Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
2. A small boy asks his dad, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is doing it to the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep doo-doo.
3. Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates died in various accidents and ended up in heaven together before the throne of God. God asked Gore "What do you believe in Mr Gore?" Gore said, "I believe in the conservation and preservation of the earth." God said "Good, go stand over there!" Then he asked Clinton, "What do you believe in Mr. Clinton?" Clinton said, "I believe in helping people grow and prosper." God said, "Good, stand beside of Al Gore!" Then he asked Gates, "What do you believe in Mr. Gates?" Gates said, “I believe you are in my chair!"
4. The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
5. When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigation into the matter. The investigator checked the problem out at several post offices, and then reported to the former President. The results revealed that there was nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem was that people were spitting on the wrong side.
6. A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
7. A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?" "Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said. "In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."
8. A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
9. A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
10. One campaign consultant says he doesn't approve of political jokes. He's seen too many of them get elected.
11. During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of several politicians had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
12. What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
13. Why are there no nativity scenes in Washington D.C.? Because they can’t find three wise men.
14. “I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.” Margaret Thatcher.
15. A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.” The contractor said, I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.” The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”
16. What do politicians and diapers have in common? They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17. Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
18. Political speeches are like a steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
19. “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx.
20. The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars.
21. Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, “The bird is so smart, George his already taught him to pronounce more than 200 words.” “Wow, that’s impressive,” Cheney said. “But you do realize he just says the words, but really doesn’t understand what they mean.” “That’s fine,” Laura replied. “Neither does the parrot.”
22. “Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.” Lily Tomlin.
23. What’s the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball
you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
24. Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.
25. Concluding a powerful and impassioned speech enumerating his many splendid qualities, the candidate finally asked if anyone had any questions. “Yes sir,” called out a voice from the crowd. “Who else is running?”
26. Why does Illinois have the best-run, cleanest prisons in the U.S.? Because Illinois politicians are afraid they may end up in one of them.
27. If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. Jay
28. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. Henry Cate, VII.
29. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop.
30. If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. Will Rogers.
32. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. Nikita Khrushchev.
33. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow.
34. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. John Quinton.
35. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. Author unknown.
36. Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. Oscar Ameringer.
37. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. Adlai Stevenson, 1952.
38. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. Tex Guinan.
39. I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. Charles de Gaulle.
40. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson.
41. There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
Congressmen. Will Rogers.
42. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. John Adams
43. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain.
44. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain.
45. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill.
46. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw.
47. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G. Gordon Liddy.
48. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994).
49. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people
in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Case, Classmate
of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
50. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian.
51. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850).
52. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986).
53. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers.
54. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P. J. O'Rourke.
55. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764).
56. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.).
57. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is
in session. Mark Twain (1866).
58. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. Anonymous.
59. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan.
60. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill.
61. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain.
62. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903).
63. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. Mark Twain.
64. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995).
65. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson.
66. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop.
67. Two aliens were looking down on our planet from their space craft. The first said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite based weapons.” The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” “I don’t think so,” the first alien replied. “They have the weapons pointed at themselves.”
68. “Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” Ronald Reagan.
69. What is the real reason the Ten Commandments have been banned from America’s public buildings? It creates a hostile work environment to post Thou shalt not Steal, Thou shalt not Commit Adultery and Thou shalt not Bear False Witness in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
70. What do you get when you cross Rush Limbaugh with Oxycontin? An oxymoron.
71. A politician visited a reservation and gave a speech to a group of Native Americans. “I promise you better schools, hospitals and roads,” he said. The crowd shouted, “Hoya! Hoya!” “I promise to secure funds to build a casino on the reservation,” he said. The crowd again shouted, “Hoya! Hoya!” A few days later, the politician toured the reservation with the chief. As they were inspecting the cattle, the chief said, “Be careful not to step in the hoya.”
72. When describing one of the political candidates, a political analyst said, “This candidate has a forthright character. “He’s right about one fourth of the time.”
73. Actual statements by politicians: 1. “Mr. Speaker, what bill did we just pass?” 2. “Before I give you the benefit of my remarks, I’d like to know what we’re talking about.” 3. “There comes a time to put principle aside and do what’s right.”
74. A man worked for a know-it-all politician who never admitted he was wrong. One day he asked the politician if he had ever been wrong. The politician responded, “Once several years ago I was wrong. It was the time I thought I was mistaken about something, but I wasn’t”
75. A politician has developed a new simplified Federal income tax code. There are only three lines on the form. “Line A. How much money did you make last year. Line B. How much money do you have left? Line C. Send B.”
76. At a party in Washington D.C., several guests were having an informal conversation. One asked, “Have you heard the latest joke about Congress?” “No,” another man answered, but before you tell it, you should know that I am a new member of the Senate.” “That’s okay,” the first guest replied, “I’ll tell it slowly.”
77. Someone asked the chaplain of the U. S. Senate if he prayed for the Senators. The chaplain replied, “No, when I listen to the Senators, I pray for the nation.”
78. A man visiting Washington, D.C. had to make a brief stop at the Capital. As he parked his car he saw a man standing nearby. “I have to leave my car here for a few minutes,” the visitor said. “If you’re going to be here, would you mind watching it for me?” “Don’t you realize I’m a United States Senator?” the bystander asked. The driver responded, “No, I didn’t, but it’s okay, I’ll trust you anyway.”
79. A politician told a friend that he had discontinued a long speech on
account of his throat. He said, “Many people had threatened to cut it.”
80. A political activist said to a fellow activist, “There’s only one thing that bothers me about this revolution thing. What’s going to happen to our unemployment checks when we overthrow the government?”
81. President Calvin Coolidge was entertaining a group of people in the White House who were concerned about showing proper table manners. So they observed Coolidge and followed his example in detail. At the end of the meal coffee was served. Coolidge poured his coffee into his saucer. The guests did likewise. Then Coolidge added sugar and cream. The visitors did the same. Coolidge then leaned over and gave his coffee to the cat.
82. “The drinking age should be eighteen. When you’re eighteen you’re old enough to vote. You should be old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You need a drink.” Mark Price.
83. A politician was outraged at the remarks that had been printed about him in the newspaper. Incensed, he barged into the editorial office of the newspaper and shouted, “You are printing lies about me, and you know it!" “Relax,” the editor said calmly, “What on earth would you do if we told the truth about you?”
84. A voter asked, “How many presidents does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer, “None. They only promise change.”
85. A reporter commenting about current events stated, “The cult members seem totally brainwashed and place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation! And that concludes our report from the White House.”
86. Elections are a lot like marriages. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she picked him. It’s the same with public officials.
87. Who was the President who gave the shortest inaugural address (135 words)? Hint: He was also the only President who didn’t blame all of his troubles on the previous administration? George Washington.
88. A political analyst died and went to heaven. After being checked-in the analyst walked through rows and rows of something that appeared to be measuring devices. They looked like little windmills and had gauges at the bottom. The analyst asked a maintenance angel what they were and was told that they were sin meters. The angel said that everyone on earth had one, and that they record sins by the minute, hour, week, month and year with a cumulative total shown at the bottom. The analyst asked about one that didn’t seem to be moving and the angel told him it belonged to Jimmy Carter. He pointed to another one that was spinning around pretty fast. “Oh, that one belongs to Dick Cheney. The one over there that’s going somewhat more slowly now is for Bill Clinton.” “Where is Donald Trump’s sin meter,” inquired the analyst. “Oh,” said the angel, “that’s sort of a joke around here. His sin meter spins so fast that we use it in the boiler room as an exhaust fan.”
89. Sign on a Pentagon desk: “The secrecy of my job does not permit me to know what I am doing.”
90. A homeless man was reminiscing about his life to a friend. “I used to think I was poor, but they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me I shouldn’t think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they said I was underprivileged, but later they said that term was overused. Instead, I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime, but I’ve got a great vocabulary.”
91. John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Sarah Palin were all caught in Iraq and sentenced to death by firing squad. John McCain was told to stand in front of the wall. Just before the firing squad was given the order to shoot, he yelled, “Earthquake!” The squad took cover and McCain escaped over the wall. Mitt Romney took his turn and as the squad took aim, he yelled, “Tornado!” The squad panicked and Romney jumped over the wall. Then it was Sarah Palin’s turn. As the firing squad pointed their rifles at her, she considered how her colleagues had escaped and yelled, “Fire!
92. Late one night, just blocks from the Capital, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” the thief demanded. “Are you kidding?” the man said. “I’m a U.S. congressman.” “Okay then,” the mugger growled, “give me my money!”
93. A politician’s response to the opposition parties agenda. “That’s about as practical as a screen door in a submarine.”
94. A politician describing an opponent. “He has a mind like lightning. One quick flash of light and then total darkness.”
95. A politician introducing an opponent. “This is a man who needs no introduction...because nobody wants to meet him.”
96. Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. At a White House dinner a woman smiled and said, “Mr. President, I’ve made a bet that I can get you to say at least three words.” Coolidge replied, “You lose.”
97. An old quote that sounds current: “The President is making a six-nation tour of Asia, traveling throughout the Far East to make friends. If it works, he may try it in this country.” Bob Hope.
98. A member of congress was cleaning out an old file cabinet in his office when he came across a brass lamp. While dusting it off, a genie appeared and granted him two wishes. He thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was on an island surrounded by beautiful women.” Poof. He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. “This is the life,” the congressman sighed. “I wish I would never have to work again.” And poof, he was back in his government office.