Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
1. Two enthusiastic fans were sitting at the Florida-Florida State football game on either side of an empty seat. One man says, “I wonder why anyone would buy a ticket to this game and not show up for the game?” The other man says, “Oh that was my wife’s seat, but she died.” “Oh” says the other man, “I’m very sorry to hear that, but why didn’t you give the ticket to a relative or friend? The man says, “Oh, I couldn’t do that, they’re all at the funeral”.
2. Three Alabama football players were driving down a road in a pickup truck and saw three Alburn football players standing beside the road. They stopped and asked the Auburn players if they need a ride. The Auburn players said yes, opened the tail gait and jumped in. They drove away at a pretty good speed. Later the driver had to swerve to the left to avoid hitting a cow and sailed over a cliff into a deep lake. The Alabama players swam to the top and waited several minutes for the Auburn players who finally came to the surface. An Alabama player asked “What happened to you guys?” An Auburn player replies “We couldn’t get the tail gate open.”
3. Three football players got jobs as construction workers after they failed to graduate from college. One day they were sitting on top of a 30 story building eating lunch. One said to the other two that if he found baloney sandwiches in his lunch one more time he would jump off the building. The second worker says, if I get tuna sandwiches one more time I’ll jump off the building. The third worker says, if I get peanut sandwiches one more time I’m going to jump. The next day they all had the type of sandwich that they had complained about and they all jumped. A few days later their wives were talking at the joint funeral. The first wife says, I didn’t believe Bo really meant it. I guess I should have listened. The second wife says, I didn’t think Beaufort would jump, but I was wrong. The third wife says, well I don’t know why my Bubba jumped. He packs his own lunch.
4. Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
5. A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
6. The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
7. While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks ate 'em."
8. Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
9. A football player happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. He says, "Professor, what are you doing?" The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" The football player certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.
10. A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
11. All evening long four card players had been pestered by a busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play. When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him. "Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up." The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself. "I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar." "I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a dollar." The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you two dollars." The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"
12. A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
13. A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
14. Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. "Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"
15. Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
16. A fairly affluent Florida football fan usually took his pet monkey to the games. The monkey was very smart and could communicate with sign language. The man wanted to take his pet monkey on a flight to a bowl game, but the airline said that he could not buy a seat for a monkey. After checking with all the local transportation, he finally got his monkey a ticket on a bus chartered for the game. He told the monkey that he was going to fly to the game, but he would pick the monkey up at the bus station. The next day the man heard on the news that there had been a very unusual and very terrible accident. But, since the only survivor was a monkey, no one could explain what had happened. The man went to the hospital and told the authorities that he can find out what happened by talking to the monkey. He ask the monkey, “What were the people on the bus doing?” The monkey raises his hand as if to drink, holds his hand as if he were shooting a needle into his arm and holds his arms as if he were holding someone and makes a kissing sound. The man says, “They were drinking , shooting drugs and smooching ?” The monkey nods. The man says, “What were you doing?” The monkey holes his hands as if he were holding a steering wheel.
17. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996).
18. A couple met at a golf tournament and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after the tournament ended. “It’s only fair to warn you,” the man said, “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, and sleep golf.” “Well, since you’re being honest, so will I,” the woman said. “I’m a hooker.” “I see,” the man responded. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
19. A husband sat in the living room with his hand on the remote. “Hey honey,” he shouted to his wife in the kitchen. “Is there anything you want to say before football season starts?”
20. His team won the Super Bowl and football season was finally over. The frantic fan turned off the TV set with a sigh, looked around the room and discovered that his wife had left him in November.
21. A man was being dragged around by his wife one Saturday on a clothes-buying expedition to carry the packages and watch her purse. As she elbowed her way into the crowd at a lingerie-sale, she held up a pair of flimsy panties and asked her husband if he liked them. “I certainly do, darling,” he said, “but I don’t think your husband would approve of them at all.” The following Saturday he got to stay at home and watch football.
22. “Father,” a man asked during his confession, “Is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?” The priest responded, “My son, the way you play golf, it’s a sin any day.”
23. The Packers were on the bus after being beaten by Atlanta 44-21 for the NFC title. The team was down and the coach was bitter. “It’s no use, men,” he said as he stood in front of the bus. “We’ll have to start over at the beginning.” He took a football in his hands and said, “This is a football.” From the back of the bus, one player interjected, “Wait a minute - not so fast Coach.”
24. A horse-racing enthusiast was explaining his recent experience at the track to a friend. “I went to the track on the eleventh day of the eleventh month. I got there at exactly 11 A.M. My daughter was eleven years old that day and the eleventh race had eleven horses. So I put all my money on a long shot, the eleventh horse. His friend responded, “And the horse won?” “No, the enthusiast replied, “It came in eleventh!”
25. Two Atlanta engineers were reminiscing about their college days when one of them remarked, “I wish I could have gone to Georgia Tech.” His friend responded, “You wouldn’t have liked Tech much. The only graduates they have are football players and prostitutes.” The other engineer snapped, “Wait a minute, my wife graduated from Georgia Tech.” “Oh really?” his friend said realizing his faux pas. “Tell me, what position did she play?”
26. A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains of Alaska when they stopped to rest. The hunter looked at the guide and mused, “You know, I’m a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?” “Last year, I shot a sixteen-hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right,” the guide replied. The hunter asked, “How’d you manage that?” The guide responded, “Twelve trips.”
27. Early one morning the crew chief of the slave ship informed the galley, “I have good news and bad news for you men. First, the good news. You’re going to get a special ration of rum with the noon meal. And now for the bad news. After lunch, the captain wants to go water-skiing.”
28. A bum asked a man for $10. “Will you buy booze with the money?” the man asked. The bum said, “No.” “Will you gamble it away?” the man asked. The bum replied, “No.” “Will you bet on the football games?” the man asked. The bum said, “I don’t watch football.” The man said, “I’ll give you the $10 if you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, gamble or watch football.”
29. Off the seventh tee, Bob sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his ball. After many minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton. Bob called out to his friend, “Chris, I’ve got trouble down here.” “What’s the matter?” Chris asked from the edge of the ravine. “Bring me my wedge.” Bob shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron.”
30. A man stranded on a desert island could not believe his eyes when a beautiful woman in scuba gear appeared on the shore. She smiled and said, “I’ll bet you could use a cigarette.” Unzipping the sleeve of her wet suit, she pulled one out and handed it to him. “I’ll bet,” she continued when the man had finished the smoke, “you haven’t had a nice, cold beer in a long time.” Unzipping the leg of her wet suit, she pulled out a brew and gave it to the grateful man. When he had finished the beer, the woman unzipped the front of her wet suit. “I’ll bet it’s been a long time since you played around.” “You mean, the man gasped, “you’ve got golf clubs in there?”
31. At the end of football season, a star college player celebrated by attending a late-night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and asked her if she met many dates at parties. She replied, “I have a three point eight, so I’m much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals. What’s your GPA?” Grinning, the jock boasted, “I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway.”
32. Three baseball umpires were asked how they distinguished between ball and strikes. The first one said, “Well some pitches are balls and some are strikes. I call them as I see them.” The second answered, “Some are balls and some are strikes. I call them as they are.” The third ump replied, “Some are balls and some are strikes, but they ain’t nothing til I call um!”
33. A duck hunter, proud of his marksmanship, took a friend one morning to witness his skill. After some time, a lone duck flew by. “Watch this,” the hunter whispered, as he took careful aim and fired. The duck flew serenely on. “My boy,” the hunter said, “you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck.”
34. In a critical conference football game a referee penalized one of the teams 10 yards for an obvious clipping infraction. The coach ran onto the field to protest, but the official stuck to his position. “You stink,” the coach hollered at the ref. “Is that so?” the referee replied as he picked up the ball and moved it 15 yards further down field. “How do I smell from here?”
35. A sky diver and his instructor peered down at the fields 1,500 feet below. “There’s nothing to worry about,” the instructor said. “You jump, count to 100 and pull your ripcord. If that doesn’t work, pull your reserve. There’ll be a truck down there to pick you up.” The sky diver took a breath and plunged into the blue. After free-falling, he pulled his ripcord. Nothing. He pulled his reserve. A few cobwebs drifted out. The diver shook his head and said, “I’ll bet that truck’s not down there either.”
36. Two fellows were playing cards, when one of them said, “Now play the cards fair, Roy. I know what I dealt you.”
37. An over confident golfer teed his ball, looked toward the next green, and declared confidently, “For me, that’s one long drive and a putt.” He swung his driver, tore up the sod, and managed to move the ball a few feet off the tee. Stepping forward, the caddie handed him the putter and suggested, “Now that’s going to be a hell of a putt.”
38. A man who played poker one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that he always woke up his wife when he came home late. So, one night he decided to try not to wake her by undressing in the living room and tiptoing into the bedroom nude. But his wife who was sitting up in bed reading said, “My goodness! “Did you lose everything?”
39. A man sent the following e-mail message to everyone in his address book. I know it’s late notice, but I have two tickets to the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, MN at the new U.S. Bank Stadium on Sunday February 4th. They are box seats and I paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game. What I didn't realize when I bought the tickets last year was that it’s on the same day as my wedding. If you are interested, I am looking for someone to take my place. It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish, hunt, and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.