Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. "They X-Rayed my head and found nothing." Jerome "Dizzy" Dean.
2. “California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” Fred Allen.
3. “Have you noticed? Anyone driving faster than you is an idiot, and anyone driving slower than you is a moron.” George Carlin.
4. “Tis always more blessed to give than to receive, for example wedding presents.” H. L. Mencken.
5. “Remember the poor - it cost nothing.” Josh Billings.
6. “Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ‘cause they’re looking for ideas.” Paula Poundstone.
7. “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” H.M. Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.
8. "I think there is a world market for about five computers” Thomas Watson, CEO, IBM 1958.
9. “Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.” Grover Cleveland, U.S. President 1905.
10. "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." George W. Bush.
11. “We ought to make the pie higher.” George W. Bush.
12. "Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth.
13. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson.
14. "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Paul Horning.
15. "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw.
16. "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin.
17. "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry.
18. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields.
19. Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey.
20. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher.
21. “Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you to reach it faster, too.” Kionel M. Kauffman.
22. “No matter how cynical you become, it’s not enough to keep up.” Lily Tomlin.
23. “A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are.” Russell Baker.
24. “Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.” Russell Baker.
25. “I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over.” Garry Shandling.
26. “Eve said to the serpent, ‘You know I could go for a bit to eat, but I don’t know you from Adam.’” Red Buttons.
27. “She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast and she was furious.” Max Kauffmann.
28. “I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog”. Wendy Liebman.
29. “Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.” Erma Bombeck.
30. “I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” Joe E. Lewis.
31. “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you’ve just learned to cook.” Andy Rooney.
32. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Bombeck.
33. “All my doctor does is send me to other doctors. I don’t know if he’s really a doctor or a booking agent.” Unknown.
34. “I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right hand sobered up.” Dean Martin.
35. “A wonder drug is a medicine that makes you wonder whether you can afford it.” Sandy Baron.
36. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissenger.
37. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather.
38. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Courtney Cox.
39. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods.
40. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose.
41. “I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.” Woody Allen.
42. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” Mark Twain.
43. "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken.
44. "Beer makes a man lean. Lean on the bar, lean on his friends, and lean on buildings as he stumbles his way home". Unknown.
45. "How do you know when you have over-served your guest? When they sit on your couch and feel around for the seat belt." Unknown.
46. "What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted." Unknown.
47. “The shinbone is defined as a device for finding furniture in the dark.” Unknown.
48. “I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.” Margaret Thatcher.
49. “Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions.” Calvin Trillin.
50. “I don’t want to make the wrong mistake.” Yogi Berra.
51. “A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” Marty Allen.
52.“I told my wife that black underwear turns me on, so she didn’t wash my shorts for a month.” Milton Berle.
53. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx.
54. “I like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.” Mae West.
55. “A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.” Mae west.
56. “Where do you go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.” Unknown.
57. “Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don’t know each other.” W Somerset Maugham.
58. “Love is staying awake all night with a sick child. Or a very healthy adult.” David Frost.
59. “Make love, not war, or do both - get married.” Unknown.
60. “I don’t believe in superstition - it brings bad luck.” Unknown.
61. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” Molly McGee.
62. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.” Molly McGee.
63. “I don’t make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.” Will Rodgers.
64. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” Will Rodgers.
65. “Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which
case I definitely said it.” Tallulah Bankhead.
66. “My wife thinks that I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.” Drake Sather.
67. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns.
68. “The trouble with the average family is that it has too much month left over at the end of the money.” Bill Vaughan.
69. “Never let a panty line show around your ankles.” Joan Rivers.
70. “My parents threw a great going away party for me - According to the letter.” Emo Phillips.
71. “I went to a store and asked to see something cheap in a dress. The saleswoman said, “The mirror is to the left.” Jim Baily, impersonating Phyllis Diller.
72. She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.” Gypsy Rose Lee.
73. A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.” Sophia Loren.
74. “My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By sixty-five he was just a pair of pants and a head.” Jeff Altman.
75. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God’s decision on where your lips end.” Jerry Seinfeld.
76. “When I was born I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.” Unknown.
77. “My father taught me about the birds and the bees. He didn’t know anything about girls.” Joey Adams.
78. “He hasn’t an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.” Eddie Cantor.
79. “I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.” Zsa Zsa Gabor.
80. “My friends all told me I’d never be anything but a failure at this business, so I decided to do something about it. I went out and made some new friends.” Unknown.
81. “I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.” Ruth Buzzi.
82. “My allergy tests suggest that I may have been intended for life on some other planet.” Mark Twain.
83. “If exercise is so good for you, why do athletes have to retire by age thirty-five?” Pearl Williams.
84. “The Supreme Court ruled against having a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” Jay Leno.
85. “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” Johnny Carson.
86. “I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride. Instead, he played in the box it came in. It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars’ worth of scotch.” Bob Hope.
87. “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.” Dick Gregory.
88. “ Last week was a rough week. My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I said If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion. He said All right, you’re ugly too.” Rodney Dangerfield.
89. “More and more of our imports come from overseas.” George W. Bush.
90. “I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood. I was breast-fed from falsies.” Woody Allen.
91. “My mother talks to herself, then complains she hears voices.” Phillis Diller.
92. “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?” Phillis Diller.
93. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." George W. Bush.
94. “The future ain’t what it used to be.” Yogi Berra.
95. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra.
96. “All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced back to an unenlightened immigrations policy on the part of the American Indian.” Pat Paulsen.
97. “Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggie’ until you can find a
rock.” Will Rogers.
98. “Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.” Lily Tomlin.
99. “Money really isn’t everything. If it was, what would we buy with
it?” Tom Wilson.
100. “When a fellow says, ‘It ain’t the money, but the principle of the thing,’ it’s the money.” Elbert Hubbard.
101. “Some people are opposed to free speech, but you don’t hear much from them.” Myq Kaplan.
102. “A woman came to ask a doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.” Gracie Allen.
103. “Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.” Brooks Hays.
104. “The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife. She told him
to do something, and he said ’No, I don’t want to do that.’ I pulled him
aside and said, ‘Listen, you gotta teach me how to do that.’” Brian Kley.
105. “Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices, dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels.” Joey Adams.
106. “Jew’s don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers.
107. One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it. Mae West.
108. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.” Will Rogers.
109. On one of Bob Hope’s TV shows Bob asked Lucille Ball what she would do if she couldn’t do comedy. Lucy responded, “I would probably just do what you do.”
110. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and
lie about your age.” Lucille Ball.
111. “Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.” Lucille Ball.
112. “I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.” Lucille Ball.
113. “You see much more of your children once they leave home.” Lucille
114. “A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.” Lucille Ball.
115. “I don't do T & A very well because I haven't got much of either.” Lucille Ball.
116. “A man is as old as the woman he feels.” Groucho Marx.
117. “The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts - the less you know, the hotter you get. Bertrand Russell.
118. “Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.” Ivana
119. “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” Chuck Nevitt.
120. "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." George W. Bush.
121. “If you say you are going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.” George W. Bush.
122. “I’ve been fortunate, I haven’t had too many auditions. I slept with the right people.” Pamela Anderson.
123. “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?” Lee Iacocca.
124. “Yo, I failed ninth grade three times, but I don’t think it was necessarily because I’m stupid.” Rapper Eminem.
125. “We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.” Vade Divac.
126. “Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something.” Dennis Rodman.
127. “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized that I didn’t understand she had to explain, ‘that’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” Brooke Shields.
128. “My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.” Joey Bishop.
129. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor.
130. “If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.” Will Kommen.
131. “Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.” Cary Grant.
132. “Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.”
133. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” Dave Barry.
134. “I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.” Roseanne Barr.
135. “To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.” Rita Rudner.
136. “If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.” Renee Duvall.
137. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” Calvin Trillin.
138. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield.
139. “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner.
140. “My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” Wendy Liebman.
141. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly
by.” Douglas Adams.
142. “I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.” Don Reber.
143. “I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” Joan Rivers.
144. “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henny Youngman.
145. “Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” Bob Thaves.
146. “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. A brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.” Dr. William King.
147. Did you hear the one about the little old lady from church? She doesn’t repeat gossip, so
you’d better listen the first time.” Steve Phelps.
148. “Live so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” Will Rogers.
149. “Dogs have so many friends because they wag their tails, not their tongues.” Anonymous.
150. “Why is it that ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?” Eugene Smith.
151. “An egotist is someone who is always me-deep in conversation.” George Goldtrap.
152. “I saw somewhere that scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I’m no expert, but isn’t that called a horse? Jay Leno.
153. “At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything.” George Wallace.
154. “You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re there to muffle the screams.” Rita Rudner.
155. "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." George W. Bush to
Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93.
156. "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." George W. Bush.
157. "Public speaking is very easy." George W. Bush to reporters.
158. "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" George W. Bush.
159. "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." George W. Bush 9/22/97.
160. "For NASA, space is still a high priority." George W. Bush, 9/5/93.
161. "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." George W. Bush, 9/18/95.
162. "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." George W. Bush.
163. "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." Governor George W. Bush.
164. "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." George W. Bush.
165. “Expectations rise above that which is expected.” George W. Bush.
166. “100 percent of the people will get the death tax.” George W. Bush.
167. The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this year’s vodka man?” I said, “No. I’m an artist. I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka, and if I did I wouldn’t drink your product.” He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” I said, “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone” Woody Allen.
168. I got something in the mail today. It said, “This is not a bill.” I opened it up, it said, “That was the envelope - this is the bill.” Brian Kiley.
169. “I have noticed that nothing I have never said ever did me any harm.” Calvin Coolidge.
170. “Golf is a lot like business. You drive to get in the green, and then you wind up in the hole.” Joey Adams.
171. “Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.” Jack Benny.
172. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” Groucho Marx.
173. “You can always tell with televison executives are in a restaurant; they keep ordering and canceling, ordering and canceling.” Bob Hope.
174. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” Johnny Carson.
175. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he’s a crook.” Groucho Marx.
176. “More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” Woody Allen.
177. "There are three ways to get something done. Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid you kids from doing it." Unknown.
178. Phyllis Diller said she once spent seven hours in a beauty parlor - and that was just for an estimate.
179. “A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.” H. L. Mencken.
180. “The drinking age should be eighteen. When you’re eighteen you’re old enough to vote. You should be old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You need a drink.” Mark Price.
181. “I don’t get no respect. Why I even phoned to Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put me on hold.” Rodney Dangerfield.
182. “Amazing! If you hang something in your closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes.” Unknown.
183. “I’ve got everything I had twenty years ago - except now it’s all lower.” Gypsy Rose Lee.
184. President Gerald Ford blooper: “Whenever I can I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio.”
185. “The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where his wife is wrong.” Archie Bunker.
186. According to Will Rogers, “We should live in such a way that we would not be ashamed to sell our family parrot to the town gossip.”