and put your kids on the plane.”
32. One Saturday a father stork was late for dinner. When he finally came home his wife asked, “Were you late because you were delivering extra babies today?” “No,” he replied. “I was just out scaring college kids.”
33. Lessons kids learn from their parents: My mother taught me Religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My father taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My father taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My father taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My father taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home." My father taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. My father taught me about Justice. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
34. Two women were discussing their sons who were in college. The first woman said, “My son is so brilliant, every time I get a letter from him I have to go the dictionary.” “You’re lucky, the other woman said, “Every time I get a letter from my son, I have to go to the bank.”
35. A friend questioning a twenty-five year old woman still living with her parents. “Has anyone ever asked you to get married?” The woman replied, “Sure, many times.” The friend responded, “Oh really, Who asked you?” The woman replied, “My mother and father.”
36. A young woman’s prayer: “Dear Lord, I’m not asking anything for myself. I just want you to send my parents a son-in-law.”
37. A police officer asked an eight year old boy to explain why he broke his neighbor’s window. The boy explained, “Well, you see sir, I was cleaning my slingshot, and it went off.”