Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. An engineer died and was sent to hell. He asked if he could fix up the place, add some toilets, escalators, air conditioning etc. Later God called and asked how things were going. The devil said “Things are going great, got an engineer that’s making hell livable.” God says “There has been a mistake, he was supposed to come here. Send him up.” The Devil says “No way. I ‘m going to keep him.” God says “I’ll sue you.” The Devil says, “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
2. At a train station, 3 accountants and 3 lawyers are at the ticket counter. The accountants buy 3 tickets, but the lawyers only buy one ticket. The accountants ask why? The attorneys say, “wait and see”. They all get on the train and the 3 lawyers pile into the bathroom. When the conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says “ticket please”, one of the lawyers cracks the door and hands him the ticket. The next week the three lawyers purchase one ticket and the three accountants do not buy any tickets. The lawyers ask why? The accountants say “wait and see”. The 3 lawyers get on the train and pile into the bathroom as before. After a few minutes one of the accountants knocks on the door and says “ticket please”.
3. A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer gladly accommodates them, but tells them that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu. He says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
4. An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior; that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
5. A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my @%&x money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my @%&x money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
6. Have you heard about the lawyer with a conscience? Neither has anyone else.
7. A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
8. A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
9. The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick-looking, well dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else?......" "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts. It would still be $1,000 a visit. Again, the man took out the money, the two went up to her room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who live there." "Yes, I know," replied the man. "Your father died , and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
10. A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New York lawyer are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal says, “I have good news and bad news.” “The bad news is that we are going to kill you, cook you, eat you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how you want to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword. He says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol and he says,”God save the Queen” and blows his brains out. The New York lawyer says “Gimme a fork.” The Chief is puzzled, but gives him a fork. The lawyer takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over until blood is everywhere. The chief says, “This is horrible, what are you doing?” The lawyer raises his fist and says, “So much for your @%&x canoe.”
11. A lawyer decided to give his son a little lecture on business ethics. “Son, say for instance a client comes in and settles his account with a hundred-dollar bill. After he leaves, you notice a second hundred dollar bill stuck to the first one. In such a case you are presented with an ethical dilemma. Should you tell your partner?”
12. Attorneys Loeb and Weinstein were discussing the affairs of a client. “Did you hear about Schwartz?” asked Loeb. “Hear what” How’s his business doing? “Finished. Over the weekend his ware house burned to the ground.” “Such a nice guy, Schwartz.” responded Weinstein. “And finally he gets the good luck he deserves.”
13. A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand,“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background.” The witness replied, “I’d return the compliment, but I’m under oath.”
14. Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. The thieves line the customers up against the wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches and jewelry. Before the thieves reach them one lawyer jams something into the hand of the other lawyer. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, “What’s this?” The first lawyer replies, “It’s the fifty dollars I owe you.”
15. Two lawyers were driving in opposite directions and ran into each other totally demolishing both cars. After they crawled out one says to the other, “There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. That must mean that we should be friends.” The second lawyer says, “I completely agree, and look, another miracle, my bottle of wine didn’t break. We should drink and celebrate our good fortune.” He hands the bottle to the first lawyer who takes a few swigs and hands the bottle back. The second lawyer takes the bottle back and puts a cap on it. The first lawyer asks, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?” The second lawyer replied, “No, now I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
16. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
17. Why have laboratories switched from rats to lawyers for their
experiments? There are some things that you can’t get rats to do.
18. Two men met on the street one very cold morning. One said to the other, “How cold is it?” The other man said, “I’m not sure, but it must be really cold. I saw our lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.”
19. Two lawyers were talking about their weekends. “The first lawyer said, “I got a dog for my kids.” The other lawyer replied, “Good trade.”
20. A man walks into a lawyer’s office and says, “Excuse me, what’s your rate?” The lawyer says, “Fifty dollars for three questions.” The man was shocked, “Isn’t that a little steep?” “Yes,” says the lawyer. What’s your third question?”
21. A lawyer who was a notorious tightwad alleviated his few twinges of conscience by giving a quarter to a miserable-looking woman who sold bagels from a pushcart on the corner near his office. He never bought a bagel, but he always put a quarter into her grimy palm and felt himself a virtuous man. This went on for months until one day the bagel woman tugged at his immaculate cuff and said, “Mister, Mister, I gotta tell ya something.” The lawyer said, “I suppose you want to know why I give you a quarter every day but never take the bagel?” “Nah” replied the woman, “That’s yer business. My business is telling ya the price’s gone up to thirty-five cents.”
22. A rich attorney was riding down the road in his limousine when he saw a poor man and his family eating grass along the roadside. Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop. He got out of the limo and asked the man and his family to get into the limo. “You can eat all you want at my estate tonight,” he said as the family got into the car. “We haven’t mowed the lawn in a month.”
23. A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my casket when I die.” His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the casket, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's casket, and took the $2,000 cash.
24. What is the real reason the Ten Commandments have been banned from America’s public buildings? It creates a hostile work environment to post Thou shalt not Steal, Thou shalt not Commit Adultery and Thou shalt not Bear False Witness in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
25. A lawyer’s wife died. At the funeral, people were appalled to see the tombstone, ‘Here lies Martha, wife of attorney William Willis, Specializing in Divorce and Malpractice.’ After the funeral the lawyer burst into tears. A friend said, “You should cry after pulling a cheap publicity stunt like that.” The lawyer responded, “You don’t understand. I’m crying because they forgot to include the phone number.”
26. A personal-injury attorney complained to a friend that people shouldn’t refer to him as an ambulance-chaser. “It’s just not right to call me that.” His friend asked, “Why not, I think it’s a pretty accurate description.” The attorney responded, “It’s not accurate because I usually get there before the ambulance.”
27. A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with the attached note. “This bill is one year old.” The next week, the lawyer received his bill back with the attached note. “Happy birthday!”
28. A red-eyed widow asked the attorney about her husband’s will. “I’m sorry to tell you, my dear,” said the lawyer, “but your husband left all he had to the Home for Indigent Gentlewomen.” “But, what about me?” the widow asked. The lawyer responded, “You’re all he had.”
29. A man got a bill from a lawyer that said, “For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you, fifty dollars.”
30. A man was on trial for murder. The defense lawyer, trying to cast doubt in the minds of the jurors attack the testimony of the medical examiner. Lawyer: “And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse?” Doctor: “No.” Lawyer: “Did you perform CPR?” Doctor: “No.” Lawyer: Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive prior to declaring him dead?” Doctor: “No.” Lawyer: Then, isn’t it possible that prior to your declaring the victim dead that, in fact he may have been alive, and that it was your negligence that caused his death?” Doctor: “Well, aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he could have been out somewhere practicing law.”
31. A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter says, “Normally, we don’t let lawyers in here, but you’re in luck. We are running a special this month. You go to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come back to heaven for eternity. The lawyer says, “I’ll take the deal.” St. Peter says, “Good, I’ll put you down for two hundred and twelve years in hell.” The lawyer complains, “What, I’m only 65 years old!” St. Peter’s response: “For lawyers, we go by billing hours.”
32. An old miser on his deathbed called in his doctor, lawyer, and minister. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I’m going to disprove the myth that you can’t take it with you. Under my mattress are three envelopes, each containing 100,000 dollars. I want you each to take one now, and throw it in my grave before they shovel in the dirt.” At the funeral, each one threw in his envelope into the grave. After the service the minister confessed to the other two that he had kept $10,000 for the church building program. Then the doctor confessed that he had kept $20,000 to help build a new wing on the hospital. The lawyer said, “I am shocked and ashamed of you both. I threw in a personal check for the full amount.”
33. A lawyer by the name of Strange died. His family asked the tombstone inscriber to write “Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer” on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse the passerby, who would think three people were buried there. He suggested, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.” “When anyone walks by,” he explained, “they’ll be certain to remark, “That’s Strange.”
34. An attorney asked a woman on the witness stand, “What was the first thing your husband said to you this morning?” The woman answered, “Where are you Cathy?” “And why did that upset you?” asked the attorney. The woman responded, “Because my name is Susan!”
35. In a legal case involving a drug that the witness said made her forget things, an attorney asked, “Can you give me an example of something that you have forgotten?”
36. In a murder case, an attorney asked a witness, “Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
37. In examining a man about his children, an attorney asked, “Your
youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”
38. In another case an attorney asked the witness, “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
39. In questioning a coroner, an attorney asked, “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
40. After a barber gave a priest a haircut he refused payment saying, “No, Father. You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen Bibles at the door of the shop. A few days later a policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “No officer. You serve and protect the neighborhood.” The next morning the barber found a dozen jelly doughnuts at the door of the shop. The next day a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut. Again the barber refused payment, saying, “No Counselor. You serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers at the door of the shop.
41. What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
42. An executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his IQ by 20 points. After a battery of test to determine compatibility he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate. Twenty IQ points could be obtained from one or more donors, but the cost would vary based on the type of donor, and the candidate would have to find the donor, or donors. For example, if he could find an accountant, economist, or engineer that would agree, the cost would be only $25,000. On the other hand, if the 20 IQ points came from corporate executive’s, politician’s, or attorney’s brains, it would be much more expensive. “Why is that?” asked the executive. “Because,” the director explained, “for those brain types, it would take more than one brain donor.”